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Bananaboni

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People slipping on banana skins is a staple of English and American humour, and is the only government-approved joke in post-reunification Germany.

Sadly, however, genuine banana skin accidents are quite rare these days. This is partly because people are more litter- conscious, partly because we eat less fruit, and partly because lawsuit-conscious councils keep the streets cleaner.

Proposed hereby, therefore, is a Banana Rink.

The Banana Rink is an ice-rink-sized arena, whose floor consists of a finely perforated steel sheet. Powerful fans pull a vacuum through the perforations.

Instead of the ice-rink's Zamboni, the Banana Rink employs a Bananaboni. This wondrous machine carries a large hopper full of fresh banana skins, reclaimed from the large industrial banana-peeling factories found in most major cities.

The skins fall from the hopper into the machinery, where a blade stamps out long, narrow diamond shapes from each piece of skin. The surplus material is incinerated on board the machine, providing power.

The cut skins are then fed to a conveyer mechanism, which is carefully synched with the machine's forward movement. Each diamond-shaped piece is dropped onto the vacuum floor at exactly the right position, and buttered-side-up, creating a perfectly-tiled, seamless banana-skin mosaic.

Conventional ice skates are not permitted on the Banana Rink: not only do they provide too much side-to-side grip, but they will also bruise and damage the skins. Instead, Banana Skates have smooth steel blades, up-curved at the edges and about an inch wide, to attain optimal griplessness.

MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 22 2014

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       I never use butter on my bananas anymore. Too dangerous.
RayfordSteele, Sep 22 2014
  

       It's the skins you're meant to butter, not that bananas themselves, silly.
pocmloc, Sep 22 2014
  

       Will this result in lots of Germans falling over backwards and smashing the back of their heads on an extremely hard, unyielding surface ?   

       If so, [+].
8th of 7, Sep 22 2014
  

       Yes, as long as someone can persuade lots of Germans to walk onto the rink. Whether you define a thin layer of banana skin over a steel sheet as "unyielding" is a moot point.
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 22 2014
  

       Either you're clueless about the existing banana skin market or you simply don't care that your proposal will drive up prices to the point that b-skinz (as they're known on the street) will be the subject of rampant gang warfare and the resulting needless prolonging of the war on drugs. Do a little research next time.
the porpoise, Sep 22 2014
  

       I did my research. The bananaboni has one seat for the driver, but also three passenger seats located around the chimney on the firebox where the skin trimmings are burnt. Places for the gullible on these seats sell for a premium.
MaxwellBuchanan, Sep 22 2014
  

       // Do a little research next time. //   

       Eh ?   

       This is the HalfBakery ... research is something that happens out there in dirtspace ...
8th of 7, Sep 22 2014
  

       Not only are bananas endangered, but Mythbusters did something very much like this, without the ingenious skates. Still, the first paragragh made me peal like a banged-on banana, so [+]
4and20, Sep 22 2014
  

       //lots of Germans falling over backwards//   

       Left off the Koenigswinter Conference guest list yet again, [8th]?
pertinax, Sep 23 2014
  

       We didn't want to go anyway. But it would have been nice to have the opportunity to decline. Sniff.
8th of 7, Sep 23 2014
  

       It was pants. The standard of canapés continues to fall year by year. As always, they ply you with endless champagne in the hopes that you won't notice, but frankly their catering needs a complete revision.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 02 2014
  

       Develop an all terrain Bananaboni, and you could "Follow the yellow buttered and banana-ed road."   

       Come on Dorothy whata ya got to lose ?
popbottle, Feb 04 2017
  

       Your balance ?
8th of 7, Feb 04 2017
  

       Interestingly, the whole 'slipping on a banana skin' thing is a product of the film era, and prior to that, cartoons. It is a formalised polite form of what it really denotes - a person slipping over on dogshit (or any shit, really). Slipping on shit is not acceptable for portraying in mass media, so the shorthand substitute of a banana skin is used in place, giving rise to the quaint perspective that there were an awful lot of banana skins lying around on the streets back then.
Ian Tindale, Feb 05 2017
  
      
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