h a l f b a k e r y
"Not baked goods, Professor; baked bads!" -- The Tick
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England has an incomplete -hampton theme. We have Northampton,
Southampton, Littlehampton, Minchinhampton and a few others. We
could do so much better with a little planning and reorganisation of
local government, and provide thirty-three new local authorities
which would be much neater than
the current arrangement.
Draw a conceptual circle on a map of England whose circumference
passes through Northampton and Southampton. Divide this into
thirty-two sectors forty and one-half nautical miles long and almost
eight nautical miles wide, thereby creating a regular thirty-two sided
polygon. Define an area of the same shape in the centre of the
polygon such that it has the same area as one of the sectors. This gets
you thirty-two thin tapering quadrilaterals and one thirty-two sided
regular polygon with identical areas.
Name (i know, but this isn't all to the idea) each sector by compass
points, so there's Northampton, North-by-Northwesthampton, North-
Easthampton and so on, the centre polygon being called
Middlehampton. Cede the whole area from England proper with a
roughly circular border, interrupted here and there by the coastline
and call it Roseland. Middlehampton is the capital and each sector
along with the central district a rather narrow local authority.
Advantages of this arrangement:
It makes geography simpler - people know roughly where somewhere
is from its name and can navigate to something like the right area by
using a compass, with the slight problem that magnetic north is not
An area somewhere in Buckinghamshire (i think) becomes the capital,
thereby shifting the apparatus of government from a congested big
wen and freeing up that big wen for other purposes such as tourism
and other industries.
Many local authorities become mixed rural and urban areas,
encouraging them to balance the needs of both communities and also
providing a balance of left- and right-wing councils.
Everyone (except in Middlehampton) is under four nautical miles from
another local authority, meaning they will sometimes be able to vote
with their feet if they don't like what's going on.
A radial transport system can be built along great circles, which is
more efficient than the current arrangement and could be more easily
Meanwhile, Lancaster and York adopt the same systems with thirty-
three smaller areas centred on the cities concerned with the areas
again becoming separate countries referred to as Redroseland and
Whiteroseland respectively, the radius being defined as the halfway
point between the two cities. These are also separate nations, and the
advantages are the same. There would of course be some controversy
in the respective eastern and western parts of Redroseland and
The remaining territories in the former England can do their own
thing. Maybe the bits left in the North can become part of Scotland,
the bits in the West Wales and Cornwall becomes independent.
The rest of the world will then find it easier to learn our geography and
local government in one easy lesson, just as the duodecimal system
would ease arithmetic and spelling reform would help with literacy.
If it's possible to have kosher bacon, then similarly approved ham may only be a matter of time. [zen_tom, Mar 29 2012]
//The more circles are punched out of England the better//
[mouseposture, Mar 29 2012]
Outline of the new nations
Didn't do the sectors [nineteenthly, Mar 31 2012]
||What location becomes Pinkroseland? - i.e. equidistant between Lancaster and York?
||and Wolverhampton...not to mention Southgate in north London
||The thing to do is settle on a naming scheme. Wolverhampton
is outside all the circles mentioned, so it could be part of a
secondary wildlife-based circle including the likes of
Wolverhampton, Fogzerhampton, Badgerhampton, Bearhampton
and Wildboarhampton. Not so methodical unless arranged
according to taxonomical criteria, so maybe Wolverhampton is
next to Dogherhampton and Fogzerhampton.
||Pinkroseland is a useful buffer state between Redroseland and
Whiteroseland, so that makes perfect sense, but its precise
location is currently unclear. It would mean reducing the size of
the other two. The more circles are punched out of England the
||Concerning Southgate, London no longer exists in this scheme as
a political entity, so my suggestion there would be to find out
where it is in the new territorial regime and proceed to name all
the corresponding parts of the wedges appropriately. This
would of course mean renaming Southgate something like
Eastsoutheastgate, but people could live with that. In fact, all
locations within the circle with names referring to compass
points should be identified and reallocated appropriately
according to their population.
||The X-hamptons can f*ck off - how come we're skimming over all the more fundamental Hams? I'd much prefer an even more arbitrary system of geographic organisation tied to enforcment of alternate nonsense along basic -ham based lines.
Oldham - strictly populated by people of retirement age, and exclusively fed ham
Wrexham - administrative capital of the salvage industry, the workers of which are all exclusively fed ham
Altham - industrial capital for the manufacture of different types of "Alt" keyboard keys - branching out into "Ctrl", "Windows" and other propriatary keyboard furniture.
Ambersham - storage depot for the country's amber, resin and other tree-sap based commodities. Everyone is fed on ham.
Birmingham - renamed to the City of Birming. Ham use is outlawed in this central location.
Dogham - nuff said etc.
||And let's not get started on the -wiches.
||There wouldn't be many veggies, Muslims or Orthodox Jews in
your ham-based utopia, [z_t], which makes me think we could
have it both ways. Three competing sets of jurisdiction
according to preference each vying for the rates and taxes of the
populace, one hammy, another hamptony and a third officially
wiccan state, coordinated from an
international body based in Hampton Wick, whose name would
need to be tweaked slightly.
||A tripartate Wiccan/Zionist/Muslim Caliphate might just do the trick, why has nobody considered this before?
||Well yes, it's just so obvious really isn't it?
||//reorganisation of local government//
Having experienced a few of these I have to politely observe that there isn't a fishbone that's big enough or smelly enough to properly convey my complete & utter contempt for this idea! ;o)
||Presumably the first PM installed post-reconstruction will be Nelson Mandala.
||Croissant (primarily for //The more circles are punched out of England the better, methinks//).
||\\circles punched out of England\\ <link>
||Now wondering if the Roselands should be Tudor rose
shaped though, rather than just circular.
||Thanks for the link, [mouseposture], that probably influenced me