Business: Explosion
Monster Proof Buildings   (+14, -5)  [vote for, against]
Always expect the unexpected giant monster attack.

Buildings above a certain size (30 floors) should be fortified for attack by standard giant monsters. The initial standard giant monster should be a 50 foot tall bipedal monster with claws, teeth, a huge tail, be radioactive and have the ability to breath fire. The monster should be assumed to either want to demolish the building, eat the occupants or climb up it. There should be plans by both civil and military resources to respond to such a threat in a timely manner.

This kind of surreal planning would allow people to account for some situations we can not currently anticipate.
-- Aristotle, Jan 15 2002

New England Society for Psychic Research
Ed and Lorraine Warren. Quite the resume. [waugsqueke, Jan 15 2002]

Ecto-plasmic figure hanging right outside the bathroom door
[waugsqueke, Jan 15 2002]

The Giant Spider Invasion http://www.mst3kinf.../daddyo/di_810.html
[waugsqueke, Jan 17 2002]

You need a new toilet seat
Rods should get this one. He LOVES plastic fish. [thumbwax, Jan 18 2002, last modified Oct 17 2004]

It sounds like the monster should be scaled up a bit then to make it more effective. However you are quite correct about smaller building as they could be stomped or bulldozed by even a 50 foot monster. Making them monsterproof could assist them when they are hit by trucks, trains or SUVs.
-- Aristotle, Jan 15 2002

Just make them dig reeeeaaallly deep basements so that they can quickly lower the whole building into the basement and the monster can't get it. The giant monster alarm goes off and WHUMP all the buildings disappear, and the monster is confronted with a giant parking lot littered with air conditioning units....
-- gus2, Jan 15 2002

bliss... yep. See link.
-- waugsqueke, Jan 15 2002

bliss... yep again. See link.
-- waugsqueke, Jan 15 2002

[blissmiss] Stop using the toilet as an ashtray...
-- phoenix, Jan 15 2002

//Witnessed by both myself and my partnered one//
blissmiss, define: Witnessed
-- thumbwax, Jan 15 2002

Arachnid droppings.
-- waugsqueke, Jan 15 2002

ravenswood: Like the Dilbert idea. If I can find enough of the cartoons to look at I may try drawing it, if thats ok with you of course
-- kaz, Jan 15 2002

hope its not to do with my astral tripping, bliss. ever so sorry if it is...
-- po, Jan 15 2002

Making a building ghost-proof certainly would be a challenge as no-one can agree if these phemenoma are psychiatric, physical or theological in their origin. The more obvious solutions are:

* Holy water sprinklers
* OLED handheld screens that can display various religious symbols
* Better interior design to cheer up occupants
* Recruitment of ecumenical chaplains to perform blessing or exorcisms
-- Aristotle, Jan 16 2002

Apparently, magnetic fields and low-frequency sound could also contribute to haunting phenomena. Lab experiments have replicated things like the feeling of cold chills, of being watched, of a presence in the room, inexplicably heightened anxiety, even visual effects like amorphous, grey images in the corner of your vision, or tactile effects like feeling as if something is tugging on your sleeve.

The chap who came up with the low-frequency sound theory, if I remember right, was working in a new building that, on some bright, sunny days, somehow creeped everyone that was in it. Working late one evening, he found himself getting more and more afraid, for no sensible reason, kept getting the feeling that he was being watched and nearly shat himself when he caught a glimpse of a vague grey apparition behind him. Eventually, he was too freaked out to work and started looking round the lab, where he found a steel bar clamped in a vice, eerily vibrating for no apparent reason. After his initial reaction, though, he started thinking - this is getting energy from somewhere - and he eventually found the cause in a newly installed air-conditioning unit. Switched on, the room felt like a mortuary; switched off, it was as if someone had taken a huge weight off of his shoulders. Just goes to show there may be perfectly rational explanations.

On the other hand, and just in case, for ghost-proofing buildings I'd suggest dead pet guard dogs. If doggy loyalty extends, as it can do, beyond the owner's death, one might well presume it to extend beyond the doggy's death.
-- Guy Fox, Jan 16 2002

It is not impossible that many ghost sightings might have an explaination linked to an interaction between physical forces and human perception. Working on these possible causes elimating or reducing low frequency noise, for example, could even have benefits for building occupants.
-- Aristotle, Jan 16 2002

<pedant> king kong climbed one tower of the WTC because it reminded him of a monolith/big rock thing on his island in the version i saw plus he didnt have a tail or claws, wasnt radioactive and couldnt breathe fire</pedant>

ravenswood - good but maybe you could replace "Are there any questions so far?" with "Step one: reclassify monster as a manager to cease all activity" or maybe not

personally i get spooked because i watch too much buffy and am too easily scared (id probably shut myself in a cupboard for days if i saw a proper horror movie) but maybe the fridge is giving me low-frequency-lurgies because the kitchen is one of the scariest rooms at night
-- chud, Jan 16 2002

