h a l f b a k e r y
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People have been attaching wheels to everyday objects
thousands of years. Cars and buses are conspicuous
examples, before, they were just needlessly expensive
metal huts. In the absence of wheels, skateboarding was just standing, in hats.
It took an amazing amount of time to add wheels
suitcases, we'd mastered cocktail umbrellas, music, gin
and supersonic flight before someone had that bright
It was staring us in the face the whole time.. I mean,
take the case out of the wheeled box, carry it for a bit,
then put it on a plane, WHICH HAS WHEELS
Anyway, Occam's razor suggests that wheeled suitcases
were brutally suppressed by the notoriously ruthless Bell
Hop network. Their motives are obvious. Wheels are,
however, obnoxious tiny little things that go
whenever they're dragged over anything rougher than a
billiard table*. Some have the bare-faced
cheek to make annoying noises even in perfect
Anyhow, enough faffing about. An Ekranoplan is
essentially a VERY low flying aircraft that can get away
small wings by exploiting the additional lift available in
close proximity to the ground, small efficiency gains may
be had by having these smaller wings. They do have
disadvantages: they can't fly where there's objects,
houses, waves that sort of thing and they require
tremendous power to get them airborne in the first
If we make Ekranoplan luggage, we neatly sidestep
disadvantages. Firstly, in the luggage habitat, lets call it
the luggosphere** there are very few things. Airports are
almost completely smooth. They have escalators that
are completely flat, imagine that! Even the occasional
small step has a
zig-zag ramp next to it, exploited mercilessly by the
wheelchair bound. It's the perfect ekranoplan
environment. Secondly, the power thing. Humans are, to
all intents and purposes, overpowered. I, in theory, can
run, for example. I have way too much power for simply
walking. Now, maybe we could use a little bit of that
power to get the ekranoplan going, and then reap the
efficiency benefits down the road. Planning,
forethought, learnt that in Malaya.
The real benefit: you can't stop. Well, you can, but it's a
bit of a pain to get going again. So this will discourage
casual stoppers. No one likes a stopper. Stopping should
not be allowed. As soon as we invent the moving-
mounted urinals we can ban it.
So, luggage, handle, small fold out wings on a button-
released spring loaded mechanism.
*luggage is prohibited in the billiard room, infractions
result in membership termination.
** if this doesn't get me headhunted by Samsonite,
||/ As soon as we invent the moving- walkway mounted urinals /
||You will also need moving plumbers to fix same.
||You could daisychain the luggage and tow behind the
airplane to increase the plane's carrying space.
||// I, in theory, can run, for example. //
||We will pay a dollar to watch that.
||That'll be a tough challenge - plumbers do move, but only at speeds approximating to those of continental drift.
||Bun [+] Two buns if it's nuclear powered.
||//plumbers do move, but only at speeds approximating to
those of continental drift.//
||Not true. The suggestion of a lunchtime pint from Kev the
plasterer elicits tremendous velocities, or evaporation,
hard to tell.
||Planes; yes yes, carry on withthat.
But the preamble on wheels: it occurs to me that application of the Baconian methods might have been good. If appropriately sized wheels had been put on everything, one thing at a time, the improvement conferred to the suitcase would have been obvious.
||By everything I do not mean every single thing in the universe but one of each type of thing.
||There may be other items improved by wheels and this endeavor will reveal which they are.
||Also, once one of every type of thing is handy, it would not be hard to test out other attachments: flashing lights, lanyards, fur, etc.