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The Pied Piper of Manchester

Follow me with my enticing nutter attraction...
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I'm sambwiches, and I am a nutter magnet.

*Quiet applause*

Good for you, sambwiches. We all know how hard it must have been to say that in front of the crowd. Rest assured you're among friends here. We all have the same problem and we're here to conquer it together.

I don't know what it is about me. I'm a normal person. I look normal, act normal and - *sniff* - yes, even smell normal.

My problem is that whenever I use any form of public transport I become a magnet - yes, a magnet - for the sad, huddled undesirable masses who choose to ride the buses and trains of my fair green land.

It happened just now. I was quietly reading the paper while on the way home from the city, and a strange man took it upon himself to sit with his corduroy-clad extremities pressed firmly against my own and recount his day, and in fact his entire life, to me - maybe in the hope that I would befriend him and take him on wild adventures.

I can only conclude that it's my face. I look friendly. Crazy people just love me. They can't help it. They want to touch me, chat to me and if possible have some of my sandwich.

I've always seen this as a curse - I will never enjoy the quiet relaxation of being lulled to peaceful sleep by the motion of the bus. If I do nod off, I will inevitably be roused by a short ginger scottish hobo attempting to cut my hair with his teeth.

However, I realise now that this is a gift. Just as freaks can find gainful employment in the circus, I can make an honest living from this.

I propose that public transport companies employ me and others like me, for there must surely be others who share my powers. We will ride the rail and road of our nation and attract the sad, lonely nutters away from other passengers.

For a handsome salary and private healthcare (to treat the inevitable skin conditions we will contract) we will allow passengers to feel safe in the knowledge that some other poor bastard is forced to listen to the mad prattlings of these unfortunates.

Think of the profits to be had! People will no longer fear the buses. They will abandon their cars by the thousands and ride public transport, if only to watch the newly-born in-ride entertainment we will provide. particular routes will become famous for the skill of the nutter-magnet. There will be league tables, TV shows and Movies of the Week to commemorate these modern-day heroes who bravely throw themselves on the Special Brew-soaked grenade of bus madness.

Thank you for your time.

sambwiches, Apr 01 2003

Nutter on the bus http://www.google.c...2&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8
129 hits on Google for the phrase "Nutter on the bus" - an old, tired comedy routine associated with Jasper Carrott but probably dating back to time of stagecoaches and highwaymen. [hippo, Oct 05 2004]

[link]






       It's good that you don't fall asleep. Last time I did that I was punched in the face.
waugsqueke, Apr 01 2003
  

       Could you extend the service to Sheffield. We too have our share of nutters who need containing and entertaining. I'll start the whip round now for your wages.
sufc, Apr 01 2003
  

       And Manchester would keep you fully employed for years!
oneoffdave, Apr 01 2003
  

       But who's going to listen to the mad prattlings of demented Halfbakers?
DrCurry, Apr 01 2003
  

       Hmm yes, for some reason I always seem to attract the incomprehensible guy in the supermarket queue who's buying a king-size bottle of White Lightning (cheap strong cider, for the unfamiliar). Combine this with my uncanny knack for choosing the slowest-moving till, and you've a recipe for lots of polite smiles & nods followed by a dash for the exit.
-alx, Apr 01 2003
  

       A heartfelt "Fuck. Off." works extremely well in these circumstances.
my face your, Apr 01 2003
  

       Totally explains how you bumped into here.
RayfordSteele, Apr 01 2003
  

       Not only do i *occasionally* attract nutters, i will occasionally start conversations with the more harmless-looking ones
good idea, by the way +
igirl, Apr 01 2003
  

       Finally I can access my idea (had to bus it into Manchester before I found a PC that worked, though - a huge risk). Hippo, while the phenomenon of the nutter on the bus may be old (and may even have evolved to suit the times - the nutter on the 'plane), I don't believe anyone has ever thought of using their madness magnetism as a means of gainful employment :-)   

       Besides, why are you calling the honourable Mr. Carrot tired? He is still at the cutting edge of British comedy :-)
sambwiches, Apr 02 2003
  

       -alx, so it was yooooouuuu!
I always point at my hearing aid & act like it's messed up. I'll frustrate 'em with "what, what, what?" and then *prove* there's a problem - all ya gotta do is pull the um, mold out a various amounts of wee bits - makes a whole scale of awful screeching sounds, etc.
Failing that, drool.
But there's no money in drooling, unless you're paid not to - albeit - sporadically.
thumbwax, Apr 02 2003
  

       Amusing stuff, sambwiches. Don't you find that the crazies really like to sit in the upstairs front seats?
sild, Apr 02 2003
  

       Great idea. Can this be extended to life on the streets other than just public transport?
saker, May 07 2003
  

       Yes [sld] they do, but only if there is no nutter magnet for them to sit with. I am also one of these for my sins and am still too nice to tell them to piss off even after years of trying. So [sambwiches] i sympathise and croissant you.   

       Nutters I have known:(met on more than one occassion, there have also been many many other brief encounters of the insane kind)
Bible woman : sits by me reading out loud( only the 10 commandments or revelations), pointing out the interesting bits and telling me that i'll go to hell.
Bottle boy: Talkative drunk who once actually pissed in a bottle while sat next to me on an express bus (and we all know what express means when linked with bus).
Workoutwanker: every time we met he sat by me , well more like ON me, and asked me where I worked out whilst staring fixedly at my funbags.
oldfriend: Met this guy around 4 times a week for 6 months and he always sat with me, how nice. Was convinced we'd gone to school together and that I knew all his friends and all about him and his family.Would tell me long stories of events concerning these imaginary mutual acquaintainces. Almost every one ended with him looking a little puzzled and saying " Oh, but I don't think you were there that day" and being a bit sad.
Funny Ernie: Known him all my life. Old guy who dresses in a scouts uniform and shouts orders to his (imaginary) troop, blows a whistle and sings stirring marching songs and also (youve guessed it) sits next to me on the bus.
Handbag Harry: Diminutive , harmless pervert who sits turned towards me, grinning without once stopping and asks me what color my knickers are.
Naughty Cars: Eco-nutter who I meet in the bus station but who always comes over for a chat. Hugely tall and thin with a massive Bob Ross style whitemans afro. Always wears lederhosen and walking boots and stands in the road shouting "Böse Autos" (naughty cars). there have been more, but these are the recurrent ones.
  

       Incidentally [sambwiches]has your nutter load increased in the last 5 years?? I used to live near manchester (england though?) too. Maybe we were job sharing and never knew.
squeak, May 07 2003
  

       Sweet.   

       I hear that nutter surpluses can be quite toxic - and you can't just make them go "away" - so how about repopulating towns without fools with nutters wrangled from areas with a surplus of them?   

       (in my boring, uneventful life nutter encounters are rare, maybe 1x/year - and I live in Chicago AND take the bus!)
timpestuous, May 07 2003
  
      
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