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The Nowhere League

Why should the Witness Relocation Program have all the fun?
 
(+2, -2)
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What we REALLY need is a relocation program that is SO secret not even the government can find you. Perfect for those pesky fugitives from the law you always hear about on the news, or just people who get tired of paying their confiscatory federal and state taxes. This would be a private organization, funded by customer fees and by private donations as a charity. Just tell them that you want to renounce your former identity, and they'll set you up in another town, just like the Witness Relocation Program would, but this time not even the Feds will know where you are. Also useful of course, for getting away from your creditors, the Mafia, your local loan shark, your shrewish bitch of an ex-wife, etc. etc. etc.

But, deacon, that's loco, you say. It's illegal.

Of course, if they're REAL professionals at hiding people from the Feds (and, by implication, others as well), who's going to find THEM?

deacon, May 25 2001

How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found http://www.amazon.c...002-5158417-9940045
As a do-it-yourself project. [Uncle Nutsy, May 25 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

Anti-Nowhere League http://www.hiljaise...unknet/antino_e.htm
Awful lot of hairspray for the "nastiest...ugliest...punk band of all time" [rmutt, May 25 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

French Foreign Legion http://www.info-fra...oz/legion/index.asp
Join up, get an I.D. in whatever name you wish [mrthingy, May 25 2001, last modified Oct 04 2004]

[link]






       Baked, but I'm not at liberty to explain....
globaltourniquet, May 25 2001
  

       You BB !!! You're the one who burnt down my home, raped my sister and stole her car ! Now I know where you are. Gotcha - you filthy .....
gregzeng, May 26 2001
  

       Taking what sounds like a thinly-disguised rant against having to pay taxes seriously:   

       1. If the agency has to (successfully) hide from the feds, how do their customers find them?   

       2. Why would anyone donate money to such an organization? You couldn't write it off your taxes; criminal entities- which this would be- are blocked from claiming charitable status. It'd have to be funded with user fees, which could get expensive for the users.   

       3. Once you got your new identity, you'd either have to either pay taxes under that new identity (or go back to square one) or live a life that attracts no attention from government financial bodies- that is, as a vagrant.
Uncle Nutsy, May 29 2001
  

       uncle nutsy: not necessarily. a friend of a friend of a friend of mine once told me about his friend's father, who immigrated here from europe during the immigration boom of the 60's. he never bothered to apply for a social insurance number and therefore the government doesn't even know he exists. he works out of his home, gets paid in cash, and pays $0 in taxes.
mihali, May 29 2001
  

       All enquiries c/o Lord Lucan.

Various South American governments have already perfected the method of making people vanish. I presume that this wasn't exactly what you had in mind?
DrBob, May 29 2001
  

       [Uncle Nutsy] You're assuming that the only reason people contribute to charitable organizations is to get a tax write-off. What if you legitimately supported the NL? A suitcase full of tens and twenties works very well as a contribution. I'm imagining here an underground organization that provides the same kind of service as in your link, just not do-it-yourself.   

       [DrBob] Well, various North American governments have already perfected the method of making people vanish too. Our Own Beloved Government does it all the time. But what if you were in fear of the government for a legitimate reason, having nothing to do with (your own) criminal behavior? (A crooked FBI agent for example, or CIA, or NSA?) Those guys would put you in fear of your life, and there would be no going to the government for help because they ARE the government. So we need an alternative, to protect us from the potential abuses of our own people. Perhaps a concerned and loving father wants the service, not for himself, but for his wife and baby daughter, for example.
deacon, May 29 2001
  

       How's the weather there in Montana these days, deacon...?
globaltourniquet, May 29 2001
  

       Hundred to one your name would STILL end up on some telemarketer's list...and somehow that same telemarketer would still know exactly when was the absolute worst time to call. Probably selling new identities.
braineddy, May 29 2001
  

       Which World Series was that? Probably one involving the Red Sox -- they always tend to disappear without a trace during the World Series...
globaltourniquet, May 30 2001
  

       Deacon: Well, why else would they contribute to this one? In large enough numbers to fund what would be a damned expensive operation, that is.   

       If it were philosophical objection to that darned government and its darned taxes, why wouldn't they disappear themselves and keep anything extra as cash? If I had a suitcase full of tens and twenties, I'd buy me a tax loophole, not give it to an organization that gets *other* people out of taxes entirely. Let them buy their own damn loophole.   

       Mihali: The story is certainly possible- illegal immigrants still do it all the time- but without a legal existence:   

       1. You'd be limited to cash-only careers, which are usually one or more of ill-paid, dangerous, or illegal. Being paid, or paying, unreported cash is itself illegal, your FOAFOAF's father's employers risked charges by failing to withhold payroll taxes.   

       2. Since landlords with decent properties rarely risk them on cash-only rents to insufficiently-traceable persons, you'd generally be forced to rent low-quality housing at inflated prices. You wouldn't be able to purchase property in most of the United States (property tax registers), and wouldn't be able to get a legitimate loan to do so anyway.
Uncle Nutsy, May 30 2001
  

       [Uncle Nutsy] I believe the way it's usually done is to go to the cemetery and pick out the name of someone who was born at about the same time you were, but who died as a baby--and go on from there, assuming their identity. . . .
deacon, May 31 2001
  

       If the Nowhere League truly was baked, we would never know it. But if it does exist it's probably funded by people like DB Cooper, who disappear after stealing a large amount of cash and are never heard from again.
ejs, May 31 2001
  

       Deacon: I'm pretty sure I understand the principle- I *own* a copy of "How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found" (it's on the same shelf as my Robert Anton Wilson stuff, of course). I just don't see how to make a business plan from it.
Uncle Nutsy, Jun 01 2001
  

       Another way to disappear completely and never be found is to soak yourself in a vat of 12 N potassium hydroxide.
mystic2311, Dec 08 2003
  
      
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