So I thought there must be lots of ways to lose weight other than to eat less and get more exercise. Wearing fewer clothes in cold weather uses extra calories. And energetic sex can burn off a good amount of fat, especially if you're naked. Dancing in nightclubs to fast music scores highly, and even drinking coffee might perk up your metabolism.

Thus I invent it: a slimming club where people are given points for good stuff like that, rather than for never touching a chocolate food product. And it's not just a plan to surround myself with scantily-clad women eager to have sex. It's to make women feel good about themselves. So they'll sleep with me.