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Samurai Slaughterhouse

Quick, humane death
(+3, -3)
  [vote for,

Transporting animals to slaughterhouses, plus the smell of slaughterhouses causes animals terrible amounts of stress prior to their death which significantly affects the quality of the meat.

So, this idea is for an expert with a Samurai sword to visit farms to slaughter animals. The farmer would pick out an animal and lead it into a special pen - the Samurai warrior would silently approach and slice through the animal's neck with one blow of the razor-sharp sword.

The animal will be killed swiftly and without stress. We will be treated to the sight of Samurai warriors in traditional dress sneaking around farms.

(Has any else seen "Zatoichi"?)
hippo, May 09 2004

Meat Quality Problems http://ag.ansc.purd...ality_problems.html
[hippo, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Another hippo slaughterhouse. http://www.halfbake...ng_20slaughterhouse
Should we be worried about this man? [DrBob, Oct 04 2004]


       The common method of killing a cow takes two steps. First, at the slaughterhouse you hit them on the head really hard. This is referred to as 'stunning', and it usually works. Either way, the next step is called 'exsanguination', which is simply helping the cow bleed to death. Then keep going a while to get as much blood out as possible.   

       hippo's method sounds humane, except that any failure to take the head off in one pass will cause significant distress. It can be very difficult to cut through the spinal cord, neck muscles, etc. Medieval executioners frequently required multiple blows to cut through a human neck.   

       Don’t fall for Hollywood physics regarding decapitation.
Laughs Last, May 09 2004

       I have to agree with [Laughs]... I've been reding up on the art of Japanese swordmaking in the hopes of one day giving it a shot myself. It turns out that the traditional Samurai sword is designed as a slashing weapon, like a sabre. The curved edge was introduced so that it could be drawn cleanly across the target, cutting deeply enough to do damage but not deep enough to get stuck. This allowed for a more rapid execution of sword strokes - particularly useful when figting more than one combatant.

Now a hydraulic ram guillotine, on the other hand...
justaguy, May 09 2004

       For my money, nothing beats killing small animals by high voltage anal probe. Keep in mind; you can't spell slaughter without laughter.
Laughs Last, May 09 2004

hippo, May 09 2004

       Will your Samurai slice up my Tofu while he's at it please (but using a clean sword)?   

       [Laughs Last] keep in mind that compared to a cow, you ARE a small animal. Bend over while I charge up the probe please!
dobtabulous, May 10 2004

       Ugh. But read up on pithing.
DrCurry, May 10 2004

       [Laughs Last]'s annotation about stunning is a good point I think - maybe the Samurai warrior will be preceded by a shady figure holding a captive-bolt gun.

The idea of cutting through animals' necks with a single blow I got from watching my butcher cut oxtail - he'd swing his cleaver from above his head and each cut would be made not through a vertebrae, but through the soft discs separating them. That's accuracy.
hippo, May 10 2004

       Bovine guillotine?
DesertFox, May 10 2004

       Funny, [hippo]. But this is surprisingly more bloody than you think. My dad used to work at a slaughter house, and he gave us a tour once. We watched a pig go through the entire process:   

       They led them into a small, concrete room with a drain in the floor. They pointed the gun (.22 cal) point blank at the pigs forehead (who performed the slaughter you saw, [bliss]? Why would you have to aim?). After squeezing the trigger, we watched the pig fall to the ground, bleeding heavily. Its dead as soon as the bullet enters it's head, despite the fact that its now flopping around in its own blood. Yes, flopping. So bad that it was flinging blood all over the walls, and out the doorway, onto me. I didn't exactly enjoy it, but it made a good story to tell. I didn't even mention the chainsaw (don't worry, it was dead)...
ghillie, May 10 2004



       Scrunch. CHOP! Slice.   

       Mmmmm. Hamburgers!
DesertFox, May 10 2004

       As I intimated, none too pretty.
DrCurry, May 10 2004

       //I would be amazed to see one severed with a single blow of any weapon short of an artillery piece, let alone a relatively light katana.//
I've seen Zatoichi, so I know this can be done though only if forty-eight cows attack the samurai at once.
calum, May 11 2004

       //only if forty-eight cows attack the samurai at once//

Hmm! <strokey beard moment. Ponders posting proposal for Tarantino-esque film entitled 'Kill Bull'>.
DrBob, May 11 2004

       Crouching bovine
Hidden butcher

       what [scout] says, though this does bring back pictures of my grandfather in the Belushi outfit
theircompetitor, May 11 2004

       If you want to see what this would actually look like, watch Apocalypse Now. Near the end, intercut with shots of Martin Sheen lurking, there are shots of a ceremony where the locals sacrifice a cow by this method - they chop through its neck with a machete. It's not special effects either - according to Francis Ford Coppola, this ceremony just happened to be going on while the film crew were there and they decided to film it. And in case you were wondering, they don't even come close to severing the whole neck in one go.
spacemoggy, May 11 2004

       I think we should put them out with drugs and then carve them up live. Fresher is better and no worries about stress.
shriekingturtle, May 11 2004

       [spacemoggy] I don't think it's a machete... I seem to remember a long knife of machete size, but with a huge honkin' boomerang-shaped blade and a nice full belly. Started with a K, or something.

