Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Post-apocalyptic retirement home

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A great many people seem to be obsessed with the idea that It Will All End Badly, and that humanity will collapse due to the combined effects of one or more of capitalism, food shortages, unfettered population growth, obesity, oil shortages, global warming, or infertility caused by plastic drinking bottles.

I may be mistaken*, but I believe these people live for the day when society crumbles and their foresight and wisdom, coupled with self-reliance and personal armament, leaves them as masters of the post-apocalyptic wilderness.

But today, no apocalypse. Tomorrow, also no apocalypse. Then all of a sudden... still no apocalypse.

What happens to these people when they get old? Do they cling to the hope that the End might still come before their end? How do they deal with the continued existence of electricity, roads, water and taxes? How do they reconcile themselves to society's ongoing robustness, even as their own failing health marks them out as a non-survivor?

Anapocalyptic woes begone!!

MaxCare Unc. is currently in the early pre-planning stages of opening a range of retirement homes to soothe the souls of aged survivors with no apocalypse to survive.

Our first home, Ashen Meadows, will be opening just as the first generation of nuclear doomsdayers reach their golden years.

The tastefully landscaped, semi-vitrified grounds of Ashen Meadows sport a soothing barrenness, dotted lightly with tastefully burnt tree-stumps. Each resident is lovingly cared for in their own bunker, which they are free to decorate with any small personal items (sorry, no living pets).

The larder can be stocked with bottled water and tinned foods of your choice, which will discreetly replaced as necessary using our "hoard-u-like" service. Entertainment will consist of our very own in-house radio, broadcasting feint "am I the only survivor?" messages in Morse every few days.

For those residents with medical needs, nursing staff will be tastefully attired in full lead shielding, complete with respirator and a highly plausible Geiger counter. Residents are invited to bring their own firearms (though, for legal reasons, only blank ammunition is permitted) and, for a modest extra charge, marauding bands of half-starved townies can be fended off at a time to suit you.

Or perhaps you'd prefer a rickshaw retirement at Post- Petroleum Heights? Or maybe our water-themed, semi-submerged Sea-Level Sunsets will appeal to those of you who have waited too long for the glaciers to melt?

Rest assured, and trust to MaxCare to make your post- apocalyptic autumn years as fulfilling as you always knew they'd be.

*this statement is for effect only.

MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 06 2011

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       I like it. Perhaps a fake CBD/Financial city centre Aged Home for the Occupy crowd? It would need to be lightly- defended so the outraged geriatrics could take the residence 'by force'. It would certainly be cheap to run as they'd smuggle in their own supplies and tents. You'd only require a few fake tv cameras and occasionally have an orderly drop by dressed as a reporter or perhaps a police officer trying to move them on. The residents might even be self- medicating.
AusCan531, Dec 06 2011
  

       You had me right up until the no live pets clause... and how is this in any way homeless?   

       I couldn't find a "retirement home" category.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 06 2011
  

       Ashen Meadows is a pretty name.
bungston, Dec 06 2011
  

       You need a section where the staff have markings on their foreheads and hands, and are required to chant odd things while bowing down to a good-looking chisled guy in a weird-looking robe, preferably with slick hair. Perhaps Mitt Romney.
RayfordSteele, Dec 06 2011
  

       (sp. "faint", not "feint" unless the Morse code message is a cunning decoy)

Lots of work here for actors too, turning up, dressed in rags, claiming to have survived since "The Event" by eating stockpiled toothpaste.
hippo, Dec 09 2011
  

       Crestfallen Manor? Chateau Debris? This could work --- where do I sign? [+]
Grogster, Dec 09 2011
  

       [+] The generation which grew up reading postapocalyptic science fiction is aging, now. In the next few decades, they'll be trickling into the nursing homes. Many will dement. Instead of restraints (or the hardly less humiliating alternatives) "wandering" Alzheimers' patients can simply be told that airlock access is restricted for a few more weeks untill the radiation levels subside.
mouseposture, Dec 09 2011
  

       //I think the zombie appocalypse and planet of the apes scenario should be catered for too.//   

       We're one step ahead of you. These were MaxCare's pre-pre-planning pilot studies, known respectively as "Milton Keynes" and "Swindon".
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 09 2011
  

       this idea is exquisite. You may have all my buns But shouldn't there be survival groups as well?
Voice, Dec 10 2011
  

       Might as well get it out of the way and suggest an apocalyptic retirement home where geriatrics are given the impression of surviving the rapture just before they die.
rcarty, Dec 10 2011
  

       You'd think so, but i fully expect to be crapped on from a great height when the shit hits the fan [+].
nineteenthly, Dec 10 2011
  

       //*this statement is for effect only//. Is sniggering an effect?
AusCan531, Dec 12 2011
  

       rcarty, see my Dec 6th annotation.
RayfordSteele, Dec 12 2011
  

       //unfettered population growth, obesity//   

       The population is increasing, either way.   

       I was going to go for a limited diet for Malthusian retirees, but that would be inhumane. Simply position a pair of binoculars over the meals, with the binoculars pointing the wrong way and the adequate meal will tiny....
not_morrison_rm, Dec 12 2011
  
      
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