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Sanitary Teleporter

Next step in waste-disposal technology.
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[WARNING: requires officially impossible physical effect.]

First, it was just shrubbery. Then, shallow holes in the ground. Millenia later, the outhouse was developed. Much later, the modern water closet. But must progress stop? Consider a portable device, properly affixed to the user's body, that would allow "sanitary teleportation." Thus, humans would no longer be required to interrupt their daily business to attend to their "needs." The device could even be implanted, eliminating the need for unsightly external hardware.

dsm, Mar 02 2001

Chester Brown: Ed The Happy Clown http://www.drawnand...content=order-brown
(Search for "legal".) In this comic book (I very much enjoyed it, but Peter Bagge called it a "big dopey self-indulgent mess, story-wise", go figure), one of the characters has the exact opposite problem of what you describe. In a parallel universe, people think that their waste disposal problems are finally solved for good; they've discovered a hole (hanging in mid-air) that makes everything vanish (as far as they're concerned) that they push into it. [jutta, Mar 02 2001]

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       Just teleport it to the center of the earth, or into a cornfield or something.
centauri, Mar 02 2001
  

       If it was implanted, and you clenched your butt cheeks, would your butt be teleported to the center of the earth?
PotatoStew, Mar 02 2001
  

       Eewwwwww
technobadger, Mar 02 2001
  

       Send everything to the same place it goes now - the city sewer. Everything is the same, minus the usual "processes".
dsm, Mar 02 2001
  

       [D]sm, how sanitary is it if you're still left with tons of raw sewage?   

       By the way, this invention would probably mean the end of people sticking things in that body cavity, unless the device was positioned higher up in the excretory system.   

       Could a variant of this be used to scan alcohol from your throat?
centauri, Mar 02 2001, last modified Mar 05 2001
  

       Technobadger: Eewwwwww indeed. The only thing worse would be a system that involves wiping excess excrement from your body with small pieces of absorbent paper.

Centauri: Current waste disposal systems leave you with tons of raw sewage anyway. At least this device would prevent you having to interact with it.

And why on earth would you want alcohol removed from your throat?
sirrobin, Mar 03 2001
  

       i like th gasey idea u could plug yourelf into yr car 4 better economy or could be used istead of payment on the bus!
edski, Mar 03 2001
  

       Salt to taste??
Boson, Mar 05 2001
  

       The exact positioning of the implant could be an issue of great concern to those who prefer a less orthodox approach to sex, methinks.
DrBob, Mar 05 2001
  

       Not necessarily. If the teleporter was placed high enough, sphincter involvement could be kept to a minimum, or eliminated completely. The waste products would just dissappear at the end of the line, with no effort or facial expressions needed on the subject's part.
PotatoStew, Mar 05 2001
  

       degroof: Odd facial expressions? I don't see why. If the device were automatic, it could remove waste products at anytime, so that there would never be a need for exertion.   

       Niven's "A World Out Of Time" featured a booth that would teleport waste products out of the body at a cellular level, supposedly rejuvenating the body.
centauri, Mar 05 2001
  

       Or someone else's pocket.
hippo, Mar 06 2001
  

       If this technology were available, don't you think people would use it for human transportation, as well as mail and other delivery services? If this were the case, I'd think the lesson we all learned in THE FLY would serve to ban dsm's application.
beauxeault, Mar 06 2001
  

       Well, obviously there are a few bugs to be eliminated from the system, beauxeault, but I think the technique is sound.   

       I have occasionally thought that another use for a high-precision teleporter would be childbirth. No more messy C-sections --- just beam the baby out and replace it with an equal amount of saline or something.   

       Other applications of teleportation to the getting-stuff-out-of-your-body-problem:
- no more nose picking, just *bzzzmmmmm* and breathe freely!
- no more sinus headaches!
- anorexic models can have food beamed out of their gullet as they eat: no more trips to throw up in the bathroom!
- kid sticking stuff in his/her ear/nose? No problem!
- splinter-B-gone!
- dental plaque-scrapings and tooth-extractions will be replaced by quick, painless "teledontics"!
- and many, many more!
  

