Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
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France Bypass

Carefully walled off highways stretching from a major channel port to Spain/Germany
  [vote for,

Since retirement, my parents have become migratory creatures. When the days start getting a little shorter and the daily risk of rain goes from "probable" to "inevitable" they pack up a motorized house and head to the coast of Spain/Portugal. In this way, they can continue their daily activities of getting up obscenely early, watching British TV, drinking tea, commenting on the weather and getting half way through a crossword before falling asleep in a lawn chair because of the obscenely early start. It appears many of these migratory British settle into colonies to enjoy the benefits of bulk buying brown sauce and the communal pool of Danielle Steel novels. They interact with the Spanish/Portuguese in the time honored way, infrequently and with stoic use of loud English. This is all very tolerable.

Now, the problem. These people, veterans, hardened tax payers and career low level benefit fraudsters that they are, bring much needed business to the coasts of Portugal and Spain during the off season. To get there, they must travel individually or in small groups THROUGH FRANCE. Eventually, like tired antelope they must stop for fuel, water or to attend to a prostate-related issue... then BOOM! they are exposed to a hole-in-the-ground toilet, a little restaurant with a family drinking excellent wine while their children voluntarily wolf down oysters. To the average British pensioner this is nothing short of tactical deployment of weaponized culture.

I propose a fully enclosed highway from whichever channel port is doing the best ferry deals, or enables them to stop off at Steve & June's place, to the Spanish border. Within this structure, you may drive, on the left, from an overpriced little chef to one of those really-quite- reasonable M&S service stations or if you hold on there might be a Sainsbury's... all while unmolested by French culture.

I suspect that this would be so popular that a branch-line to Germany may be required.

bs0u0155, Aug 03 2014

Ferries from Portsmouth to Spain http://www.brittany...in/portsmouth-spain
[hippo, Aug 04 2014]

Spanish north Europe colonies http://en.wikipedia...Spanish_Netherlands
[not_morrison_rm, Aug 06 2014]


       Excellent [+]   

       Sp. "france" or "arrogant smelly obnoxious foreign bastards"
8th of 7, Aug 04 2014

       A bypass is undercooking it. What we need is a superaccellerator built from the midlands to south coast of England, ending in a ramp large enough to send the motorhomes in a graceful arc high over French airspace, windows frosting in the stratospheric chill, falling now towards the earth, rear bumper scraping on a Pyrenee before making a graceful bellyflop in a mud churned piggery field. Next to a Sainsbury's.
calum, Aug 04 2014

       //from the midlands to south coast of England//   

       Sort of an M6 Toll extension? I consider the old Birmingham bypass a successful feasibility study for my idea.
bs0u0155, Aug 04 2014

       Probably best to phone the Germans and say" Sorry, as you were … bit of a mixed signal in 1944, there, just go ahead and concrete over the entire country, we're not bothered, oh by the way can you include belgium in that ?"   

       Within a decade, there'd be nothing between Lille and Marseilles but a smooth, shining autobahn, punctuated by airfields and high- speed train lines.
8th of 7, Aug 04 2014

       I have plans for Belgium. I plan to hold it in reserve. Whenever an international emergency develops, think Balkans/Rwanda/Crimea whatever... Belgium will be deployed. By flooding the emergency area with a population of educated, bureaucratic and slightly dull people I think it will dilute the situation immeasurably. After all, no one wants the negative PR that come of firing an RPG at a 500 year old brewery, and anyone that interrupts the supply of Chimay will surely reap an international whirlwind?
bs0u0155, Aug 04 2014

       May I volunteer some places in England for the bypass treatment? Some bypasses ought to be bypassed, too.
Ling, Aug 04 2014

       It's amazing really, the opportunity was there. While digging the Channel Tunnel, why didn't they just carry on?   

       Although my Mum will have nothing to do with underwater trains.
bs0u0155, Aug 04 2014

       What a dull family you must have.
8th of 7, Aug 04 2014

       You mention going on the Channel Tunnel or the unmentionable Santander ferry to my mum, and you'll wish your life was dull.
bs0u0155, Aug 04 2014

       Help for the geographically-challenged Yankee, please. Diagrams welcome. I am trying to picture Euro in my head. I am aware that most of it is in a clump, and England is off to the side with water around. But the clump part - there is only one way on? I thought the Spanish Armada started in Spain then washed up on Irish shores and fathered the Black Irish, or something of the sort. Take their route in reverse, maybe? Washing up / fathering bits optional. Not clear to me if Irishland is in between but if so, less worries about the excellent wine.
bungston, Aug 05 2014

       To be fair, a car ferry exposed to the autumnal Atlantic is no fun
bs0u0155, Aug 05 2014

       This could be a new type of surgery. Doctors doing bypass surgery wearing berets! (drinking wine, drawing the Eiffel tower in blood, and making quiche with your left-over body parts.)
xandram, Aug 05 2014

       Im sure the french government would be happy to fund this. Even gerard depardiu will get behind it.
bob, Aug 06 2014

       //I thought the Spanish Armada started in Spain then washed up on Irish shores and fathered the Black Irish,   

       Yes, that's absolutely correct (reaches surreptitiously for the tranquilliser dart gun and large butterfly net).   

       This is probably not the point to mention than Belgium and Luxembourg were part of Spain once, kind of sort of. C link.
not_morrison_rm, Aug 06 2014

       In the USA, there are bus trips to satisfy this desire to stay culturally isolated.   

       The old folks pile into a bus, head out to a casino 4 hours away, and have a cocoon in the bus, with bathrooms, & even wifi now.
sophocles, Aug 06 2014


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