h a l f b a k e r y
The embarrassing drunkard uncle of invention.
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So I had this friend and it really was a friend, not me,
that that should matter, who used to, this is when we
both about 12 or 13, i swear to god, pleasure himself
a vaccum cleaner hose, and, yes there was a size issue -
he was just pre-pubescent and I was just post pubescent
wow this may be a little personal... but anyway who
now i am like 45. So the point is that being
he was small enough to fit inside the vaccum cleaner
sorry this is so graphic but it is all for a good cause just
bear with me here, so the kid was able to fit inside the
vaccum hose and turn the thing on and it would, you
vibrate him back and forth with a sound that raised and
lowered according to how closely he held the hose onto
body, so it was like a musical instrument -- a "sex
trombone" in that it changed pitch according to how
tightly he was holding it to his body. And of course the
point of the whole thing was that he finished off, and an
added benefit, I guess, or maybe a liability, was that the
vaccum cleaner took care of everything else.
And I have thought a number of times of this weirdness
over the years, but never, until now, over my fifth bottle
of rubber cement tonight in the homeless shelter, just
kidding, no i'm not, yes i am, thought that this kind of a
contraption could have a greater benefit -- be amplified
and gentle-ified so that it was a whole body machine
the shape of the walls of the vaccum tube are optimized
gently vibrate the different parts of the body so that
are in constant low level vibration at a level that is not
painful but is energizing and energy-expending, and so
that there is no mental storage of excess energy, (which
the root of all evil I am convinced), and so that optimal
repetitive motion and then, through acoustic
starting with audio books, mental programming and
predictable mental energy extraction could be acheived.
So you would basically have a borgish sort of lung thing,
without any wires or other substrates, just a bunch of
really happy people being moved and programmatically
feeding back energy by air intake. And so what kind of
natural breathing process could be doing the energy
intake? Well maybe they are like a borg and all
together in a big lung so there is a non human element
the contraption that forces the vibrations of the human
elements acording to air intake... f it i cant write it out.
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||Having read this through a few times, I have found that the way that makes this best to read if you imagine it being spoken aloud by a coy though somewhat flirtatious Prince, over an early 90s funk instrumental. Come to think of it, wasn't this the B-side to Gett Off?
||<rereads text> Thanks [calum] - that's much better. Also, I was imagining three female backing singers chanting the words "Sex Trombone" a few times between the paragraphs and then again at the end.
||Your childhood friend's strange mechanical sexual preference adds a new 'wanking noise signature' to the list I have compiled from various roommates. A wanking noise signature is almost always unique, and can be used to identify when your roommate is wanking so as to not disturb them. In your friend's case the vacuum cleaner is a clear one. Others include one friend who always inadvertently announced his sessions by locking his door, another had a squeaky chair hinge, another would audibly say "I'm off for a wank" or something to that effect and the list goes on.
||I was on more or less the same wavelength as calum on this, although I was thinking of Ben Frost's rendition of halfbakery ideas, with occasional saxophone backing, on Youtube.
||Bun chiefly for calums great improvement. Having just watched Sexy MF I can see exactly how this would work.
||But as far as vibrating people I thought folks have been doing that since the 1930s. Wasnt there a vibrotable recently designed to combat osteoporosis in astronauts?
||I think it works much better in the voice of [actually, no,
there's no reason you need to know that].
||What I find somewhat disturbing to ponder is how exactly
[JHC] knows all this. Ignorance of bliss is, in some cases,
||It's a bit of a confounding statement.
||//f it i cant write it out.// Obviously. [-]
||Tagline when I read this:
||// Yeah, I wish it made more sense too. //
||Tagline when I wrote this anno:
||// I didn't say you were on *to* something, I said you
were *on* something. //