Airline Sanitizing Pants

Thousands of times every day airline passengers are reminded that, in the unlikely event of a water landing, they may use their seat cushion as a flotation device. However, the perfectly normal human response to hearing the news that they will ACTUALLY HAVE TO DO IT because the plane is plummeting toward an unsettlingly large and inconveniently placed ocean, will render the seat cushion into something you’d really rather not hang on to. Even without the aforementioned human response, the seat cushion (and everything else on board) is a hotbed of bacteria, viruses, and half masticated pretzel bits.

What to do?

Enter Airline Sanitizing Pants. These are sturdy, loosely woven pants made with antibacterial and antimicrobial wipes built in. From the moment you board the aircraft and take your seat (with your seat belt securely fastened) the pants are sanitizing your seat cushion. When the inevitable announcement comes, you can relax and enjoy your rapid descent in relative germ-free comfort, perhaps even taking your final few moments to finish watching the on-board movie or flossing after the complimentary snack.

But wait! There’s more!

Ampoules of calcium carbide are sewn into the hemmed cuffs of your Airline Sanitizing Pants. If you are bobbing along in the ocean clutching your thoroughly sanitized seat cushion and hear a rescue boat or plane, all you have to do is rub your legs together to release the calcium carbide. This will create sufficient acetylene gas to burst the lower portion of your trousers into flames, ensuring that you will be noticed no matter the time of day or night.