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Spaniel Springer

deal with dangerously delirious dogs
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Last night, while walking my dog in the gloaming, on the golf course, I thought I was being attacked by a vicious drooling monster. What ackshully happened was that a folle comme une brosse barrel-shaped apparently 400lb chocolate spangle dog came tearing through the trees and knocked me to the ground in its enthusiasm to smell the arse of my delicately well-bred mongrel, and chase it around aimlessly while barking loudly and spraying revolting sticky dog gob around the place.

The only solution to this is the Spaniel Springer - it's a spring-loaded mutt repeller that you attach to your knees so that when a wildly salivating idiot gun dog that's spent most of the past five years stealing children's food and practising iredeemably boisterous behaviour runs into you 'cos it's too stoopid to tell the difference between your leg and open air, you can relax, safe in the knowledge that the brainless furball will be catapulted into the long grass, where its spectacular dribbling and tangible lack of intelligence will be more welcome. You're uprightness will be maintained by the deployment of stabilising errrrm stabilisers when the overweight and overenthusiastic barker collides with you.

Murdoch, Sep 05 2007

Springer Spaniel http://www.dogbreed...springerspaniel.htm
[po, Sep 05 2007]

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       If you can't just punt the mutt away with a well-placed kick, I'm thinking the catapult will not be able to do the job either, or would a visit to the knee surgeon immediately thereafter. (Every action having an equal and opposite reaction, and all that.)
DrCurry, Sep 05 2007
  

       "95% rant" my ass. D'you honestly think a dog running into me was annoying or scary, or could it be that my use of language is not so subtle as to convey irony/humour?
Murdoch, Sep 05 2007
  

       I imagine that happens often.
Murdoch, Sep 05 2007
  

       Never much cared for animal dominance games, myself, until I met my first wild mustang. (+)   

       There should be a corresponding means of thumping the owner of the animal who fails to train or restrain.
normzone, Sep 06 2007
  

       If you see the slavering beast approuching and have enough time you could deploy the Slick Mat of Deflection. This plastic mat is slippery to the beclawed canine and has grooves running lengthways which turn gently sideways avoiding the centre point where you stand in triumphant safety.   

       [Edit] The offending animal is thus sent careening over pressure sensors which play a variety of cartoon sound effects. To add to the indignity, the rambunctious hound reaches the end of the mat where he overturns a pot of jam and disturbs a nest of bees.
marklar, Sep 06 2007
  

       Marklar - loving your work on this. It's apparent that your organ of irony is intact, unlike that of A Device, who doesn't like words and uses a suspicious amount of tissue paper.
Murdoch, Sep 06 2007
  

       //careening// sp. careering
pertinax, Sep 07 2007
  

       "Careening" is a perfectly good word meaning swerving, in this context.
Murdoch, Sep 07 2007
  
      
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