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No one that I work with likes stopping to attend meetings.
they go on twice as long as they should, and someone hogs the
agenda. Lumberjack Meeting Rules solves this problem, but
prior investment in an item of apparatus.
The apparatus is simple, consisting of
a row of parallel rough
logs set into a frame with an electric motor driving a chain which
causes the logs to rotate. The motor interfaces with a simple
controller, with a set of connected remotes available for each meeting
Now when anyone wants to address the meeting, they have to
on the logs, which begin to gently (at first) rotate in a measured
predictable manner. The person speaking must move their
in a continuous walking fashion, just as a good lumberjack does
traversing logs on water. (Note this is a bit dangerous so health
warnings are in place)
If they start to monopolise the proceedings, or people don't like
what they are saying, they can express themselves by pressing one
the buttons on their individual controller. This will cause the logs
speed up, or reciprocate between forward and reverse motion. To
democratise this, the majority of the attendees have to press
controllers in concert, with any dissenting voices acting as
Regardless of the input of the other meeting attendees, the machine will
up on its own anyway, causing the person on it to become
Eventually they will simply be flung off by the staccato
of the rollers. These durations are preset at the outset of the
Wearing of full lumberjack attire is required for all meetings.
Wheelchair friendly devices are also available.
Deluxe version comes complete with water trough.
[normzone, Sep 28 2017]
||<bun withheld pending inclusion of running chainsaws in idea>
||Real lumberjacks only use axes.
||//Wearing of full lumberjack attire is required for
all meetings. // - "...high heels, suspenders and a
//Wheelchair friendly devices are also available. //
- I'm not sure why; balancing on rotating logs might
be easier with a wheelchair
||And here I thought that if they went on too long, you'd simply
cut their legs off.
||Have the meeting on the conveyor belt at the sawmill.
||Strap everyone down. When the meeting's over, you can shut
off the machine. Whomever is speaking gets to sit nearest the
||I am a pacifist so I suggest "strip meeting" instead, where everytime the speaker lacks adequacy you take off an item of clothing. This puts ogling in competition with meeting content. Think of the fascinating meetings!
||Most humans look very bad without garments...
||[beanangel], you live near the Pacific ocean?
||Proper meeting management is a pet peeve of mine.
||Previously distributed agendas, somebody keeping the meeting on topic and riding herd on the troublemakers, all the other rules and tactics. I pride myself on completing my meetings early as often as possible, and cutting them short when people begin to tire.
||// cutting them short when people begin to tire. //
||Indeed. We reccommend a katana, or an Arabian scimitar.
||Ah .... similar to " Get Jiro " (link).
||//similar// pity the word doesn't have a depth rating. Sharp and very thin connection.
||Probably anything that compacts the productivity of meetings into a small space-time, will benefit the earth.