Food: Restaurant: Food Specialty
Yo, Crisps!   (+14, -2)  [vote for, against]
Initiate and directly benefit from the ancient art of crisp production, guiding progression using your own personal preferences at key stages of the process.

The Humble Crisp - revered and treasured since ancient times (small clay jars containing various (mostly dog) flavoured of crisps have been found buried at archaeological sites as diverse as Stonehenge, Machu Picchu and The Sphinx) - are known in some countries, rather confusingly, as "Chips".

Contemporarily, now, and these days, the crisp is normally available in sealed foil-backed packets, often along with a number of other crisps. This increases convenience a great deal, but in doing so diminishes the crisp from its rightful taxonomical classification as a meal, all of itself, to that of a snack, or mere picnic component.

Yo, Crisps! is a new paradigm in crisp preparation and retail - and has franchise opportunities opening in your area now!

A client is drawn inexorably into the shop by means of the delicious smell of crisps. Once they find themselves within the clean, minimal wood-and-tile surrounds, they are herded into a queue that passes them in front of the first station - the potato display - here they are greeted by a smiling imbecile and asked to make a choice of spud; Jersey Royals, Yukon Golds, King Edwards and even Salad Blue varieties may be available. Once chosen, these are promptly mandolined into 2mm, 5mm or 7mm slices (based on preference) and dropped onto the drying conveyor and the client ushered thither to the next station.

Station 2 provides the client the means to pick from a number of flavoring options - Salt, Slaked Vinegar, Paprika (should one be feeling particularly European), Squid flakes, Cheese Powder and Cucumber Salt are all represented here - whatever the options, they must consist in total of a wide and astonishing variety. The client, ideally whipped into a state of mild bafflement is hustled into picking up to 3 ingredients which are scooped into a steel bowl by a second grinning devolute. Meanwhile, the dried potato slices have traversed the conveyor behind this station and are visibly seen to drop into the BUBBLING CAULDRON OF OIL, to boil, fry and otherwise enfrite to perfection.

At station 3, a third fawning simpleton lifts the hot steaming crisps from the hot oil by means of a delicately crafted runcible spoon, shakes off the excess oil and tumbles the content into a sturdy brown paper bag. The powdered flavorings chosen at station 2 are then poured over a sieve so as to snow attractively over the bag of crisps and the slavering client is finally charged something in the region of £10.

The client is invited to add salt, chilli-flakes or hoisin source from a self-service kiosk on their way out.
-- zen_tom, Jun 24 2014

Lay's had a contest for flavours.
[xandram, Jun 24 2014]

The correct spelling is "mandoline" http://www.williams...mandolines-slicers/
[Vernon, Jun 25 2014]

The Chippery http://www.chippery.../potatogoodness.php
Prior Art [the porpoise, Jun 25 2014]

for [hippo] -although I dislike microwave ovens, this really works well http://www.kitchenn...con-rack-p-670.html
[xandram, Jun 26 2014]

Nice. Organic beetroot 3mm crisps for me please, with horeseradish and black pudding seasoning.
-- hippo, Jun 24 2014

Wrapped in newspaper?
-- po, Jun 24 2014

Yes but which one? - I'll have mine wrapped in Deutsche Zeitungen.
-- hippo, Jun 24 2014

Looks like we may need an additional station for paper selection - but the client could be directed to picking from some matrix plotting language vs style (so you could pick German and Centre-left, or Mandarin and Spitting-Feathers for example)
-- zen_tom, Jun 24 2014

//smiling imbecile...fawning simpleton// I gather you want your servers to be both lacking in mental agility and particularly servile but I'm not sure why.
-- Voice, Jun 24 2014

Hi [Z_T]. Love the custom-made chips! We make them at home. I like my usual garlic, black pepper & cheese, but it would be fun to get several combos going at the same time! +
-- xandram, Jun 24 2014

Yup: double order of parmesan, green onion, chili please, for whatever potato works best; sour cream on the side; just bring it to my usual spot on the patio with an half of light ale, chilled.
-- FlyingToaster, Jun 24 2014

Yes, it's all very yummy and I'd eat there, but it's been done with ice cream and other foods, and borders on recipe. Help file refresher may be advised.
-- normzone, Jun 24 2014

There exist chips(french-fry) specialty shops like this, but none for chips(crisps), at least not that I've heard of. Maybe I'll mfd it after lunch, but [+] meanwhile.
-- FlyingToaster, Jun 24 2014

Some folks prefer crisps to be baked instead of boiled in oil.
-- Vernon, Jun 24 2014

Some folks are disgusting savages.
-- calum, Jun 24 2014

//Some folks prefer crisps to be baked instead of boiled in oil.//

For them, one could perhaps offer small pieces of cardboard and a slap in the face.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 24 2014

I was simply getting at the notion that if this custom crisp-making outfit wanted to cater to the maximum number of customers, then it should have ovens as well as vats of hot oil, for cooking crisps.
-- Vernon, Jun 24 2014

Yes, but that will only encourage those people.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 24 2014

I agree with you both. Let em have ovens, but toss any egghead that wants" baked crisps" into it, when he places his order. That'll be the end of that debate.
-- blissmiss, Jun 24 2014

Yay! [Bliss], you go fetch the pitchforks and the blazing torches; I'll rustle up a bunch of villagers who can say "aarrgh" and are good at brandishing.

