Product: Remote: Button
help button   (+8, -4)  [vote for, against]
" "

my new remote thingy has buttons for: power, drive select, AV (!?), channel up and down and sideways, volume, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,0, prog check, manual skip, input select, delete, reste, skip/index, slow/search, stop, pause, play, status, exit, GUIDE, direct navigator, function menu, option, return, create chapter, REC, REcmode, ext link, direxct TV rec, TEXT, STTL, display, timeslip, jet rew - most of which do apparently nothing.

I suggest one more button "help" - on-screen directions that tell you where you are going wrong.
-- po, Jan 07 2010

Handy PDF version of MaxwellBuchanan's annotation
Well, of most of it, anyway. [jutta, Jan 10 2010]

your purpose then is to deny the manufacturers what little pleasure they get in annoying customers? hmmph... [+] but I'm sure baked in some models.
-- FlyingToaster, Jan 07 2010

Why have on screen direction when it could be used to notify the local crack team of SAS/nerdy tech help?
<Cue helicopter, parasailing ninja, etc. etc.>
-- Jinbish, Jan 07 2010

oh "crack" threw me for a minute - yeah, they could sail through a window anytime they like!
-- po, Jan 07 2010

Power: self explanatory.

Drive select: park, neutral, forward, reverse.

AV: alternative video. Plays a Brazilian documentary about disability allowance.

Channel up and down: makes the channel go up and down.

Sideways: moves the TV to left or right to facilitate hoovering.

Volume: the overall size of the TV set; similar to "inflate/deflate".

1-10: calculator function.

Prog check: transfers money to the account of the man who programmed the remote (American spelling)

Manual Skip: allows the mains lead to be used for on-the- spot exercise.

Input select: jumps to the Food channel.

Delete: deletes the remote control.

Reste: this is clearly a European/US hybrid remote. Close your eyes and lie back whilst holding this button.

Skip/index: online list of excercises (see "manual skip")

Slow/search: makes the TV run slower while you look for the remote to change channel, so you don't miss too much.

Stop: stops.

Pause: similar to "reste", but shorter.

Play: converts the TV to an Aibo

Status: displays a message saying "48 inch flatscreen"

Exit: allows you to leave the room

GUIDE: *this* is the button you want. It summons a young girl guide who will know instinctively how to use the remote. May not function in all areas.

Direct navigator: as opposed to the indirect navigator.

function menu: pauses the programme for you to go to the loo (user-selectable time delay, depending on function expected).

Option: this button is optional.

Return: self explanatory; only applies if you have kept the receipt for the remote.

Create chapter: allows you to form a small local group of sheep worshippers.

REC: reconsider

REcmode: reconsider your mode

Ext link: this basically exts your link. You should do this every 2-3 weeks to clear the buildup of electrons in the aerial.

Direxct link: as above, but more thorough.

TEXT: stands for Transmitter Enhanced External Tone.

STTL: settle. Leaves the TV on the Nature channel, reduces the volume, turns down the treble and makes you a cup of tea.

Display: activates the "screen" - the large glassy area on the front of the set, which can supplement audio programs.

Timeslip: Measures the duration of a slip.

Jet Rew: must be used the first time the set is turned on, to prevent a dangerous buildup of protons in the capacitative discharge circuit.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 07 2010

//Sideways: moves the TV to left or right to facilitate hoovering//
Is it just me? or is there lots of posts-in-waiting in the annos today
-- FlyingToaster, Jan 07 2010

It's just you.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 07 2010

[MB] Truly inspired. You get at least 50 Cosmic Brownie Points for that anno. Would you rather have them as good karma, or as years deducted from your time in purgatory?
-- mouseposture, Jan 07 2010

-- blissmiss, Jan 07 2010

//good karma, or as years deducted //

Cash is always welcome.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 08 2010

I think we should be allowed to bun annos.
-- nineteenthly, Jan 08 2010

Instead of pressing F1,press "S""O""S"

That should fix it .
-- skinflaps, Jan 08 2010

Bun annos? No way!

I'm at the medical library at the local university hospital. Dropped by this while taking a break, and... well, I was trying to be quiet. Staff thought I was having a seizure, and since there were about 8 doctors in the house, I just got Triaged.
-- lurch, Jan 08 2010

I thought maybe this was a proposition to help the button. Because the button labors silently for hour upon thankless hour, the only help a Frito-greased thumb on the bum and a failing battery. The button could use help.
-- bungston, Jan 08 2010

hey, where's the 30 min sleep function?
-- po, Jan 08 2010

[marked-for-post] MB's intermittently insane and mostly false instruction guides for common household items.
-- daseva, Jan 08 2010

Awwww, gosh...
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 08 2010

what's a marked for post?

oh god, MB's gonna do a speech...
-- po, Jan 08 2010

My lords, ladies and gentlemen, esteemed fellow halfbakers, [P]o, members of the League of Improbable Persons, representatives of the press, caterers, lighting managers, cameramen, sound technicians, ostlers, ostlees and of course the honourable Jutta....and now I see my time is up.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 08 2010

Wow. And I liked the idea too, [po]
-- Mustardface, Jan 09 2010

Presumably, if we fancy [MB]'s anno sufficiently, we could prevail upon him to stick it on his profile page.
-- nineteenthly, Jan 09 2010

Or tie him up and force him to eat worms and salamanders, until he does.
-- blissmiss, Jan 09 2010

that's sad. no bloody terrible...
-- po, Jan 09 2010

I wish MB had come up with this - I'd give him a bun.
-- po, Jan 09 2010

Awwww gosh. No, wait, I said that before.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 09 2010

did u?
-- po, Jan 09 2010

I did. It was in response to another piece of undesevered flattery.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 09 2010

Awww, Jutta. I'm 40-something years old, and this is the first time I've ever been illustrated.
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 10 2010

(Oh, and the fact that I'm 40something is just between you and me.)
-- MaxwellBuchanan, Jan 10 2010

MB & Jutta: A new Classic, to be added to my "Swing: what the customer wanted collection"
-- Ling, Jan 10 2010

Excellent work, [MB]
The cheap implementation of this would be a button which popped up a message on the screen saying "What you just did was wrong"
-- hippo, Jan 10 2010

Now I want to be confused and unable to change my channels so I can get jutta to...oh wait...nevermind ;-)
-- blissmiss, Jan 10 2010

random, halfbakery