Home: Child: Control
T.H.I.R.D. Tiny Human Infant Rearing Device   (+1, -1)  [vote for, against]
Age 0-4 Baby capsule with soft plastics robot displaying parents faces.

Horrific, I know. How could you miss out on all those precious moments like little Timothy crapping himself, then screaming at the top of his tiny lungs to wake you up to change his diaper. Should you feel such a need, you can monitor your child being raised by an android version of you perfectly attentive to his/her every need via live 4k broadcast.

Why are we, evolved and intelligent humans, still wasting valuable precious time on cleaning our kids crap and making sure they don't crawl out of windows etc?

By raising your child in a soundproof one way glass dome you can see him grow every day before your eyes, don't worry he'll only see what you want to see with the adaptive video wall. Leaving you to casually raise your baby in a serene environment where the most patient and loving of soft plastics androids (inflatable soft plastic robotics, safe for childcare) diligently look after your baby.

Now you may be thinking... Professor LaGrange, surely the child's psyche will be scarred beyond all repair by being kept separate from his parents in a sealed dome being raised by androids, correct?

Wrong. With our real face" (android duplicate of your physical features) saying canned responses using your real voice "Who's my special little guy?" "are you going to be a good boy today?" "say hi for dada!!!" that you would record every so often to let the child become accustomed to his or her parents' faces and voices, and smells by dressing your androids in your used clothing.

The THIRD pod's nannys "PAPA" and "MAMA" (Paternalistic alternative Prototype Android) (Maternalistic Alternative Maternal Android) appearing to be human with your faces to the child (fully clothed with white plastic soft robotics covers over robotic hands) featuring the faces of the child's parents.

With the video wall projecting any environment the child would potentially be interested in you can see how your child reacts in a wide variety of scenarios without having to physically take him anywhere. You will be able to gather more data about your child than you could have ever hoped to by inserting him into countless hypothetical scenarios to provide endless amounts of data.

Combined with the infinite patience of a machine and the fully adaptive learning environment of the THRD Pod your child could reach superhuman levels of intelligence by guided machine learning propelling him to super-genius stature by age 4.

The child will be ready for "graduation" proven he is: potty trained, speaks semi-fluent english, coordinated, sleeps through the night etc. When such a day occurs when he is finally ready to enter society and greet his real parents, without knowing any difference at all.

Your THIRD will allow you the leisure time to learn how to become a parent with precision real time data analysis in daily reports (TImmy has a propensity for Juice and naps, dislike of cats and chocolate milk), and skip all that messy diaper changing.

Inhuman?If the child were never aware of it's existence inside the THIRD, it could potentially be the perfect way to raise a child by providing you with the extra 4 years to learn how to truly become a parent without loss of time and sleep?
-- Duck Lagrange, Oct 25 2015

using lots of words near toddlers causes them to nine times as many words https://www.youtube...watch?v=jKp8RwEoJPU
if you look up Huttenlochers publications, it works with math also [beanangel, Oct 31 2015]

I get the feeling you and your spouse just had twins and are sleep deprived, and the inspiration for this is your own *new* life.
-- blissmiss, Oct 25 2015

I thought my auto dog trainer idea was a tad unethical but this...
-- Voice, Oct 26 2015

I sometimes wonder about using a clock with multiple alarm settings to specify appropriate regular feeding times, changing times, hugs, educational reading by the parents, etc. for an infant. There is NO intent here to deprive an infant of anything truly needed.

Anyway, when the infant screams, he or she is basically saying, "I want service NOW!", and letting them get away with it is what causes spoiled brats to exist. But appropriate regular timers (never TOO long between diaper changes) would mean that the infant's screams can be ignored (earplugs could be helpful) until next alarm happens. I'm sure many folks would be aghast at this suggestion, thinking that their screaming infants might be dying or worse (how DARE you ignore that!), and so, since it likely hasn't been tried, we have no data regarding how long it takes an infant to learn that screaming doesn't work unless the alarm has just gone off (and then realize the screaming is unnecessary, because Service Is On Its Way).

Could the infant's entire body become adapted to do things (like mess the diaper) at regular intervals? Remember, if you feed pets at the same time each day, they eventually KNOW what that time is, and you find them waiting for it, at that time. Why should human infants be dumber than pets, to fail to notice external regularity of need-fulfillment?
-- Vernon, Oct 26 2015

[Vernon] Have you not yet been exposed to the long running debate between demand feeding and scheduled feedings? I guess I haven't heard to much talk of extending that to diaper changes before. That might work in some cases, but in others diaper rash will be a limiting factor.
-- scad mientist, Oct 26 2015

Should any of you think I'm truly insane, or sleep deprived father... this was an idea for a dystopian science fiction short story I have been writing where a man sends himself and two embryos into deep space and awakens from hypersleep to have two four year old twins to raise.

I don't recommend machine raising your children, in my story the children are super geniuses who try to kill their own father upon arrival at their destined planet.
-- Duck Lagrange, Oct 26 2015

Uh-oh. Annovaporation.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 26 2015

I'm sorry [Maxwell] perhaps if your comments had a less derisive spirit about them I could help stem the tide of Annovaporation. I am grateful for all input good or bad but would rather not read off topic insults such as your grammar rebuke and the childish "Ducks not the procreating type" comment.

Oddly enough, I find this to be one of the more civil places on the internet and if my Annovaporations help maintain that illusion then so be it.
-- Duck Lagrange, Oct 27 2015

That is entirely fair enough. My comment was directed at the point that anyone who was in a procreative relationship would likely have had this idea quashed early in its gestation by their other half. But perhaps I misunderestimated Mrs. Duck (or Mr. Duck, for that matter), in which case my apologies to you both.

Howevertheless, I defend my right to quibble, cavil and even harangue over grammar and punctuation- this, shirley, is one of the cornerstones of the HB?
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 27 2015

Hab you got a code, [Iad]?
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 27 2015

Seems not far removed from Space Above and Beyond's tube grown babies.
-- travbm, Oct 29 2015

[Maxwell], while I may not like my grammar scrutinized; I will defend to the death your right to do so. I appreciate the respectful response to what may have been a 'flame' invoking comment elsewhere on lowlier forums or comments sections. That's the maturity I've come to love about HB on display, appreciated.

I agree that Mrs. Langrange would no doubt object implementing a T.H.I.R.D in our ordinary earthbound human household. I think implementing one would take some heavy convincing or a sociopathic spouse.

It would take some extreme circumstance like an extinction level event turned to intergalactic adventure where you couldn't risk putting an infant into hypersleep; and would need them "capable" by the time you landed at your deep space destination.
-- Duck Lagrange, Oct 30 2015

pragmatically there ore often things like nutrient that people have not studied yet

thinking of a different thing, food, companies suggest a powdered food, a few months later there is research that omega 7 fatty acids function as cytokine messengers, or that a novel phytonutrient prevents cancer.

it is possible that the visuals of being carried backward as well as forward causes babies to develop mental imagery cohesion capability sort of like microsoft photosynth

thus there are possibly hundreds of unknown development cofactors that the baby might miss There is the possibility that combining the development environment with actual physiological parent communication could emphasize those things that are most beneficial to the human physiological baby

notably, humans that hear word numerous words know as many as nine times as many words when they speak. (Huttenlocher, J.) [youtube link] so a combined approach could possibly be of benefit

also, this could cause then end of religion, as "brain in a jar" rapidly becomes, "who was not a brain n a jar?"
-- beanangel, Oct 31 2015

random, halfbakery