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Vegan Salami

Dried, blended, extruded
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Looking at the remnants of salami and leftovers in the fridge and, thinks me, why doesn't anyone make salami from veggies? Dry the veggies, put 'em in a 'sausage machine' and squirt 'em into something like a gelatin capsule (and yeah I know some gelatins are made from animal parts; oh, well..). It'd be great, sliced, for sandwiches, hors d'ouvres at parties, etc.
Steamboat, Jun 23 2015

Destination - everywhere https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9kGHmIZ4IUY
[xenzag, Jun 24 2015]

Vegetable Roll http://www.homebutc...vegetable-roll.html
Take out the meat and animal fats to make it non-toxic and you have the perfect Vegan Salami [xenzag, Jun 27 2015]

Conjoined Anus and Pigeon. http://i.dailymail....5DC-479_634x456.jpg
As it is not obvious from the picture, the pigeon is the one on the left. [8th of 7, Jun 27 2015]

[link]






       This would work well, as long as you don't mind replacing the vegetable part with meat.   

       The thing about salami is that it is matured, aged and allowed to dry and ripen. There is no equivalent for vegetables. Or rather, there is, but the result would be gross.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 23 2015
  

       Salami making is basically a cheese-making process adapted to the specific needs of preserving meat, and some of the things done to it aren't the same things you'd do to adapt to a veggie.   

       Cure soybeans to get tofu; ferment milk to get yogurt. Both pretty squishy - in salami, you take pretty much all of the water out, but it's not left powder-dry because of the high fat content. If you removed the water from tofu or yogurt, there'd be not much left.   

       You probably wouldn't associate it with the salami family, but breads fit in this category as well.   

       Since it's difficult to get a vegetable fat to solidify and cure, you'll probably end up leaving the fat out, and applying it at the time of consumption. Like dipping veggies (or chips) in ranch dressing, or croutons in olive oil.   

       Of course, that means it's going to be really dry / hard; you can't leave it as big as a salami or you've just created a crowbar.   

       If I happen to get on an experimental food kick, I might just try something like this. Probably start with chickpeas (prepared like I was making hummus), add some sugar, some yeast - let stand for a while, then spread thin on a cookie sheet, cook enough to kill the yeast and dry the chips. Serve with avocado.
lurch, Jun 23 2015
  

       I'd be willing to try it. Doesn't sound really good, but it doesn't sound like it would make me puke either.
blissmiss, Jun 23 2015
  

       It's only step 1. Then, after you taste it, you think "hmmm - this might be good with ____" or "it would have been better if I ____"
lurch, Jun 23 2015
  

       …had beer.
Ian Tindale, Jun 23 2015
  

       I think what we're inventing here is wood.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 23 2015
  

       Compared to the term 'toxic muck' that aptly describes all processed meat products, I'd say this is quite a good idea.
xenzag, Jun 23 2015
  

       Maybe..... dehydrate, then somehow reconstitute with enough oil so it doesn't break teeth, adding enough spices so's it doesn't just taste like oil... colon blaster.
FlyingToaster, Jun 23 2015
  

       //'toxic muck' that aptly describes all processed meat products//   

       Ah, I see you have never been to France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Greece, Poland... in fact, where have you been?
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 23 2015
  

       Oh, and bacon.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 23 2015
  

       Actually, I think I may have stumbled upon a new rule for the internet.   

       Godwin's Law states that, sooner or later, in any argument, someone will mention Hitler, whereupon the debate is over.   

       I propose Bacon's Law, which states that as soon as anyone mentions bacon, vegetarians and vegans have no plausible option but to concede defeat.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 23 2015
  

       My bad english and the halfbakery....   

       I thought that "veggies" was a slang for "vegans".   

       And then, the idea and the annos became something really weird :-p
piluso, Jun 23 2015
  

       I propose Melon's which states that as soon as anyone mentions melons, meat eaters have no plausible option but to concede defeat.
xenzag, Jun 24 2015
  

       //where have you been?// see last link. Currently in Barcelona inspecting carrots.
xenzag, Jun 24 2015
  

       //Currently in Barcelona inspecting carrots.// The defence rests its case.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 24 2015
  

       // inspecting carrots //   

       We sincerely hope that's not a euphemism for something perverted and disgusting.   

