Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
The word "How?" springs to mind at this point.

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Morning enemalarm

A sure remedy for the shakes
(+10, -10)
  [vote for,

Some of us, who have been tipping the bottle a bit too regularly, find it difficult to get the first mouthful of the day down because of the uncontrollable shaking which makes getting the precious contents of the bottle into the mouth without bashing it against the teeth rather difficult.

Not any longer. The dose for the morning is loaded into the plastic squeezable receptacle and a tube leading from it inserted into the nether orifice leading into the bowels. The clock is then wound up, or the digits entered, whatever.

When the time determined for terminating your period of shut-eye approaches, the bag is gently squeezed, thus letting the contents trickle into your colon and from there directly into your bloodstream. Then, when the blood is sufficiently diluted in your alcohol stream, the bell rings, the buzzer sounds etc and you wake up, refreshed, and able to reach for your morning cup without a trace of the shakes.

neelandan, Nov 27 2008

Sherry enemas http://www.reuters....USN0325982220071003
quite a bad idea [8th of 7, Nov 27 2008]


       But wait a minute! How am I supposed to (actually remember to) insert this apparatus in the evening and what will my date think. Or what will my wife think of my date.. I need a drink.
zeno, Nov 27 2008

       I remember reading a very sad story about an alcoholic who was too ill with food poisoning to keep a drink down, so he took a bottle of whisky as an enema. It killed him.
wagster, Nov 27 2008

       Two things:
You'd have to this very carefully because it can be fatal due to lack of first-pass effect.
Spirits would pickle your innards very quickly, which would hinder absorption, so it wouldn't last long. After that, you'll have to resort to some kind of saline/vodka mix on a drip.
Even a beer enema can intoxicate in quite low doses. I'm teetotal though, so that's not first hand information.
nineteenthly, Nov 27 2008

       // he took a bottle of whisky as an enema. //   

       It was sherry. His wife was charged with assisting a suicide. She wasn't convicted. <link>
8th of 7, Nov 27 2008

       That should be in the Darwin awards.
wagster, Nov 27 2008

       And it is, ranked second highest in 2007. (The incident itself is from 2004.)
jutta, Nov 27 2008

       //The clock is then wound up, or the digits entered// No bloody digits are entering me there, sunshine.
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 27 2008

       doesn't addiction suck.
WcW, Nov 27 2008

       The best idea is to stop drinking.
kamathln, Nov 28 2008

       //bloody digits// -- The display need not be red, they may be green or yellow. I was referring to entering the time into an alarm clock equipped with a digital display in order to set it up to go off at the required time for getting up.   

       //addiction suck// -- indeed it does. But my invention counteracts it with blowing the booze into ya.   

       //The best idea is to stop// -- yes. Shaking.
neelandan, Nov 28 2008

       If this was an automated system for autobooting heroin so the addict can have an uninterrupted binge, or a slow release amphetamine suppository, or a facial compact for discrete cocaine usage we wouldn't treat it kindly but because it's our old friend ethanol, we make jokes. Dark jokes, but jokes none the less. Alcohol is dangerous in both incidental excess and long term abuse. If you have a problem, or think you might have a problem get help. I have seen many in my industry jovially and inventively kill themselves with alcohol.
WcW, Nov 28 2008

       // we make jokes// like "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy"
afinehowdoyoudo, Nov 28 2008

       There is a friend of mine, much older than me, who was in that state in which he had to keep a bottle under his bed to drink so that he could get up and dress himself without tearing his clothes apart.   

       Then, one day, somebody was getting married and he drank himself out cold even before the party started. He says that the snide remarks aimed at him later made him look at himself and decide to stop.   

       So he stopped.   

       He says that he decided that he will stop even if it killed him.   

       This idea was inspired by some annotations to "coffee" which made me think of the tribulations faced by those who go into withdrawal after the brief respite during sleep.   

       I haven't stopped drinking, yet, and haven't gotten addicted, yet. [WcW]: your concern is appreciated.
neelandan, Nov 28 2008

       My name's Mark, and i'm a caffeine addict.   