       Not to mention all the other medical uses: organ transplants, bullet removal, etc.
wiml, Mar 07 2001
  

       ... organ removal, bullet insertion ...
centauri, Mar 07 2001
  

       (innocent look)   

       centauri: Donations of marrow, etc. would also be much less painful. You could have a drive-through organ bank. Maybe I should add that thought to the "never leave your car" item.
wiml, Mar 08 2001
  

       Well duh... You'd use another matter transporter to transport it in there, wouldn't you? :-)
hippo, Mar 08 2001
  

       What effect will all this have on Anal Retentive people?
thumbwax, Mar 08 2001
  

       So... since Anal Retentive people could actually beam stuff into their lower intestines, that would solve the disposal problem. Thanks PeterSealy! Personally, I don't think Harrison Ford has unloaded in years, judging by the look on his face anyway...Think we can send it to him or Jeanne Kirkpatrick or Janet Reno? I don't think they'd mind
thumbwax, Mar 09 2001
  

       Assuming, for the sake of argument, that the device was technically possible, it would take a significant amount of energy to disassemble your waste, beam it to a remote location and then re-assemble it. Your higher energy needs would require an increased in-take of food, thus increasing your waste generation capability so requiring more energy etc. Eventually, everyone would have to spend the whole time eating just to keep their implant working.
DrBob, Mar 09 2001
  

       Why would the waste have to be reassembled into its original form? Couldn't we just let the atomic particles reassemble themselves in a chaotic manner? In this way, the reassembly step would produce excess energy, which could be used to partially offset the energy requirements for disassembly.   

       I wonder what sort of matter would result. Any atomic chemists out there?
beauxeault, Mar 09 2001
  

       I think the main problem with this device is that a teleportation device does not, and by reletivity CANNOT exist
rjswanson, Apr 07 2001
  

       That's what happened. It just didn't look good on the marquee.
The Military, Jul 04 2001
  

       [DrBob]: "Your higher energy needs would require an increased in-take of food"   

       Not if you recharged from an external source: imagine a power adapter connected to the mains, with an output prong mounted on a seat - sit on this for 20 minutes a day and you're all charged up. This would neccessitate baring your bum, so it would have to be situated somewhere private, like the bathroom. Hey, there's a space over there where the toilet used to be - perfect!   

       Mind you, you probably wouldn't want to sit on a spike that someone else had used, however clean their internals were, without giving it a good wipe with a damp cloth first. You'd want a ready supply of disposable tissues to do that with, and some system for disposing of them in a hygenic manner. Tell you what, leave the toilet plumbed in, and mount the spike on the lid. Charge up, wipe the spike, lift the lid, dump the tissue and flush it away.
Saveloy, Feb 27 2002
  

       Why have a powered version? A ring of super-dense material (while we're in fantasy physics land) in the rectum, holding open a wormhole into the past. That way you could seed the early earth with organic material
dare99, Feb 27 2002
  

       In theory, if you could teleport matter (break it down, move it, reassemble it), then why not simply make a device that would take the excrement produced, and turn it into energy useful to one's body? Why move the stuff when you can turn it into something useful. And, as an added bonus, such a device could probably be made to make it's own energy, and power itself, while still providing extra energy.   

       less eating, more energy, and no worries about unexpectedly having your ass end up in china or somewhere without you.
[KILL], Apr 03 2002
  

       I had a similar idea a while back during a discussion about toilets in Star Trek. It conjured up the image of "Scottie" attempting to transport a very large stool whilst crying "She can't take much more captain" in his trademark accent.   

       I concluded, finally, that I would actually miss taking a dump after a while. Be honest, so would you.
brewmaster, Apr 03 2002
  
      
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