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# Bacon Slicer

For cutting bacon ... exactly.
 (+11, -1) [vote for, against]

Those of a mathematical disposition and/or sufferers from obsessive-compulsive disorder may find that their breakfasts are less enjoyable than they might otherwise be by the vexed problem of making bacon sandwiches.

The problem is particularly serious when, for instance, a pack of bacon contains seven rashers and it is intended that three bacon sandwiches should be produced; each sandwich requires 2.33 rashers to achieve symmetry and Universal Balance.

However carefully bacon is grilled or fried, at the end of the process the rashers have not only distorted but have lost mass - in different proportions, depending on the evenness of heating. The erstwhile butty-muncher is presented with seven irregular strips of bacon to divide into three exactly equal portions. By the time this is achieved, the bacon has gone cold and is no longer so enjoyable.

But help is at hand; now available, the BorgCo bacon slicer. Equipped with a micrometrically accurate laser system, the cook places all the slices of bacon in the pre-warmed chamber of the slicer. A 3D image recongnition system and the laser profiler analyses the shape, size, thickness, degree of deformation or crispiness, and the laser then slices the rashers as determined by the software to produce exactly equal portions containing the same amounts of meat and fat with the same average degree of crispiness.

The laser also burns identifying numerals onto the surface of each piece and displays on its LCD touchscreen the relative positions of the relevant pieces, highlighted in colour. All that is necessary is to remove the relevant slices from the device and arrange them according to the displayed plan on the bread or toast (A customisable library of morning goods is provided, but the unit can self-scan bread for accurate optimisation of bacon placement).

 — 8th of 7, Mar 17 2010

The Sandwich Sandwich The_20Sandwich_20Sandwich
[wagster, Mar 18 2010]

[hippo, Mar 18 2010]

Aerosol Bacon Aerosol_20Bacon
Half-baked solution, for sure. [Cedar Park, Nov 16 2010]

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Annotation:

sympathy [+] while the bacon thing doesn't bother me, the fact that all loaves of bread are cut into an odd number of pieces does.
 — FlyingToaster, Mar 17 2010

this is not a problem in the US. seems to me there are at least 12 slices in my packages. But + for unnecessary complicatedness of the product.
 — dentworth, Mar 17 2010

Not complicated enough: why doesn't it have a sorting platter that arranges the cut pieces in order ready to transfer to the bread? I'm returning my unit for a refund!
 — pocmloc, Mar 17 2010

 Refund refused. It's not our fault if you were too cheap to pay for the high-end model and some of the aftermarket extras like the robotic rasher placer.

[dentworth], what of you did have twelve rashers but wanted to make five sandwiches ? What are you going to do, give two rashers to the dog ?
 — 8th of 7, Mar 17 2010

wonder if you could take the bacon right off the pig
 — FlyingToaster, Mar 18 2010

"...give two rashers to the dog ? " oh, so you've met my dog!
 — dentworth, Mar 18 2010

 // you've met my dog! //

 We have met many dogs. The bacon thing apperars to be a genetic trait.

 // right off the pig //

Only if the pig has recently recovered from an illness, because bacon has to be cured.
 — 8th of 7, Mar 18 2010

 I'm almost hesitant to point out that the "three sandwiches from seven rashers" problem is a lot easier to equitably sort out if you simply make two equal cuts perpendicular to the original package slicing before removing from the backer. Each cut will result in seven equal and much smaller pieces that are perfecly sized for stacking on a sandwich in any pattern desired. (I'm personally fond of the four-square foundation, filling of choice, and roof of three pattern, for example.)

To resolve the problem of pieces growing cold while waiting to be divided after cooking, simply cook each portion of seven one-third-sized pieces in a separate 10" skillet, simultaneously. They will fit perfectly.
 — jurist, Mar 18 2010

 It's people like you that start wars, you know.

You have OCD, and we claim our five dollars ...
 — 8th of 7, Mar 18 2010

What the fuck is a rasher? Is it a single slice of bacon? Is it a person predisposed to pruritus? Fuck, man! You're country made the language but doesn't speak it!
 — MikeD, Mar 18 2010

"Rasher" is defined by Webster's as "a thin slice of bacon or ham for frying or broiling", but in many common contexts refers to "a serving of three or four slices, especially of bacon." That's sort of the universal meaning in most restaurants and kitchens on both sides of the Atlantic.
 — jurist, Mar 18 2010

 //both sides of the Atlantic//

Funny. In almost two decades of eating the stuff, I've never heard of it reffered to as such. Of course, I've only lived in 8 of the 50 united states.
 — MikeD, Mar 18 2010

//You're country // sp: your
 — csea, Mar 18 2010

//reffered//, too, if we are going to make an issue of language and spelling.
 — jurist, Mar 18 2010

 By the Banach-Tarski paradox it should be possible to slice a rasher of bacon in such a way that it can be reassembled into two rashers identical to the original, which is perfect for those mornings when you realise that your fridge isn't was well stocked as you might ideally like.