       I come from a long line of alcoholics. On the male side, my grandfather, great-grandfather and great-great-grandfather all died of alcohol-related illnesses. My father signed the pledge but drinks a little, sensibly. My mother is also an alcoholic, arguably, but doesn't drink now. I'm teetotal because it kills brain cells and i value my intellect, but i have a huge caffeine problem.
When i look at ethanol, caffeine and nicotine, i tend not to make a big distinction between them and heroin, psilocybin, Cannabis, whatever. The difference is quality control, which is more difficult to guarantee with illegal substances. I wouldn't partake of any of them except for caffeine, but i'm also aware of the psychoactive influence of other things i eat which are part of most people's diets. For instance, parsley is high in iron. If you have iron-deficiency anaemia and it's making you depressed, you could call parsley psychoactive. I know someone who trips when she eats chocolate and someone who has acid flashbacks when he has Sichuan pepper.
I'm trying not to be in denial about caffeine and i'll probably die young because of my abuse. In the meantime, the people around me will suffer from my tendency to lose my temper because i continue to abuse my drug of choice. I'm no different from an alcoholic in many ways.
nineteenthly, Nov 28 2008

       Bah - while it is true that an uncontrolled descent into degeneracy can be appealing sometimes, any relief experienced is only ever be superficial and short-lived - if we're truly honest with ourselves - and that's really all that should be necessary to avoid the unpleasantness of addiction, we should be able to side-step the worst of the psychological traps that present themselves.   

       The problem with the kind of honesty and self-knowledge required to safely do this takes a lifetime to achieve, and once grasped, a great deal of effort to maintain - but it is the only real answer to any of these difficult questions.
zen_tom, Nov 28 2008

       One of the reasons alcohol has no allure for me is that it simply defers one's problems until the next day while adding a hangover and the consequences of whatever poorly-judged behaviour in which one engaged the previous night. I'm keen on confronting problems immediately because i procrastinate horribly, and i do either one thing or the other, which is one reason i'm on the HB. So, those of us who are here, are we addictive anyway and is this just one of our addictions? Would that mean we're more likely to engage in gallows humour about addiction because we're all too familiar with it?
Also, Stoicism is the "magic cure for everything" as someone once said over on Anti-Unrequited Love Drug (but not about Stoicism).
nineteenthly, Nov 28 2008

       Thanks [nineteenthly] - I never looked very closely at Stoicism before - what strikes me is the similarity between that, and the bulk of Taoist and Buddist ideas (or at least the ones I'm more interested in) - it's quite spooky really.
zen_tom, Nov 28 2008

       Yes. A lot of the Philosophies in the Hellenic world are remarkably similar to those in South Asia, which are in turn in touch with those in the Far East. Alexander the Great commented on this at some point. Epicureanism and Samkhya are quite similar, and Cynicism is remarkably like Jainism. Aristotle's view of virtue as a happy medium between two vicious extremes is like the Buddhist Middle Way. There's also atomism and other stuff in both places. I actually think the division between Oriental and Western thinking is a bit of a myth.
nineteenthly, Nov 28 2008

       From squirting booze up one's arse to ancient philosophy -- we sure have covered a lot of ground in one idea.
neelandan, Nov 28 2008

       In vino veritas.
nineteenthly, Nov 28 2008

       I sure wish I could say "especially if you put it up your ass" in Latin.
nomocrow, Nov 28 2008

       I am with [nineteenthly] on this including the caffeine addiction. On a similar theme, I just heard an ad for a caffeine pill with an 8 hour delay mechanism. I assume there is a coating that allows temporary survival in stomach acid, etc. and wonder if a similar mechanism could be used for delayed alcohol delivery,
MisterQED, Nov 28 2008

       ...praecipue si per rectum insertitur.
(I think, which is not a particularly marvellous position for someone who spends a couple of hours a week trying to instil it in a group of sprogs.)
[MisterQED], i'm in no way high-tech, but ethanol's a pretty good solvent and i don't know how it could be held in place. Then again, i'm not a pharmacist. It might be as simple as getting a morsel of bread and soaking it in spirits.
Hoc est corpus and all that, what?
nineteenthly, Nov 28 2008


       So this alarm, how is it powered?   

       Will there be a chord to get wrapped up in during the night, or to pull the device loose?   

