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Skinny Monkey Slimming Shoes

Eek eek eek
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I thought I'd posted this before, but I haven't.

So.

Losing weight is an ongoing battle for most adults in developed countries. It's all evolution's fault: we have been selected to enjoy energy-rich foods when they are available, and to pile on the fat as a safeguard against the inevitable famine.

Unfortunately, famine has now become not only evitable, but actually evited.

It's even worse, though: when we try to simulate a famine by dieting, our clever metabolisms slow down and hoard every calorie to help see us through.

This is not good news for a freelance consultant topologist in his very late twenties.

A digression:

A while ago, I went through a brief phase of climbing trees with my daughter, Maxwell Jr. It only lasted a couple of weeks, and we only climbed a dozen modest trees, but during this time I lost about 10lb, even though I was probably developing a few extra muscles.

This led me to think. If evolution is as smart as it thinks it is, then it should not be concerned solely with protecting against famine, but with ensuring my survival in all contexts. Since we evolved from treeish creatures, there should be some genes in there that respond to the sound of creaking branches and the sensation of bending boughs, by saying "Whoa! We're back in the trees! Better shed some excess weight before we break something and die!" (Evolution just loves exclamation marks.)

This would explain why my brief flirtation with tree-climbing led to a sudden and un-earned weight loss. My good-old monkey genes were looking out for me and dumping fat.

End of digression.

So.

MaxLite, Inc. (a wholly-owned subsidiary of MaxTax offshore investments) is proud to introduce its range of Skinny Monkey (tm) slimming shoes.

Skinny Monkeys (available in a wide range of colours and flavours) look like regular shoes, but have a cunningly designed two-inch platform sole.

The platform sole has the advantage of lowering your BMI as soon as you put the Skinny Monkeys on, but it also has a more ingenious mode of action.

Each pair of Skinny Monkeys contains a carefully-calibrated mechanism which, when subjected to more than a certain load, will cause the platform to produce a creaking noise, then a splintering noise, and then to collapse assymetrically, throwing you off balance in an alarming and potentially hazardous way.

Once collapsed, the Skinny Monkey platform can be re-set using a small lever in the arch of the shoe.

You will soon learn to walk lightly, and to tread gingerly when walking up or down stairs. You will constantly be attuned to the creaking noise which preceded an embarrassing collapse, and your monkey-brain will quickly get the message and take action.

Be amazed as the weight simply falls off! As it does so, simply adjust your Skinny Monkey Slimming Shoes, setting them to collapse at ever-lower loads.

Each pair is supplied with a lovingly embroidered disclaimer, unique to Skinny Monkey Slimming Shoes. Skinny Monkey Slimming Shoes - you heard it here first.

MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 22 2010

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       I'm surprised this is not already commercially available.
pocmloc, Nov 22 2010
  

       We're taking orders.
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 22 2010
  

       Only a fool would buy this product, so it should sell like hotcakes.
mouseposture, Nov 23 2010
  

       Hmm. Odd how few people sell hot cakes, though.
MaxwellBuchanan, Nov 23 2010
  

       well, the "fresh out of the oven" experience is, of course, limited to bakeries where I imagine a hot pastry would be snapped up faster than a cold one.
FlyingToaster, Nov 23 2010
  

       ...or as teenagers say "It should sell, like, hot cakes? yeah?"
hippo, Nov 23 2010
  

       ...or as we say, "It should sell like hot cakes, no?"
xandram, Nov 23 2010
  
      
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