h a l f b a k e r y
Baker Street Irregulars
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The rivalry between these two animals taken to the next
Both are seated at their podiums that are equipped with
"translation" buttons. The issues are simplified into
languages that cats or dogs can understand. The
is posed in the form of a treat being offered or not
If the animal hits the "Dispense treat" button,
they've answered in the affirmative.
So a typical translation might be "Should the U.S. not
trade sanctions on other countries that seek to undercut
American manufacturers if those countries (through
proxy donors) are financial contributors to
your campaign?" The answer to this question is simplified
as "Do you want a treat?" YES or NO?
Next question: "Should we have open borders that will
assist your party by swelling the voter rolls in your favor
and lower wages paid to unskilled workers making you
other upper class cats/dogs like you richer?" ("Do you
a treat?" YES or NO?)
Further, this idea could be modified for human debates
that there could be a sign above the politician showing a
number and ringing a cash register sound when that
politician extols the virtue of various plans they support.
"I completely support drug companies right to pay
to prescribe highly addictive opioids that have no success
at all in treating long term pain issues!" (sign above
debator) KA-CHING! "$175,000 CAMPAIGN DONATION!"
Debates are an important way to work out the problems
society faces. This would make them more fun. Plus dogs
and cats are cuter than humans and you could even dress
up in little suits and ties.
||The cats would boycott out of lack of interest.
||We like making little neckties for cats; we use only the very best quality hemp rope (actually, thick cord), and each necktie comes with a handcrafted oak gibbet with certificate of authenticity.
||We like having debates about whether dogs (which are
delicious in the Orient) could provide future food security
for America. The debate can centre around which breed of
dog has the most meat, and which is tastiest compared to
|| I'd say dachshunds are pretty much exempt from
becoming food security, due to their ridiculously
miniaturised size, and their penchant for eating anything
including things even a goat wouldn't touch. They might
make good sausages, if it wasn't for all the bones...But
they're notoriously tricky to breed, owing to their notorious
gender orientation issues, as well as species confusion.
(Half the time, they don't know whether they're dogs or
cats). I'd elaborate on this point, but there is a dachsie-
cross-jack russell -or dasch-russell, if you prefer- trying to
weasel it's way between me and my ipad at this moment,
so I desist. I'm tempted to bite her, or give her a tight
smack accross her chops, but her exaggerated squeals
would alert her owners, who invariably blame ME every
time one of her misdemeanours results in such a tiff with
her - the little bitch!
Ok, she's gone...I'll elaborate after all. How Dachsies can
they are cats is a mystery to me, as they have no sense of
balance or poise, and no idea of how to clean themselves,
except for their most intimate parts, which they do
incessantly, much to the disgust of felines everywhere.
||Saint Bernards look like a good choice for bulk and
tenderness, while Pitbull flesh would probably make an
excellent pulled-pork substitute for schwarmas at pool
parties. I imagine Rottweilers would provide good loin and
rump steaks, while Bull Terriers would provide excellent
biltong, or beef jerky substitute...
Chow tongue, with it's exotic purple colouring, could make
a suitable form of sushi substitute, while labrador tongues
might be a good source of ox-tongue-like steaks.
(Dachshund tongues, with their pathetic size, would just
not cut it in this department, and besides, as I said before,
they use them only to clean their fannies and willies, so
they'd have to be bleached and sterilised to be fit for
consumption by any living organism besides amoeba and
||Dobermans, on the other paw, would be great for on-the-
bone roasts and spit-braai's...
||mmmm...doggone it I'm