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Home: Security: No Soliciting
"Death Metal" Disruptor   (+8, -4)  [vote for, against]
Solicitors flee in horror!

The Death Metal Disruptor is designed to confuse and disrupt the thought process of any door to door solicitor using extreme sound pressure levels to the point where he must flee to retain his sanity.

Comprised of a push button control panel and instant access digital music device, 900MHz transmitter, weatherproof 1000 watt remote amplifier, and concealable weatherproof high power handling speakers. This device is intended to be installed on the porch of your home, office, lakefront property, or anywhere else you can't enjoy peace and quiet because of annoying door to door solicitors.

The digital audio device comes preloaded with several songs from the likes of: Morbid Angel, Meshuggah, Slayer, GWAR and Godflesh. 64MB of memory allows the user to upload several other disturbing audio tracks to suit their tastes, distastes, or particular needs. USB interface makes updating your choice selections a breeze.

The battery operated wireless control panel can be mounted near the doorway of your home or office using (what else) velcro. The remote amplifier connects anywhere outdoors where power is available, and includes 100' buryable speaker leads for the speakers. The concealable speakers have optional acoustically transparent foam baffles which resemble common outdoor objects, such as planter boxes, tables, pedistals, etc.. For maximum effect, these should be placed as close to the doorway as possible.

Selecting a tune of disruption is done through a scroll wheel and your selection is visible on the included 3 line display (which displays ID3 data). Press the play button and watch the fireworks begin. Most solicitors never make it past the first 5 seconds of "South of Heaven".

Additionally, this device serves as a warning to other residents in the neighboorhood. Upon hearing the blaring death metal, others are aware that solicitors are creeping in the area, and would know to lock their doors and get their favorite audio track loaded up.

Optional "Porch Sprinkler System" is also available, just in case the Kirby Salesman from Hell also happens to enjoy music from Hell..
-- Mr Burns, Aug 07 2002

The Kirby salespersons are fishboning away...
-- Mr Burns, Aug 07 2002

The VernonBot has been unleashed, chased maniacally through the 'bakery after the blaring sounds of death metal finally got to him enough. Not Vernon, mind you, but Vernon's bot.

Hmmm... I just had a sick thought involving Mormons and / or Jehovah's Witnesses and said death metal.
-- polartomato, Aug 08 2002

Polar: what do you think made me dream this up? I've taken the hose to them before..
-- Mr Burns, Aug 08 2002

I've always wanted to open my door to the JW's dressed in long, crimson velvet robes, with a pentacle on a chain round my neck, and holding a goat's skull - preferably, with an efects lantern producing a "flicker-flames" effect though a side doorway behind me , and the distant sounds of screaming and demonic cackling..... then I could beckon them inside .....

I'm still trying to finds somewhere that sells big, clunky pentagonal iron door knockers......
-- 8th of 7, Aug 08 2002

Instant front porch mosh pit...
-- dag, Aug 08 2002

Concerning JW's, I usually just tell them that I'll listen to their spiel if they listen to mine. That usually does the trick.
-- RayfordSteele, Aug 08 2002

I used to be a girl scout, and part of my sworn duty to society was to go forth and spread the gospel of the Cookie. This just sounds a little creepy to an ex-solicitor like myself.

On the other hand, it might kick some arse on Halloween...
-- polartomato, Aug 09 2002

Haha! Croissant!
-- Crazy Bastard, Aug 11 2002

So there is someone else that's taken the 'hose' to em.. to clarify, I used the garden hose.
-- Mr Burns, Aug 12 2002

Nice one, thcgenius.
-- iuvare, Aug 12 2002

Hah! Outstanding. I'm going to have to try that beard getup, too. I think this audio setup could be seriously marketable. Croissant with fresh salted butter and my Aunt Janet's apricot preserves.
-- panamax, Aug 28 2002

random, halfbakery