Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Hearing Aids for the Tone Deaf

From discordant vocal cords to perfect pitch
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Don’t you just hate it when you hear one on the bus or train in the walkman headphones that go, “bzzzz bz bz bz bz bzzzz?” The eyes are closed, the head rocks from side to side like Stevie Wonder and from the mouth comes, “Ooops, I did it agaaain…da daa da daaa ” in an out-of–pitch zombie voice. Enter tone deaf hearing aids: the present version is like the aforementioned headphones but includes microphones to intercept the wearer’s malformed melody. This faulty, incoming signal causes corresponding pitch changes to the music being played. Thus if the wearer is “singing” a tone flat compared to the music, the music’s pitch of that tone is raised by the same amount. The music’s sharper tone entering the ear, causes the wearer to raise the pitch and sing the tone in key. This is accomplished instantly tone by tone, resulting in oral/aural ecstasy.

The next version can be inserted in the ears, enabling a fascinating opera or country music career.

FarmerJohn, Jun 01 2002

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       I thought these would be for the unfortunate listeners. I don't like this version as much 'cuz I don't think it would work.
phoenix, Jun 02 2002
  

       We could just use that fancy noise-cancelling hardware we developed for the anti-sentence completor and not hear a thing. Even if people managed to sing on-key, most still don't have much of a singing voice. But croissant anyway for originality in approach.   

       // fascinating country music career //   

       Now there's a phrase you don't hear everyday...
RayfordSteele, Jun 02 2002
  

       I thought these would be for the unfortunate listeners. I don't like this version as much 'cuz I don't think it would work.
phoenix, Jun 02 2002
  
      
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