Because that's where you keep the k n i v e s ....

chud, you're obviously unfamiliar with the original King Kong film, in which he climbed the Empire State Building. And the other references are to Godzilla et al, which it seems you have not seen either. How that is possible, I cannot say.
-- waugsqueke, Jan 16 2002

to create a monster-proof building, you simply create a movie or other sort of fiction and make the character(s) say it's monster-proof, and then make the building behave as if it's monster-proof. (it will only be monster-proof if you want it to be.)
-- omega_scientist, Jan 16 2002

Bliss: and here I thought that 'ghost poop' was just another name for those white styrofoam squiggles they used to put in packing boxes.

I don't think you're being haunted (kitty wouldn't have kept sleeping if your defecating spirit actually had paid a visit), but it sure would be fun to look into the possibility, yes? Don't go to witch doctors, specialists, or (God forbid) priests ... just get into the history of your house, neighborhood, and local area. Perhaps you had a coal-mining murder victim living in the area, once; his restless spirit might simply be unfamiliar with indoor plumbing.

As for monster-proof buildings: patently absurd! If we start making our buildings monster-proof, won't that encourage every ambitious monster to take a swing at our gleaming skyscrapers?

Zero tolerance, people! We must preserve our building standards, even as we act against Godzilla and those who harbor Godzilla! United We Stand!
-- 1percent, Jan 17 2002

<aside> I had the privilege of watching the original "King Kong" outdoors in New York's Bryant Park A couple of years ago. During the scene where Kong climbs the Empire State Building, I could turn my head back and forth between the *real* E.S.B. and the film. Really good fun, somehow. </aside>
-- snarfyguy, Jan 17 2002

ok i saw a later version of king kong

waugsqueke - how many monsters/strange assailants will know where i keep the knives before i get to them? (though they would certainly knock them instantly from my weedy hand and then kill me with their bare hands/claws/tentacles/teeth/psychic powers)
-- chud, Jan 17 2002

Indeed, chud. Anyone who has watched even a modicum of horror movies should know that kitchen knives are no weapon against monsters. You may be able to stab them ineffectually in the leg, but you will then find yourself inexplicably driven to drop the knife and run, arms flailing and screaming like a big girlie.

Flashlights also appear to be highly perilous in such circumstances, as these apparently serve only as a beacon to guide the monster lurking in the darkness to its victim, i.e. you.

I would suggest that one possible defence against monsters is simply to be far more extreme than they could ever even conceive of: cultivate your maniacal laugh; lurk in the darkness and jump out at _them_ when _they_ least expect it; also, garden tools such as the lawnmower or chainsaw appear to be much more effective when dealing with, say, the undead (cf. Brain Dead (or is it Bad Taste?) and Evil Dead II) than any pathetic little kitchen knife.

If all else fails, always have a spatula close to hand. I have yet to see a horror movie where anyone went up against a monster with a spatula and lost.
-- Guy Fox, Jan 17 2002

'I have yet to see a horror movie where anyone went up against a monster with a spatula and lost.'
(Buffy reference) Cordelia once used a spatula to stake a vampire.
-- angel, Jan 17 2002

Which only goes to prove my point, angel. To the best of my knowledge that gives the spatula a 100% success rate against monsters.
-- Guy Fox, Jan 17 2002

Nah. Earlier in the same ep, she failed to injure a demon by slapping it on the head with the spatula. Knocks the average down to 50%.
-- angel, Jan 17 2002

Hmm. I was going by the Victims Not Hideously Massacred measure, rather than Monsters Despatched To The Beyond, focusing on survival rather than slaying. One might well posit, from the evidence you mention, that the apparent initial effectiveness of weaponry is in fact in inverse proportion to the actual effectiveness of weapon.

Kitchen knife: *seems* like a good choice; inflicts deep, penetrating stab wound on monster; end result - victim dies horribly.

Spatula: *seems* like an insane choice; inflicts risible 'boink' on monster's bonce; end result - monster dies horribly.
-- Guy Fox, Jan 17 2002

Here's a better way to say what I tried to say earlier:

To monster-proof your building, simply arrange for a demonstration. That'll protect you.
-- beauxeault, Jan 17 2002

I had a TOON character called Count Spatula. Every evening, after the sun had gone down, he roamed the streets, knocking on people's doors and using his hypnotic, vampire powers to sell them complete sets of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica in hardback.
-- DrBob, Jan 17 2002

I'm going to be hiding under my bed with my spatula until the monsters are gone..... Wake me when it's over. Of course if I see any black powdery stuff under the bed I'll call the FBI and report that there have been mildewey Taliban fighters under my bed.