The point is that cleavers, huge and ponderous ceremonial knives, and the like bear little resemblance to Samurai swords. A Samurai wielding a cleaver (or better yet, a glaive) would have a better chance of doing the job than he would with his standard issue piece.
justaguy, May 11 2004

       [justaguy] The knife you describe sounds like a big khukuri. See link for some piccies.
spacemoggy, May 11 2004

       Yep, that's it!
justaguy, May 11 2004

spacemoggy, May 11 2004

       Humans are not ruminating mammals.
Laughs Last, May 11 2004

       Cows are not to be trifled with. <link>
Klaatu, May 12 2004

       ...or introduce your cattle to the joys of smoking?   

       ...or let the cattle drive cars in the fields without seatbelts?   

       ...or let them listen to The Cure for hours on end and leave some pills nearby?   

       ...or let them order fast food without reading the nutritional chart first?   

       ...or white water rafting for cows?   

       ...or landmines under the grass?   

       ...or take them on long-haul flights without special tights?   

       ...or tamper with the seals around their microwave ovens?   

       ...or cut the brake lines in their carts?
not_only_but_also, May 12 2004

       I find it had to believe that *anyone* of a sensitive nature made it past the title on this page...
DrCurry, May 12 2004

       //without pause for a prayer// is this a euphemism for fast?   

       By all accounts, the beheading was done with a knife in a slow and sloppy fashion. I didn’t see the video, and can’t find a good enough description to know which side was cut through first. In any case, doing it slow and sloppy would make it non-halal
Laughs Last, May 12 2004

       Back to the slaughterhouse, the badness of killing animals is slight in comparison to the torture they endure at large factory scale farm. The meat you eat doesn’t come from some cute pastoral farm with a red barn and gentle old farmer. To add injury to insult, the machines used to kill animals occasionally fail to kill, resulting in the animals being dissected while still alive.
Laughs Last, May 12 2004

       They miss, and then proceed rip off the skin and innards. I'm thinking of chickens here.
Laughs Last, May 13 2004

       Thank god someone's thinking of the poor chickens.
spacemoggy, May 13 2004

       what about kamikazi sheep, one highly motivated, religous nut, of a sheep bounds worshipfully into the slaughter house, while all his fluffy dumb freinds follow...baaaaa..bye. Just a rising sun version of judas goat really.
etherman, May 13 2004

       After much deliberation, I must agree with [hippo]'s idea. Bushido has a lot it could offer to the dignity of animals.
Laughs Last, May 13 2004

       zanzibar, is that link an echo?
po, May 13 2004

calum, May 14 2004

k_sra, May 14 2004

bristolz, May 14 2004

Laughs Last, May 14 2004

       Just saw Zatoichi. Really liked it, but I'm a little worried about what the farm equivalent of the tap dancing finale would be.
jutta, Dec 23 2004

       [Thinks about introducing the concept of vegetarianism, but fears the Samurai Swords and shuts up...]
SleepWalker, Dec 23 2004

       Was going to post UAV herd slaughter but this is a similar idea.   

       //and lead it into a special pen//   

       I'm sure animals would get stressed about that too - particularly the ones who notice the ones who don't come back.   

       It also leads me to wonder what kind of pen was mightier than the sword. Maybe someone could ratify or ramify that musing or otherwise relate to a sun god.   

       Melting ... I'm melting.   

       <communication interrupted - normal service from this user will be resumed as soon as is tolerable/>
bigsleep, Jan 26 2013

       //If you want to see what this would actually look like, watch Apocalypse Now. Near the end, intercut with shots of Martin Sheen lurking, there are shots of a ceremony where the locals sacrifice a cow by this method - they chop through its neck with a machete. It's not special effects either - according to Francis Ford Coppola, this ceremony just happened to be going on while the film crew were there and they decided to film it. And in case you were wondering, they don't even come close to severing the whole neck in one go.//   

       That film was on TV here last night. Knowing this does explain why these shots don't quite fit in with the scenario.
Anyway, it looked relatively humane to me as these things go - I reckon the head was almost completely off within a couple of seconds, max. It did take three or maybe four blows, but there were two guys with the big honking kmachetes alternating blows at the head end very efficiently.

       Also, props to bigsleep.
Loris, Jan 28 2013

       Baked. Its called a Schechter or Shoichet in ancient Japanese, and is still done today.
pashute, Jan 29 2013

       Sorry, but this is simply cruelty. The stories of how a samurai sword cut through an entire body are bullshit.
UnaBubba, Jan 29 2013


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