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Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman Retirement Homes

This is no joke.
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Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen have been teaming up and walking into pubs for at least 150 years. Invariably, their entrance results in much hilarity and merriment. These dedicated trios have helped to forge the careers of untold thousands of comedians and gag writers, and provided much-needed amusement for millions of ordinary people whose lives would otherwise be the poorer.

But what becomes of these heroic, self-effacing international collectives? Gradually, they cease to be quite as amusing. Their livers start to fail, their perpetual drinking starts to take its toll and, one by one (or, rather, three by three), they find themselves pushed aside, excluded from mainstream comedy, regarded with pity by the stars of more contemporary jokes.

Where are they now? How does the Irishman feed his now elderly three-legged pig? Can the Scotsman still afford to hire a fishing boat on a regular basis? Can the Englishman still manage to feed and clothe his six-inch pianist? Nobody cares - they have fallen between the cracks in the comedy stage.

It is time something was done.

So.

MaxKare Inc. is committed to the opening of a series of Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman Retirement Homes across the land. Each home will provide all of the usual care and nursing facilities, heavily subsidised.

Only bona-fide Englishman/Irishman/Scotsman trios are admitted. Each trio must be able to provide evidence of having spent a significant period of time together, and of having made a living by walking into pubs over a period of at least 20 years. Pets are, of course, welcomed.

Each EIS-Retirement Home is equipped with a well-stocked bar, staffed by both a ruddy-cheeked barman and a buxom barmaid. Non-alcoholic versions of all popular drinks are stocked, and may be served discreetly to those residents whose livers are no longer what they were, without shame or embarrassment. A full range of comedy props is maintained, and can be supplemented according to the special requirements of each resident trio.

When the sad time comes where one member of a trio passes away, a card-filing-based database, maintained jointly by all EIS- Retirement Homes, is used to replace the missing individual with another of the same nationality. All residents register themselves as either butt, straight-man or punchline-artist, and are encouraged to maintain these roles in their new trios wherever possible.

In this way, lives are pulled back from brink of desititution, and the companionship and mutual support of these traditional comedy trios is maintained.

Remember, there is nothing sadder than the site of a lone Scotsman walking into a pub.

MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 09 2010

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       [MaxB], you had me until I got to "heavily subsidized." Subsidized by whom? What about the plight of aging, short, left handed, freckle faced welders? The whole idea of heaping one more burden onto tax payers is creeping me out. Could you make this self sustaining? Perhaps turn them into elderly comedy clubs? I sense windfall profit potential here...
Grogster, Oct 09 2010
  

       Aging members of comedy double acts whose partners have died might support themselves with locum tenens work at these establishments. Provided they can do the accents.
mouseposture, Oct 09 2010
  

       //Remember, there is nothing sadder than the site of a lone Scotsman walking into a pub.//   

       Except a lone Scotsman without a pub to walk into.
doctorremulac3, Oct 09 2010
  

       Or a pub without a single Scotsman in it. [+]
Boomershine, Oct 09 2010
  

       [Boomershine] Oh, it's not so bad. Not all married Scotsmen are averse to a little extramarital fling.
mouseposture, Oct 09 2010
  

       //you had me until I got to "heavily subsidized." Subsidized by whom?//   

       I am happy to report that the profits accruing from the Welsh National Peltier are being used to support the Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman Retirement Home Scheme.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 09 2010
  

       [mouse] Not really interested, but thanks for the tip.
Boomershine, Oct 09 2010
  

       I picture whole communities of Polish, several ladders, and not a working light bulb in the whole place.
RayfordSteele, Oct 09 2010
  

       //...the profits accruing from the Welsh National Peltier are being used to support...//   

       Alrighty then [MaxB], bun. [+]
Grogster, Oct 09 2010
  

       Hey, this opens the door for a whole new genre of 'An Englishmen, an Irishmen and a Scotsmen walk into a retirement home...' gags.   

       An Englishmen, an Irishmen and a Scotsmen walk into a retirement home. The Irishman notices a light bulb burnt out......is it dinner time?
Boomershine, Oct 09 2010
  

       An Englishmen, an Irishmen and a Scotsmen walk into a retirement home. Fookin' invisibility paint gets 'em, every time.
infidel, Oct 09 2010
  

       [infidel] At least mine wasn't supposed to be funny.
Boomershine, Oct 09 2010
  

       Sorry, couldn't resist.   

       I didn't want to do the one about the Scottish dwarf and the 3ft 6in prick.
infidel, Oct 09 2010
  

       Two pieces of yttrium-barium- copper oxide walk into a really cold pub. One of them turns to the other and says "My mother in law is so ugly, she doesn't use Immac, she uses Agent Orange."
"That's an awful joke!" says the other.
"Sorry", says the first one, "I couldn't resist."
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 09 2010
  

       Super!
Ian Tindale, Oct 09 2010
  

       The other one's father is a part-time conductor.
infidel, Oct 09 2010
  

       Ah, the chain of retirement homes might be known as "Rue Britannia"...
jurist, Oct 10 2010
  

       //the site of a lone Scotsman walking into a pub. //   

       Yep, that would be a pretty sad place.
infidel, Oct 10 2010
  

       Ah, yep, yeah, glad you, ah, spotted that one.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 10 2010
  

       // "Rue Britannia" //   

       Rue Britannia,   

       Britannia rues the day   

       English, Irish, Scotsman jokes ever went away.
baconbrain, Oct 10 2010
  

       //Britannia rues the day   

       English, Irish, Scotsman jokes ever went away.//   

       If only they ever had.
Boomershine, Oct 10 2010
  

       I'd vote for an Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman drowning pool.
xenzag, Oct 10 2010
  

       Och, I don't know about this. There are demerits, specifically that this ersatz Royal Chelsea Hospital might end up exacerbating the nationalism that is endemic in the decrepit, becoming not a cosy facility for Old Joke Containment but instead a hotbed of petty antagonism - electric blanket cables cut, gruel knocked to the floor, Wether's Originals half-inched, the wrappers left in tell-tale piles next to the commode - all eventually boiling over into a full-scale three-way internecine battle, frail and frenzied warcries, zimmers locked like antlers, false teeth skittering over the lino of the day room.
calum, Oct 11 2010
  

       //full-scale three-way internecine battle, frail and frenzied warcries, zimmers locked like antlers, false teeth skittering over the lino of the day room.//   

       ..and the demerits of which you spoke?
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 11 2010
  

       //zimmers locked like antlers// A beautifull image that.   

       I see MaxKare Inc branching out into other comedic homes caring for Priests, Rabbis and Immams, Engineers, Mathematicians, and Physicists, and a special one reserved exclusively for Steve Jobs and Bill Gates.
zen_tom, Oct 11 2010
  

       Possibly a pub/stables for horses etc.
Jinbish, Oct 11 2010
  

       You lot aren't taking this seriously, I can tell.
MaxwellBuchanan, Oct 11 2010
  

       //You lot aren't taking this seriously, I can tell.//
"You had me at YBCO..."
Jinbish, Oct 11 2010
  
      
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