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Tree Softener

Softenery
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If there's one thing trees are well-known for, it is being made of wood.

Wood is useful stuff because it is reasonably rigid, and therefore can be used to build furniture, bridges, houses and, indeed, entire trees.

Howevertheless, there are times when wood's rigidity is a nuisance. For example, it is very difficult to effectively alter the shape of a 200 year-old oak tree to accommodate a new outbuilding or to fit in with the aesthetics of ones garden.

Fortunately, those nice men at MaxCo. have the solution - to be precise, a solution sold under the brand name of RubberTree. The solution contains a powerful cocktail of lignases and cellulases, made from sustainably engineered bacteria. Supplied also are a set of large spring-driven syringes and wide-bore needles.

To use, simply drill a series of 3/17th-inch holes at 1" intervals around the base of the tree, insert into each hole the needle of a syringe filled with RubberTree, attach the driving springs and wait.

Over the ensuing months, the enzymes will work their way through the vascular system of the plant, and will diffuse slowly into the heartwood. As they wring their magic, the tree will begin to droop. Once all the magic has been wrought, your majestic oak will be lying gracefully across the lawn like a banker on bonus day.

At this point, it is a simple matter to arrange the tree into a more pleasing configuration, supported by scaffolding, balloons or any other appropriate means. Once the syringes are removed, the tree will gradually begin to redeposit cellulose and lignin, at least in its outer layers, solidifying once again over the course of a mere few years.

MaxwellBuchanan, Jul 29 2014

Wall Softener https://web.archive...Softener#1220266495
[Spacecoyote, Jul 29 2014]

[link]






       Seems pretty good to me. To speed up the hardening process once you've achieved the shape you want, I'd suggest a dose of Treeiagra.
AusCan531, Jul 30 2014
  

       Or photos of saplings in slinky outfits, unless of course the tree is more into BBT.
not_morrison_rm, Jul 30 2014
  

       Mmm. Yes. This RubberTree stuff, could it be used on other wood? I have always found grandfather clocks to look far too rigid. They would be much better if suitably softened and flopped around in a deserted landscape.
mitxela, Jul 31 2014
  

       //clocks to look far too rigid//   

       May I suggest the works of Dali?
bs0u0155, Aug 04 2014
  

       Parton? Or Llama?
normzone, Aug 04 2014
  
      
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