-- willie_pheeler, Jan 18 2002

[Guy Fox: The deployment of the lawnmower against armies of the undead was pioneered, of course, in Dead Alive (also released, stupidly, as "Braindead"). The same film is also notable for the first really epic kung-fu battle between zombie gangs and the Roman Catholic clergy, and for the most startlingly overdeveloped quasi-Freudian metaphor of any New Zealand horror film of the early 90s.]
-- Monkfish, Jan 18 2002

<theme from Dark Shadows>Has the Ghost returned?</theme from Dark Shadows>
-- thumbwax, Jan 18 2002

Today buildings are in fact monster-proofed. The monster is Sturnus vulgaris, the European Starling. The monster-proofing is a tape, played through a loud-speaker at dusk, of the most horrible sounds Starlings ever hear--the alarm call of a starling, the cries of a small creature being killed by a predator, the cry of a raptor. So for the really big monster-proofing, what you wanna do is to take and put a really big loudspeaker on the building. The speaker plays a quarter-speed version of the Starling-repelling recording. Play it at dusk, just when the monster is likely to emerge from the sea. Or just play your stereo real loud from the rooftop. Put on that Public Image CD...PPPUH! HA! Boy, am I embarrassed! That's why city people do those things! They are just trying to scare the big monsters away! Well, you live and you learn.
-- entremanure, Jan 19 2002

Monster Walks The Winter Lake
I. The Monster
A monster is an imaginary animal
"A monster is an imaginary animal compounded of incongruous elements"
that's what it says in the book - I looked it up. Says that in the dictionary - sounds like a dictionary phrase - sometimes you can tell when things come from the dictionary
A monster is an imaginary animal and I wondered if it sounded like anyone you know no? Awright
It's an imaginary animal - we've patched ours together from parts that don't matter - we made him live for someone to talk to - he's monstrous & kind - he's playful & charming - people love em' - and we love em' too. - One small flaw
It seems maybe we missed something out - just a small fly in the ointment - it's he's got no heart - he's got no heart - he's got no part of a future - no part of a past - nothing to share - nothing to confide - he's got no heart - he's got no heart
What kind of a price to pay for no comfort - no comfort.
The monster stands at the edge of the winter lake - looks out over the land of the silence stretching out between us - the king of the land of the silence - stretching out between us most like forever - or a winter lake - it's most like forever - or a winter lake - frozen - white & waste - tense & unbroken - the silence between us
out there - out there - roams the king of the land of the silence between us - winter bare - a winter bear - great white & dangerous - it signifies time - overfed - deathly slow - time
king of the land of the silence between us - the monster stands at the edge of the winter lake - looks out - (points with trembling finger) -oooh - the great white bear - the great white bear - the great white bear - Moby Bear!
But for Monster it's always summertime - don't ya see he doesn't see? - Through the trees - like it was snowing - there were parts - of flowers blowing - walk with me - talk with me - walk with me -talk with me
it's not so bad - it's not so bad - it's not so bad - it's not so bad
Oh the wind - the wind was blowing - through the leaves - time was showing - walk with me - talk with me -walk with me - talk with me - it's not so bad - it's not so bad - it's not so bad - it's not so bad.
Don't ya see he doesn't see? - Down to the lake he goes - watchin the water roll in - down to the lake he goes - his pickup truck he's got stereo dogs in the back - and he's at the water - and the water's big - it's gray & big - he says, Big - he says, Big don't you see how big it is?
watchin the water go in - molecules of it are so big they're bouncin off the rocks like popcorn - you have to brush it from your hair - oh - so darlin reach your hand out - and take a handful - a molecule of your own choosing - a souvenir of the day Monster walks with you - (a handful of nothin slips between your fingers).
And Monster says, when I'm gone - when I'm gone just don't say I never gave ya anything
and it's not so bad, is it? - it's not so bad, is it? not so bad to be with me?

David Thomas
-- thumbwax, Jan 19 2002

A song by David Thomas of Pere Ubu / The Wooden Birds fame. He's a very, very interesting man, and Pere Ubu is a very, very interesting band. Monster Walks The Winter Lake is also the album title and to me a listen is utterly compelling - others may disagree.
-- thumbwax, Jan 19 2002

just a note from a newbie (hi all)

a well deserved croissant for an idea whose comments made me laugh so loud i repainted my screen with morning coffee,

special mention to angel (??) and his extensive knowledge of buffy and her pals..

Good day
-- SnooperGoober, Apr 27 2003

random, halfbakery