       // mentions bacon //   

       Ahh, the Nuclear Option.
8th of 7, Jun 24 2015
  

       Brits and Americans arguing over food. The mind boggles.
RayfordSteele, Jun 24 2015
  

       I just wanted to contribute to this discussion by saying, "Vegan Samurai", and then walking away again.   

       I don't feel this adds particularly to the flow of the conversation, but at the same time, I'm not entirely sure that matters in this case.   

       // Brits and Americans arguing over food // haha - you may have something there - though it may be the case that we Imperial nations are uniquely placed to talk about food originating from places we've stomped over at some time in our history.   

       My favourite factoid about British Imperial Cuisine- is how we Brits introduced Curry (e.g. kare raisu) from India to Japan where it has become somewhat of a national dish - having mutated/Anglicised it along the way by means of our Naval cooks preparing the dish by making a roux containing curry powder and flour - rather than the more Indian method of frying down mashed onions and spices. The resulting sauce is distinctive and particular, yet it only appears in this form in Japanese restaurants and British Fish and Chip shops.
zen_tom, Jun 24 2015
  

       //Brits and Americans arguing over food.// As I am neither of these, that excludes me. I only take issue with meat eaters, as generally can't tolerate their smell, or attitude to animal welfare as all meat consumption involves cruelty to animals. As a vegetarian I claim supreme health, fitness and mental agility, as confirmed by the little fish who keep rising to the tiniest amount of bait dangled in front of them. One carrot, two carrots, three carrots, four cavorts. Ha!
xenzag, Jun 24 2015
  

       Meat consumption also causes cruelty to vegetables (the animals eat them). Vegetable consumption naturally causes cruelty to vegetables, but vegetable consumption also causes cruelty to animals (killed or displaced by farming and processing processes).   

       Perhaps we should just eat each other?
pocmloc, Jun 24 2015
  

       // I only take issue with meat eaters,// Oh, get over it. There's more of us than there are of you.   

       I don't like okra, but I'm happy not to make not liking okra my mission in life.   

       //As a vegetarian I claim supreme health, fitness and mental agility// ... and the moral highground.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 24 2015
  

       Yes! From up here the view over the lesser morals is stunning. I also claim that free coconut I just hit.
xenzag, Jun 24 2015
  

       Take what you like. I'm too busy eating my vealburger with foie-gras and larks' tongues.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 24 2015
  

       I've never had foie-gras tongue.
pocmloc, Jun 24 2015
  

       You've not lived.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 24 2015
  

       Force-feed a vegetarian his favorites, and then cut out his small intestine.   

       There's more Southern Americans than there are Brits, so I don't know if that argument works so well...
RayfordSteele, Jun 24 2015
  

       //I'm too busy eating my vealburger with foie-gras and larks' tongues.// Clearly a barley disguise eupanism for having anal sex with pigeons.
xenzag, Jun 24 2015
  

       //I'm too busy eating my vealburger with foie-gras and larks' tongues.// Clearly a barley disguised eupanism for having anal sex with pigeons.
xenzag, Jun 24 2015
  

       That too, and they make a tasty post-coital snack.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 24 2015
  

       // having anal sex with pigeons // - interestingly, this would be far harder than you might at once imagine, since pigeons (and all other birds, I suppose) lack an anus, instead boasting a "cloaca" or "vent", a single multi-use orifice that functions as external interface for both gastrointestinal and urogenital purposes. A Swiss-Army arsehole if you like, but strictly speaking, not an anus.   

       I suppose it might be possible to surgically attach an anus to a pigeon, and depending on how quickly you wanted to actually engage in such an unusual act of anal intercourse , you might have to perform the surgery yourself, as I'd imagine it'd be tricky (and certainly time-consuming) locating and persuading a suitably deviant veterinary surgeon to undertake such a procedure, considering it were for the sole purpose of engaging in the sexual abuse of said creature later.   

       But, each to their own I suppose.
zen_tom, Jun 25 2015
  

       From a nutritional point of view, fresh meat is much preferred to cured or processed meat. Also, it is considered far better if the meat is sourced from animals which have been fed their natural diet. On both these counts, vegan salami would be considered inferior.
pocmloc, Jun 25 2015
  

       //having anal sex with pigeons - interestingly, this would be far harder than you might at once imagine// That depends on how you look at it. Birds are very attracted to dark places that they can use as potential nesting sites, but better ask Max about all of that, as after the event, he seems to view them as a suitably prepared snack. Ha.
xenzag, Jun 25 2015
  

       //From a nutritional point of view, fresh meat is much preferred to cured or processed meat. Also, it is considered far better if the meat is sourced from animals which have been fed their natural diet.//   

       Possibly, but have you any evidence? I think meat _tastes_ better if the animal has eaten well, and I certainly think the animal is _entitled_ to a decent life, but I'm not sure there's any evidence that either of these seriously impacts on the healthfulness of the meat.   

