Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Inquisition Mail Sorter

Dante's Mailbox
  (+13, -4)(+13, -4)
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Here in America, junk mail is an uholy curse on our nation. Other countries, I understand, can request not to recieve mail, or opt out of it somehow. In America, postmasters vow that neither rain nor sleet nor war nor peace shall keep them from delivering a fat wad of cheap advertisments that I'll never look at to my mailbox every day. This is what pays the rent for the post office, but I don't want any of it.

Tucked inside this huge pile of dead trees there are one or two letters actually addressed to me. These tend to be bills, which I am not too particular about either. Honestly, all of these are abhorrent, and anathema to me.

The Holy Inquisition, as held in Spain, and other nations had a similar problem with unwanted documents. They had too many books, and soon discovered that by dropping the books one by one into a fire, the unholy books would be instantly drawn to the fires as of hell, while the holy texts would be wafted on the wings of the angels free of the tormenting flames.

Thus, I need only install a gas-powered incenerator to my mailbox stand, and place a letter slot on both ends of the mailbox. Now, when that servant of satan the letter carrier delivers my mail, the closing of the door starts the incenerator.

Those wicked and vile mailers are drawn down towards satan's own, and burn in the fires as of hell, while the holy writ destined to reach my eyes rise up on the billowing smoke, rescued as by the angels. These lettes are wafted out the second letter slot and drawn across the yard to land safely at my doorstep.

Incorrectly addressed letters destined for the eyes of man will be similarly saved, being wafted out the front letter slot, into the postman's hand, with a slight char mark reading "Incorrect address."

Divine intervention is a beautiful thing, isn't it?

ye_river_xiv, Jul 31 2006

[link]






       I didn't expect ...
pertinax, Jul 31 2006
  

       ...no-one does.   

       So this idea works on 2 main principles? Divine intervention, fire, and RFID...3! 3 main principles!   

       Divine intervention, fire, RFID and electronics...
zen_tom, Jul 31 2006
  

       Lovely idea. Now, if I can read my mail sitting in a comfy chair...   

       Aaargh! Not...The Comfy Chair!
Frankx, Jul 31 2006
  

       [deleted last paragraph from idea] //Future versions can include smart RFID sorting systems, so that mature homeowners can still recieve penthouse and esquire magazines through the mail... but I must not speak of RFID technology. I am not allowed to resort to such cheap solutions as the magic RFID.//   

       <Whistles nonchalantly> RFID? That's not part of my idea. RFID is magic. [link] Can't use that. Divine Intervention is more in keeping with the natural laws of physics.
ye_river_xiv, Jul 31 2006
  

       You might be able to give divine intervention a helping hand if your device could readily distinguish the high-gloss, multi-coloured, hard-to-recycle paper used in junk mailings from the lighter-weight (and chemically simpler?) paper used by the kind of real people you want to hear from.   

       Fire should still be involved, though.
pertinax, Aug 01 2006
  

       I would be a calmer person knowing that my front door was incinerating personal loan offers every day.
wagster, Aug 01 2006
  

       Burning trees is not good for the environment. Better stop it at the source.
rrr, Apr 22 2007
  

       It is a rather spiteful idea.   

       Then again, I'm not always such a nice guy either.
ye_river_xiv, Apr 22 2007
  

       What about take-out menus? I don't believe they are holy, but they still are very important...
ColonelMuffins, Apr 23 2007
  

       I've never seen take out menus in my mail box. However, you are in luck today, because divine intervention is a truely discriminating sorter of menus.   

       If it's another dammed ad from that place you never go to, then they are of course sucked down to the fires that dieth not.   

       If on the other hand, they are from a restaurant you eat from, then the Lord will bless their food (and menu) to your strength, and your hands to his service.   

       Note that individual results vary greatly depending on piety, faith, and religious affiliation. For true believers it is 100% effective until bill collectors start coming around.
ye_river_xiv, Apr 26 2007
  
      
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