Host (Eric Idle): Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance
of a new symphony by one of the world's leading modern
composers, Arthur 'Two sheds' Jackson. Mr Jackson.
Jackson (Terry Jones): Hello.
Host: May I just sidetrack for one moment. This -- what shall I call it --
nickname of yours...
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: "Two sheds". How did you come by it?
Jackson: Well, I don't use it myself, but some of my friends call me "Two
Host: And do you in fact have two sheds?
Jackson: No, I've only got one. I've had one for some time, but a few years
ago I said I was thinking of getting another, and since then some
people have called me "Two Sheds".
Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.
Host: And are you still intending to purchase this second shed?
Jackson (impatient): No!
Host: ...To bring you in line with your epithet?
Host: I see, I see. Well to return to your symphony.
Jackson: Ah yes.
Host: Did you write this symphony in the shed?
Jackson (surprised): No!
Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
Jackson: No, no, not at all. It's just an ordinary garden shed.
Host: I see, I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write
Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business -- it doesn't really matter. The
sheds aren't important. A few friends call me Two Sheds and that's
all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about the music. Everybody
talks about the sheds. They've got it out of proportion -- I'm a
composer. I'm going to get rid of the shed. I'm fed up with it!
Host: Then you'll be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson, eh?
Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.
Host (sternly): Mr. Jackson, I think, with respect, we ought to return to the
subject of your symphony.
Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.
Host: I understand that, about thirty years ago, you were interested in
Jackson: Well what's that got to do with my bloody music?
John Cleese (entering): Are you having any trouble with him?
Host: Yes, a little. Good Lord! You're the man who interviewed Sir Edward
Cleese: Exactly. Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of
you, "Two Sheds".
Host: Yes, make yourself scarce, "Two Sheds". This studio isn't big enough
for the three of us! [They throw him out.]
Jackson: Here, what are you doing? Stop it! [Crash.]
Cleese: Get your own Arts programme, you fairy!
Host: Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson... Never mind, Timmy.
Cleese: Oh Mike, you're such a comfort.
[Jun 28 2002, last modified Jul 16 2002]
Crop circle olympics (+5, -1)
Drive-behind movies (+4, -8)
Fewer motorway junctions (+1, -2)
Word limit on ideas (+3, -26)