       Would you care to elaborate (VERY BRIEFLY!) on a hygenic way to remove the bag that's been up your butt all night? I believe it will have a lot of unpleasant materials adhering to it by the morning.
ye_river_xiv, Nov 28 2008

       I am no chemist and I agree that alcohol is a good solvent, but so is stomach acid. If they can buffer asperin so it doesn't disolve in the stomach, then holding alcohol can't be too hard.
MisterQED, Nov 28 2008

       //So this alarm, how is it powered?//   

       It could be powered by clockwork. A spring is compressed, and held there by the alarm detent. When the alarm time arrives, the detent gets released and the spring slowly releases, via a train of gears ending in a butterfly, compressing the flexible bag. Some time later, a similiar mechanism sounds the bell. This lends itself to being an addition to a traditional spring powered alarm clock.   

       It could be powered by a motor, running from batteries. The revolutions of the motor are geared down to a paddle which compresses the bag when the motor runs. In this case the timer is a digital clock.   

       The entire bag isn't inside you, only the applicator end of the flexible tube. This could be made disposable, and get discarded with the morning dump.
neelandan, Nov 29 2008

       OK. So a clockwork enemalarm. Will the ticking in my ass make it hard to sleep?   

       //The entire bag isn't inside you, only the applicator end of the flexible tube. This could be made disposable, and get discarded with the morning dump.//   

       So there's a little tube going up in there, and the rest is... held against my butt by a strap? I still think there's a very real risk of having the enemalarm's applicator come out during the night, with a very dirty sheet situation resulting.   

       I'm also a little curious about this applicator tube. How will inserting it be made comfortable? since it's disposable, what sort of biodegradable material will it be made of?
ye_river_xiv, Nov 29 2008

       A butt plug with a hole in it, a little like those things you stick on the end of syringes, made of cocoa butter, is inserted into the anus. The tube sticks into the end of the plug, and has a shutter on the end. This is operated in a similar way to cable brakes on a bike, with the cable running up one side of the tube. At the far end, a spring-loaded lever is released by clockwork at the appropriate time.
The night before, you empty your cigarette butts into it and they marinade in the vodka, releasing their nicotine and the solution is later mixed with water and heated to body temperature before being released down the tube. That way, you get your first nicotine hit of the day at the same time.
If at some point in the day you happen to be lucid enough, you replace the plug with another cocoa butter suppository. They wouldn't be that hard to make at home: just get some cocoa butter, warm it, put it in a pessary mould and drill a hole in it with a knitting needle.
nineteenthly, Nov 29 2008

       still, it's better than the eminem alarm   

       [WcW] You are absolutely right. Excuse for my joking earlier. I read your post as though it was my post. It is exactly the sort of thing I could say and I agree wholeheartedly, thanks.
zeno, Nov 30 2008

       when you talk with someone about how they found themselves in an unfamiliar city with no idea what day it was, why they were there or where they were staying and this person is a successful person with friends, a career, a family, who has just lost a month of memories their first response is to try to stave off the terror of the situation with a strong drink you realize that, given desperate circumstances, this idea isn't at all comical or halfbaked but very real. I'm not trying to curmudgeon or look like a bleeding heart, we should talk about these things, but I think the dangers here deserve more respect. Coffee simply isn't in the same league.
WcW, Nov 30 2008

       // Then, when the blood is sufficiently diluted in your alcohol stream // Don't you mean, "Then, when the alcohol is sufficiently diluted in your blood stream"?
theredbrigades, Dec 01 2008

       I think that's a gag [theredbrigades].   

       This reminds me of Steve-O hooking himself up to a vodka drip. Not entirely a good idea, by all accounts.   

       I've had this problem in the past, it's not nice. WcW is right, best to stop.
theleopard, Dec 01 2008

       Coffee is in the same league for me because in the end it will kill me. In the meantime it makes me a horrible person to live with. I'm speaking as someone whose family has been deeply affected by alcohol, to the extent that i've forsworn it completely. I also know people who are killing themselves with alcohol right now, some of whom are friends. I'm able to compare and i don't think caffeine is any better, the way i use it. I get chest pains and i'm pretty sure that's why.
nineteenthly, Dec 01 2008

       Aside from the alcohol aspect of this idea, this form of alarm clock is original at least.
sninctown, Dec 03 2008


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