Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
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If/2

  (+17)(+17)
(+17)
  [vote for,
against]

If you can keep your head when all about you,
Are posting treadmill-dynamo ideas,
If you can trust your elf when all men doubt you,
If you can get your brain out of first gear.
If you can spell and punctuate precisely,
And find your keyboard's 'Shift' key (sorry, [po]).
If you can grammar right, and write concisely*,
(*Allowance must be made for [Vernon], though.)

If you have read the 'Help' file and absorbed it;
If you eschew all recipes and lists;
If you can deal with trebuchets and orbits,
And all the forms of custard that exist;
If you can estimate the thermal masses,
Of cows, bananas, asteroids and peas;
If you can tell that swimming in molasses
Will be about as fast as in the sea.

If you can brew and drink TWO cups of coffee;
If you can build an orrery from cheese;
Or estimate the tensile strength of toffee,
And how to fill a banjo-leg with bees;
If you can choose a category fitting,
Nor post in "Other: general" too much;
If you can show that you have wits worth pitting,
Nor fall within the autoboner's clutch.

If you take time - before you post! - to Google,
To see if something's well-known-to-exist,
And tell your centripetal from your -fugal,
And think of posting "Snowglobes" - but resist.
If you can not resort to GM Magic,
Nor treat the laws of Newton with contempt,
And know that laws of physics aren't elastic,
And that no-one (even [Vernon]) is exempt.

If you can bun, but not make buns your master,
If you can bone but, being boned, not flinch,
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
(or just disaster, really, at a pinch),
If you can fill the unforgiving minute,
With one or more completely awful puns,
Yours is the 'Bakery and all that's in it.
Come in, pull up a chair and have a bun.

MaxwellBuchanan, May 21 2015

HalfBakery "If" HalfBakery_20_22If_22
A plodding imitation is in its own wy a tribute ... [8th of 7, May 22 2015]

[link]






       Great job, MB, great job indeedy.
blissmiss, May 21 2015
  

       If you can write a blog With cool stuff that is hard to find Detailing Victorian inventions that are not fake Like cables to slide baskets with messages And string can telephones used to run stock markets And planes flying by wire with electrical motors Then I will read it, and rejoice.
bungston, May 21 2015
  

       Excellent - should be recited annually by a Skype'ed choir of Halfbakers
hippo, May 22 2015
  

       A quite wonderful addition - thankyou [+]
zen_tom, May 22 2015
  

       <cough>   

       <points at link>   

       <Special Paddington Hard Stare>
8th of 7, May 22 2015
  

       Oh dear. I can only concede to [8th]'s prior art.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 22 2015
  

       Actually, I think conceding to [8th]'s prior art has been done before.
hippo, May 22 2015
  

       Cave drawings were prior art to the Mona Lisa as well. But...
RayfordSteele, May 22 2015
  

       If it's the only idea posted before your last session, then go ahead and give the guy a bun! + I made it 2 for you.
xandram, May 22 2015
  

       Doughsiderata [+] Prior art, sure. But the title acknowledges, so no harm, no foul.   

       I've been absent for a few years (about eight?). Nice to see so many of the Ancient Bakers still here.
sofacrat, May 22 2015
  

       Rime of the ancient marinator.
sofacrat, May 22 2015
  

       Welcome back, [sofa]! Yes, many of those here are not due for release until they no longer pose a threat to society.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 23 2015
  

       Who you calling crazy.Who you calling old? Who you calling?
blissmiss, May 23 2015
  

       Ghostbusters?
MaxwellBuchanan, May 23 2015
  

       [MaxwellBuchanan]; Ghostbusters is "who you gonna call?" (future), not "who you calling?" (present). But nice poetry, all the same.
neutrinos_shadow, May 24 2015
  

       Ghostbusters were who people were going to call in 1984. If they're not calling them by now, it shows a terrible degree of procrastination.
MaxwellBuchanan, May 24 2015
  

       Ghostbakers, maybe.   

       Looks like I need to reboot the flux capacitator on that DeLorean wheelchair.
sofacrat, May 24 2015
  

       class="brainspasm"   

       [him]: "I am the GhostBaker"; // kneading his hands   

       [her]: "I am the DoughKeeper"; // batt(er)ing her eyelashes
sofacrat, May 24 2015
  
      
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