       One case where processing is probably deleterious is when it used as an opportunity to pass off fat as meat, so that the food is higher in fat.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 25 2015
  

       Plenty of evidence that it is considered better; just look at the markup on “grass-fed beef” at the pretentious farmers markets.   

       I never mentioned that it actually was better.
pocmloc, Jun 25 2015
  

       Fair point.   

       (I'd still go for the grass-fed beef, though I don't think there's any other sort in the UK. I may be wrong, though.)   

       [EDIT] OK, a quick Google says that most UK beef is grass-fed (or fed on hay/silage in the winter). What is the point of feeding cattle on grain?
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 25 2015
  

       You're right, I think it's a US thing, probably a combination of a lack of good grazing, an abundance of grain, a strong grain producers lobby, etc.   

       Reasons why naturally-fed might actually be better include a much more nutritious and healthy fatty acid profile in the finished product, and the neccessity of supplementing the un-naturally fed animals with routine medications etc. traces of which remain present in the end product.
pocmloc, Jun 25 2015
  

       //lack of good grazing// 10 million square kilometres??? And 1/8th the population density of the UK? What is with these people?
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 25 2015
  

       You can dry your leafy vegetables if you want to. Lettuce and kelp can be salted and dehydrated. If you tried to apply the same process to a vegetable with a stalk, you'd probably end up with something that would be really stringy and unpleasant to eat. Chunky vegetables are best preserved through pickling.
Cuit_au_Four, Jun 25 2015
  

       // Lettuce and kelp can be salted and dehydrated.// So can grass cuttings and snot.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 25 2015
  

       //What is the point of feeding cattle on grain?// Just watch what happens to the price of your UK grass-fed beef the next time you get 344 sunny days in a year.   

       While working for the U.S. Forest Service, an uncle of mine was tasked with evaluating an area in eastern California for its ability to support grazing. His team's report opined that a cow "would need a mouth six feet in width and the ability to graze at 60 miles per hour in order to pick up enough food for bare survival." That was in 1955, not nearly so dry as current conditions.
lurch, Jun 26 2015
  

       //Just watch what happens to the price of your UK grass-fed beef the next time you get 344 sunny days in a year.// I will. It might be a while before I get back to you.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 26 2015
  

       This idea has more lives than one can possibly imagine.
blissmiss, Jun 26 2015
  

       // it might be possible to surgically attach an anus to a pigeon //   

       Baked. Totally Baked, and WKTE.   

       <link>
8th of 7, Jun 27 2015
  

       One of the problems with vegetables is that a lot of the nutrition in them is inaccessible to the human digestive system. This is why we cannot live on grass, for example.   

       However, there may be a solution. Just as passing coffee beans through the intestinal tract of a civet cat produces the highly sought after Kopi Luwak, so there should also be a way to pass things like grass through the intestinal tract of a herbivore to produce a partially pre-digested food suitable for vegetarians. I am thinking that a large, domesticated animal such as a horse might do the trick nicely.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 27 2015
  

       Baked and WKTE. Governments already have policies that involve feeding large quantities of horseshit to their citizens.
8th of 7, Jun 27 2015
  

       And then when it’s finished, we can go down to the supermarket and eat the horse.
Ian Tindale, Jun 27 2015
  

       //Baked and WKTE.// I was thinking more along the lines of vegetarian burgers.
MaxwellBuchanan, Jun 27 2015
  

       Yes, they're shit too, hence "Grilled and WKTE (unfortunately)"   

       // Cure soybeans to get tofu //   

       We thought soybeans were healthy ? Who wants a food made from convalescent beans ?
8th of 7, Jun 27 2015
  

       //a way to pass things like grass through the intestinal tract of a herbivore to produce a partially pre-digested food suitable for// isn't that how beef was invented?
pocmloc, Jun 27 2015
  

       Or, already mentioned in the body of the idea: //hors d'ouvres at parties, etc.//
pocmloc, Jun 27 2015
  

       Sorry, accidentally deleted my anno at the top there!
pocmloc, Jun 27 2015
  
      
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