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A lending library of puns

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It is often a pun comes to mind, but there is no relevant situation at the time.

Library member X has need of a pun, but can't think of one. They can use the library to find something relevant, and return it when the deed is done.

Example (takes sip of water) <start of pun>" I went to Crete for a holiday and to study their culture, but it's not my scene these days" </end of pun>.

not_morrison_rm, Feb 17 2019

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       [8th] already has more than enough puns. For gods' sakes, let's not encourage him further.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 17 2019
  

       All your pun are belong to us.
8th of 7, Feb 17 2019
  

       For some reason, the "All your X are belong to us." always appears to be in a deep Jamaican Reggae accent in my head. "Ahhhhl your pun are belong to us."   

       Still, maybe the Borg have Jamaican accents. "We arrr de hegemonizin' swaahrm, booyakasha!"
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 17 2019
  

       That leads to the obvious question: Do Borg have nipples?
LimpNotes, Feb 17 2019
  

       Depends on the species, obviously. 8th hasn't seen his since 1991, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.
RayfordSteele, Feb 17 2019
  

       A smelly man who follows word play?
xenzag, Feb 17 2019
  

       For play.
LimpNotes, Feb 17 2019
  

       Ahhh no. The answer is pungent of course.
xenzag, Feb 17 2019
  

       You can get ointment for that, now ... it's called punguent.   

       We don't want to rub it in, though.
8th of 7, Feb 17 2019
  

       What would the filing system be like for puns? I don't think the Dewey decimal systems would work. Is the pun filed under the initiator or the resultant? Or perhaps both, like a language translation dictionary.   

       I would think that really bad puns don't need to be returned to the library. They could be left for dead.
tumblewit, Feb 17 2019
  

       Dewey decimal would be fine, despite being created by a small cartoon duck.   

       Very early example of an equal opportunities program etc.
not_morrison_rm, Feb 17 2019
  

       //The answer is pungent of course.//

You can get an ointment for that, now...it's called punguent.

We don't want to rub it in, though.
LimpNotes, Feb 17 2019
  

       How do I cite the works referenced/plagerized?
LimpNotes, Feb 17 2019
  

       // plagerized //   

       With a Black Spot ... ?   

       Hmmm ... is there an echo in here ... ?
8th of 7, Feb 17 2019
  

       .
pertinax, Feb 18 2019
  

       .
pertinax, Feb 18 2019
  

       Yes, and you can hear a pin drop.
pertinax, Feb 18 2019
  

       We need an ISO standard pin dropped from a prescribed height onto a prescribed surface
RayfordSteele, Feb 18 2019
  

       What if someone doctors the results, though ?
8th of 7, Feb 18 2019
  

       I think newspapers have some pre-written articles for very slow news days, so are they prescribed?
not_morrison_rm, Feb 18 2019
  

       Only the ones for the Tabloids ...   

       // really bad puns don't need to be returned to the library. They could be left for dead //   

       Certainly not, they should be released back into the wild, where they can join a flock of their feral siblings. Natural selection will result in tougher, more vigourous puns that are better adapted to a harsh environment.
8th of 7, Feb 18 2019
  

       Some may wait with baited breath,
For a shore of deserved death,
Of puns shallow and void of breadth,
That some fool has just saidth.

But sour puns can be best,
By the whey they manifest,
A ferment in stern men's chests,
Hair torn out, drawers a mess.

The best ones though, they just click,
An image that does depict,
Several meanings you can pic,
With a jaw that's apt to split.
LimpNotes, Feb 18 2019
  

       <Awestruck silence>   

       <DEAFENING APPLAUSE/>
8th of 7, Feb 18 2019
  

       //I would think that really bad puns don't need to be returned to the library. They could be left for dead//   

       You were so close. The phrase that you needed was “This idea should be shelved.”
AusCan531, Feb 19 2019
  

       So, MFD un-called-for list?   

       Synchronized vulgarity dozen twerk.
pertinax, Feb 21 2019
  

       //What would the filing system be like for puns?//   

       May I refer you back to the original idea.   

       // .. relevant situation .. //   

       A filing system probably isn't going to be much use for this sort of retrieval to be honest.   

       So we probably need a database with several "suitable situation" fields for the search strings to latch onto.
Skewed, Feb 21 2019
  

       // A filing system probably isn't going to be much use //   

       Not for puns; it might work for irony filings, though ...
8th of 7, Feb 21 2019
  

       Aren't those magnetic?   

       Oh & type slower, you got an e when you wanted a w there, "eork".
Skewed, Feb 21 2019
  

       They could be stored in a pun net. The gentleman in charge of that would be known as the 'pun gent', of course.
bhumphrys, Feb 21 2019
  

       We've already been there with that one.
xenzag, Feb 21 2019
  

       I keep reading this idea as "Lending Library Of Puss"
xenzag, Feb 21 2019
  

       That would have an interesting catalog ...   

       Just be glad it isn't Lending Library Of Pus, which sounds exceedingly unpleasant.
8th of 7, Feb 22 2019
  

       Wonders if Capt'n Smith of the Titanic said "Its the tip of the iceberg".
not_morrison_rm, Feb 22 2019
  

       Captain Smith, shirley ?
8th of 7, Feb 22 2019
  

       //Captain Smith   

       Ah, but that was just his stage name.
not_morrison_rm, Feb 22 2019
  

       Never forget, the pun is mightier than the sword; just think of all the millions killed by Attila the Pun.
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 23 2019
  

       Attila's punditry is well known to all -- hard to say if he was more of a pundit or a pundal -- although he raised more than one eyebrow when he offered to suck Rome to the bone.
theircompetitor, Feb 23 2019
  
      
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