Riot Control Bears

We’ve all enjoyed watching bears dance in chains to barrel organ music and fight with wild dogs, but now there’s a chance for them to make an even greater contribution to society.

Based on the solid premise that nobody messes with a bear, this innovation in the field of law enforcement will finally bring troubled societies the world over the peaceful violence-free existence we all deserve.

In the face of trouble on the streets, rather than endangering the lives of human law enforcers in an attempt to quell the unrest, the elite Riot Control Bear Unit will be sent in. This will consist of tightly regimented squads of bears who would be trained to “nullify” aggressive degenerates.

Prior to the deployment of the bear unit, powerful loudspeakers mounted atop the unit’s transport vehicles will play the theme tune to “Gentle Ben”. This serves as a warning that anyone making trouble should give themselves up at once or face a tidal wave of righteous, ursine fury

The bears will overpower violent humans using their vastly superior bear strength, and then gently but unstoppably pin offenders to the ground with their paws so that human officers can come and arrest them.

The bears will also be trained to recognise wounded humans and bear them away (heh heh heh) away from the trouble scene so that they can receive medical attention with the minimum of delay.

The bears themselves will be protected from harm by kevlar bodysuits, not unlike those sometimes worn by small and irritating dogs. These suits would enhance the bears’ already palpable air of menace and coolness.

In the unlikely event of a rogue bear going on the rampage, human officers in the unit will signal via radio the activation of a powerful tranquiliser implanted in the bear which would incapacitate it and enable its capture.

Obviously, the bear unit represents the last word in riot control and should only be deployed when all other measures have proven ineffective. Exceptions to this policy are incidents where animal rights activists are involved. Bear units should always be deployed without warning in such cases, simply for irony value (this would be doubly delicious if the activists were protesting the use of the riot control bears).

Potential exists for the abuse of this innovation by totalitarian states, therefore bears should be bred and trained in a programme administered by the UN and distributed only to countries with acceptable human rights records. The programme could focus on breeds of bear that are under threat of extinction, thus helping to maintain the Earth’s biodiversity.

Riot Control Bears, just regular bears, doing their jobs….