Product: Inventory System
Who the hell am I??!?   (+2, -1)  [vote for, against]
The lowdown on you

Nervious, you package up an envelope. It contains a human hair ( your own ) and a vial containing your semen (or an egg), and a sheaf of xrays. The destination is: 'You, Inc.' with no address.

In return, you receive in the mail a book describing, with diagrams, who you are.

Any organs with 'problems' are described in detail. Any confusing parts are described with question marks?!??! A chapter describes why you head to the bathroom in the morning. Another chapter describes why your go to sleep angry. A third chapter goes into somewhat embarassing detail about all those bits that have no idealological reason but simply perform some kind of function, and not even the kind that returns a value.

The fourth chapter attempts to describe why you are trying to even find out about yourself. But then concurs that the author, in failing to understand even herself, has no chance at approximating anyone else.

The fifth chapter is almost unreadable, but the fourth chapter explodes in a symphony of metaphorical splendor, terminating in boring reality.

The third chapter starts to question time itself.

The second chapter considers how the appearance of self is simply an emergence phenomena amongst a certain category of complexity.

And then lastly, the first chapter is preceeded by a terrible overly complementary statement about just how great you really are in spite of it all.

The very last chapter - doesn't even know where it begins.
-- mylodon, Sep 29 2017

.... had to go look that one up .... [normzone, Sep 29 2017]

Nobody calls me by my given name 'Nervious.' Everybody calls me simply 'Nerv.'
-- RayfordSteele, Sep 29 2017

Is there some kind of network, or medication sharing mechanism I'm unaware of ? Or perhaps a viral meme that Halfbakers are overly susceptible to ?

This has echoes of the style of some other 'bakers, who there's no point in naming. Does too much time on the web or this site produce this phenom, or is there a scarier, Snow Crash style cause?

Because I don't want it to happen to me.
-- normzone, Sep 29 2017

[norm], I think the problem has to do with global warming.

You will recall that, immediately after the Big Bang, everything was the same. Mass and energy were the same, and the four forces were also the same. They only crystallized out and became distinct as the universe cooled.

Global warming is having the reverse effect. As temperatures rise, the distinction between [mylodon], [JHC] and [beany] is getting blurrier and blurrier. At some point they will merge.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 29 2017

Well, that's a reassuring explanation. Since I'm far cooler than all of the bakers mentioned, I should be safe for a while.
-- normzone, Sep 29 2017

Unfortunately I'm the poster boy for medication side effects - if there's a side effect that only one in a hundred gets, I'm that guy.

Fortunately, I'm able to to keep my reaction to current circumstances to a minimum - I credit my moderately good health to a low intake of electronic media and a diet high in reading.
-- normzone, Sep 29 2017

Not all of us are chemical engineers. Some of us are just half trained markov chain text generators. What I haven't done much of, is mix much John Cleland into my writing; I've found almost always, he makes both trump and kim jun un sound better.
-- mylodon, Sep 29 2017

I found this quite rcarthartic.
-- pertinax, Sep 29 2017

(that up arrow thingy here) :-)
-- normzone, Sep 29 2017

//Who the hell am I??!?//

Sorry, I can't tell you.

Your 'self' has to tell you just as my 'self'' uses it's processing subconscious to tell me, amongst all the models, sayings, veiws of the universe and this very entry.
-- wjt, Sep 30 2017

random, halfbakery