Of course, to perform this feat the slicing mechanism has to be able to cut the bacon in any direction; simply slicing it from above won't be sufficient, as the paradox doesn't hold in two dimensions.
 — Wrongfellow, Mar 18 2010

//By the Banach-Tarski paradox it should be possible to slice a rasher of bacon in such a way that it can be reassembled into two rashers identical to the original// - and use them to make a bacon bacon sandwich sandwich (link) (rather self-promoting link at that)
 — wagster, Mar 18 2010

//By the Banach-Tarski paradox it should be possible [...]// Balls!
 — pertinax, Mar 18 2010

 //By the Banach-Tarski paradox it should be possible //

Anyway, that sounds like some kind of mystical invocation. How about "By the Banach-Tarski paradox I now pronounce you man and wife"? Or maybe, "By the Banach-Tarski paradox, that was a large, yet strangely unsatisfying breakfast!"
 — pertinax, Mar 18 2010

I'm going to see if I can use that in casual conversation before the day is out.
 — wagster, Mar 18 2010

I think a kitchen gadget to Banach-Tarskify food would be useful. You ought to be able to chuck in anything - a rasher of bacon, a slice of toast, a Scotch Egg - and receive a number of duplicate items of food in return.
 — hippo, Mar 18 2010

//duplicate items of food in return// which is fine if you like mashed foods.
 — zen_tom, Mar 18 2010

Q: How do you divide 7 rashers bacon among 3 sandwiches?
A: Make bacon bits!
 — nick_n_uit, Mar 18 2010

// Q: How do you divide 7 rashers bacon among 3 sandwiches?
A:// 2 rashers in your sandwich, 2 in yours, and 3 in mine. Sorted.
 — pocmloc, Mar 18 2010

wait, 2.33 rashers on one sandwich? how do you manage with such a pitiful amount? i'd put the whole seven on one sandwich!
 — Arcanus, Mar 26 2010

 Let it be known that BorgCo is now developing a Bacon Microtome, capable of producing incredibly thin slices of almost-instantly-cookable ultrathin crispy bacon.

 We're looking for investors, and also bacon sandwich testers.

Don't all rush at once. ...
 — 8th of 7, Sep 16 2010

I'm concerned that the laser-burnt numerals will taste funny, or at least less good than the rest.
 — subatomicsushi, Sep 17 2010

 Hold on, hold on. Just wait one minute here.

 What in great green fuck is a "butty-muncher"?

This sounds like something that should be on an entirely different site...
 — Custardguts, Sep 17 2010

 A traditional mainstay of the diet of the civilised parts of your planet is the "sandwich", invented by John Montagu, 4th Earl of Sandwich. A slang term for a sandwich, particularly one filled with bacon, is "butty".

One who consumes such a delightful comestible is therefore by definition a "butty-muncher".
 — 8th of 7, Sep 17 2010

"Butty" is a "sandwich" filled with bacon? Is this a gay reference to the misuse of bacon, between two consenting adults, in the way gerbils are sometimes misused?
 — infidel, Sep 19 2010

There are chip butties as well. And possibly jam butties. I always assumed it was to do with narrow boats.
 — pocmloc, Sep 19 2010

Submarine sandwiches, actually ...
 — 8th of 7, Sep 19 2010

 //particularly one filled with bacon//

I contest the suggestion that "butty" is predominantly applied to bacon butties. Jam butty or chip butty springs much more readily to mind.
 — MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 19 2010

No gerbil butties then?
 — infidel, Sep 19 2010

Just two questions; what is a "green fuck" and where can I buy [hippo]'s invention too?
 — blissmiss, Sep 19 2010

Carbon neutral.
 — MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 19 2010

Perhaps it is one performed in the surroundings of nature, blissmiss?
 — infidel, Sep 19 2010

 Intriguing. Representing each procreative act, the participants place in their garden a plant which when fully grown corresponds the net energy expenditure.

You'd learn a lot from other's gardens, from the guy with the window box full of mustard-and-cress to the divorcee with the ten-acre plot set out with densely planted larch, Scots pine, and of course the mighty Douglas Fir ...
 — 8th of 7, Sep 19 2010

Perhaps the latter gets through a lot of batteries.
 — pocmloc, Sep 19 2010

That would a less green option, I would imagine.
 — infidel, Sep 19 2010

[8th of 7] Their gardens would tell you a lot about them, certainly, but quite what they would tell you is a little ambiguous.
 — mouseposture, Sep 19 2010

Maybe a vegetable garden would be more appropriate, 8 of 7? Then you might reap what you sow, so to speak.
 — infidel, Sep 19 2010

Like few acres of wild oats, perhaps ? Suddenly, going over to arable sounds a good plan.
 — 8th of 7, Sep 19 2010

please half-bake that [8th] so I can bun it.
Alternatively I would happily plagiarize it...
 — Voice, Nov 13 2010

This idea makes me think that you may be very silly. +
 — nomocrow, Nov 14 2010

I'm envisioning a paper shredder-like device modified to handle bacon, featuring vertical laser grilling with built-in drip pan. Self cleaning, of course.
 — cudgel, Nov 14 2010

 Lasers are great for cutting, but not so good for grilling; simple radiant heat works much better.

 If the input slot of the "shredder" had an optical scannner, eash rasher could be "scanned in", grilled, then sliced as required on exit.

Adding a microwave heating component to the grilling could substantially reduce cooking time without compromising flavour or crispness.
 — 8th of 7, Nov 14 2010

[8th_of_7] *Why* are lasers not good for grilling?
 — mouseposture, Nov 15 2010

Do you want the two-dollar answer, or the five-dollar answer, [mp] ?
 — 8th of 7, Nov 16 2010

Whichever one is correct, please. Or if neither is correct, I'd like the more amusing.
 — mouseposture, Nov 17 2010

Lasers are really good for absolutely everything!
 — pocmloc, Nov 17 2010

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