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Liz Takes Command

The Queen should be coach to the England football team.
  (+8, -4)
(+8, -4)
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Everyone knows that, in England, football is the national religion. More people crowd into football grounds every weekend than ever see the inside of a church. It seems clear therefore, that as head of the Church, it should be the Queen sitting on the England bench during the forthcoming World Cup and not Svedish Sven (with his corrupt morals and entourage of loose women). Clearly she thinks so too, having taken a very public interest in our latest religious icon.*

Imagine the stirring team talks she could give 'our boys' and the terrible punishments that she could mete out to those who let down their country.

As a fervent anti-royalist, I've campaigned for years to get rid of her but, if she were to spend her time pacing the touchline, wearing her headscarf and chain-smoking, and screaming 'Orfside!' every time some despicable foreigner came within sniffing distance of our penalty area, then even I would have to grudgingly allow her to remain on the civil list.

*Beckham's foot.

DrBob, May 07 2002

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       WHAT has happened to her accent lately? No, keep to your cricket Bob, Sven is our man, for the Cup. England! England! Ennnngglaaand!
po, May 07 2002
  

       Hey, seeing as they have fingers in every pie, which of the royals is most likely to be a half-baker. my money is on Philip.
po, May 07 2002
  

       Raptus regaliter
yamahito, May 07 2002
  

       They probably pay someone to half-bake for them.
DrBob, May 07 2002
  

       minimum wage too
po, May 07 2002
  

       minimum wage would pay for two half bakers..
yamahito, May 07 2002
  

       oh don't confuse me at this hour, yamahito. Oh I see very funny.
po, May 07 2002
  

       It's pronounced "Ing-er-land!" [po] - and you need to be staggering when you shout it.
mcscotland, May 07 2002
  

       What's happened with her accent lately? Has she gone cockney?
thumbwax, May 08 2002
  

       what a state of affairs when I am taking elocution lessons from a scot! She has gone somewhat down market all of a sudden. PR thing in my opinion.
po, May 08 2002
  

       She's obviously been replaced by a double in a "Prince and the Pauper" style. The real queen is living in a former council house in East London.
pottedstu, May 08 2002
  

       How thou, now cow?
thumbwax, May 08 2002
  

       You think we'll let that lie [blissmiss]? Oh dear...
mcscotland, May 08 2002
  

       bLIZmiss?
yamahito, May 08 2002
  

       Fight! FIght! Fight! Fight!
CasaLoco, May 08 2002
  

       If the Queen has had a change in tone (of voice) since her Mum died, it may be an example of her finally starting to relax without Mum around. Happened with an Uncle of mine when his Mother died as his voice went from a tense nasal to relaxed tone.
thumbwax, May 08 2002
  

       I like this idea. I can picture our wonderful monarch chain smoking as well which is even better.
kaz, May 08 2002
  

       quite a notion, thumb. my dad started drinking and swearing and enjoying himself - come to think of it! I hope I do not inhibit my sons at all.
po, May 08 2002
  

       // ... wearing her headscarf and chain-smoking, and screaming 'Orfside!' every time some despicable foreigner came within sniffing distance ... //   

       This would certainly make the Christmas messages more interesting too.
waugsqueke, May 09 2002
  

       You silly Brits... sounds like a great idea from my American perspective. Won't be any problem for us to win then. Heck, maybe your players hate her so much they'll help the opponents win just to spite her. Oh, but wait... you mean that sport called soccer, not real football <g>.   

       Concerning national leaders caught cheating on their wives, I really preferred Bill Clinton to Prince Chucky. But please, let him have the throne long enough to get his head on all the coins-- coin collecting has been pretty dull of late.
ThotMouser, May 18 2002
  

       Now that that terribly common oik, McClaren, has been dumped I feel that this is an idea whose time has come.
DrBob, Nov 22 2007
  

       I don't think she should be the coach, we should have proper, old-school side-boarded welsh infantry drill sergeants (I'm essentially thinking along Zulu/Windsor Davies lines here), wearing the rather natty uniform of the British army in the late 1800's and sporting a Peabody-Martini-Henry rifle - marching the players up and down, shouting abuse, and occasionally actually firing at them, until such time as they get reasonably good at football.   

       The Queen could still be utilised, positioned way up high on some kind of regal scaffold, and occasionally seen to wave encouragingly from aloft.
zen_tom, Nov 22 2007
  

       Can we assume she'd pick England over Germany for the coaching and pinning?
vincevincevince, Nov 23 2007
  

       This makes a lot of sense. We should also make the job a hereditary title to be inherited like a peerage. This would eliminate the FA's haphazard searching process and give us some certainty.
DenholmRicshaw, Nov 24 2007
  

       I think they prefer the Eton Wall Game.
simonj, Nov 24 2007
  

       You mean she doesn't have to already? Outrageous.
johnbakersmon, Aug 29 2008
  

       On a purely objective level, I'm sure that this is the best idea I've ever had. Every four years or so I have the perfect excuse to bump it back on to the 'recent' list. And this year, with the FA looking around in dazed bemusement for yet another replacement manager, with the Diamond Jubilee to enthuse the nation and with a major tournament in the offing during the summer, I can't think of a more appropriate time for it to be implemented. God Save the Queen!
DrBob, Mar 13 2012
  

       It's a win-win situation - she would be unable to do any worse that any of the last half-dozen England managers.
hippo, Mar 13 2012
  

       Running the England managership on the hereditary principle would have huge environmental and ecological advantages. All tabloid newspapers would be up to 25% thinner, as the back pages currently used for feverish speculation on the eagerly anticipated upcoming change of managership would no longer be required.   

       In the same way that the eldest son of the monarch automatically becomes Prince of Wales, perhaps the post of England Manager could automatically pass to the second in line to the throne - according to the newspapers, that would actually be the more important post.
8th of 7, Mar 13 2012
  

       This is of course a probable consequence of my monarchist arcology plaaaaan.
nineteenthly, Mar 13 2012
  

       You Anglican Footballist bastards are infringing upon my religious rights. Down the British! Up the Colonies! Prepare to taste Stanley Cup justice!
Alterother, Mar 13 2012
  
      
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