Let's nip this baked crisp witchcraft in the bud before the horse has bolted to water under the bridge.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 24 2014

When I was a boy in the Cub Scouts (I think Baden Powell had just invented the concept) when we went on a tour of the local Nalley's potato chip manufacturing facility. We were all given a bag to take home, but my best memory is the taste of one chip/crisp taken off the conveyor belt - still warm and just after the salting machine. Yum! An enthusiastic, slightly salty bun.
-- AusCan531, Jun 24 2014

//Once chosen, these are promptly mandolined

Pardon? Is this some kind of encoding sounds onto the crisps?

Try not getting the one where someone gets resurrected, ends in all kinds of trouble, I can tell you.
-- not_morrison_rm, Jun 25 2014

I went into one of those choose your own salad places yesterday and after a harrowingly stressful selection procedure facilitated by enthusiastic t-shirt clad youths, came out with a low-carb, deliciously assembled (if exorbitantly expensive) salad. I enjoyed the mix of emotions so much, I thought it could be applied to crisps to similar effect.

Also, I've a (first ever) crop of potatoes flourishing in the garden at the moment and will at some stage later this year, need to find creative uses for more potatoes than I know what to do with.

I'm not sure if baked works for me personally, but hey, if there's a market, who am I to stand in the way of progress.

And a mandolin is a thing that slices things into slices of equal thickness - ideally potatoes, but if you're not careful, fingers, knuckles and more.
-- zen_tom, Jun 25 2014

Actually the 'theatre' of this crisp-making might be enhanced by using a ham-slicing machine, such as you find in nice Italian delis, to slice the potates, rather than a mandoline. Or a (musical instrument) mandolin, of course.
-- hippo, Jun 25 2014

I agree with [Vernon] about baked chips. You can spray them with (less) oil and they will be quite good. I know you won't want to hear this, but we have a ridged plastic microwave plate for cooking bacon (it comes out nearly greaseless) that can also make potato chips. It can only make about 12 chips at one time, but for those of us who are chubby and / or diabetic, this is a healthier choice. So bake on!
-- xandram, Jun 25 2014

microwaved bacon?!
-- hippo, Jun 25 2014

[xandram], I didn't mean to imply that I personally prefer baked crisps. I've simply noticed that they exist in stores, and SOMEBODY buys them (or they wouldn't still be available in stores), and they are, as you indicated, a somewhat healthier snack in terms of fat intake.
-- Vernon, Jun 25 2014

Good idea. Semi-baked (or deep-fried, if you prefer). Saw a place like this at a mall last year [link]. Don't know if they do full custom.
-- the porpoise, Jun 25 2014

Would "your, crisps!" be an accurate translation of Yo, Crisps! ?

custom made potato chips?
-- popbottle, Jun 25 2014

What's lacking here is the opportunity for barista- style decoration of the crisps. We need to think of some way in which a skilled crispeur can leave a little visuo-textural signature on individual crisps, just as a barista can make that little pattern in the crema on a coffee.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 25 2014

^ good'un.
-- FlyingToaster, Jun 25 2014

[Limp] possibly you mean 'mandoline', unless you are suggesting a musical accompaniment to the crispsmithing, in which case, as you were.
-- hippo, Jun 25 2014

The slaking of the vinegar concerns me. I want my vinegar industrious and on the job! No corners cut! 10 minutes early and freshly shaved every day!
-- bungston, Jun 25 2014

I think one of these has opened in Soho.
-- theleopard, Jun 26 2014

I think baked chips are akin to "light" beer. There's a market, but that don't make em tasty. There's a market for sock porn, that don't make it classy. See where I'm going with this? I thought so.
-- blissmiss, Jun 26 2014

I just described this idea to a colleague and she said: "That's amazing! Where is this place?"

"No, no, it's just an idea."

"Oh. They should totally do that though."

"But it's on the Halfbakery, it's not supposed to be..."

"I mean £10 is a bit steep, but I'd pay a fiver."

"Never mind."
-- theleopard, Jun 26 2014

Ha! Coworkers. What a lot they are.
-- blissmiss, Jun 26 2014

I didn't say I preferred baked chips either, it's just a healthier choice sometimes. As you were- keep on frying.
-- xandram, Jun 26 2014

//it's just a healthier choice sometimes//

Very few healthy octagenarians ever ate baked crisps in their formative years. I think that speaks volumes.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 26 2014

What [MB] said. They aren't proper crisps if saturated animal fat and large amounts of salt are involved.

Pork scratchings ...

"Advice from nutritionalists and dieticians should always be taken with a pinch of salt ..."
-- 8th of 7, Jun 26 2014

random, halfbakery