Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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ViaMax

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MaxCo. has recently become aware of the new fad of on- the-line shopping, which is no doubt set to become jolly popular. At the same time, though, it seems to have its drawbacks. In particular, things which are designed to be cheaply shippable tend to require extensive assembly upon delivery.

MaxCo. has therefore launched its ViaMax service, with tie- ins to the Amazon, the e- Bay and other electronic retailers.

Simply tick the "Send it ViaMax" box when you order, and a modest (but not falsely modest) fee will be added. Instead of being sent directly to you, your purchases will be sent to MaxCo. Teams of highly-motivated, barely-paid minions will carefully unpackage your item and do all the things you would otherwise have to do yourself. Long handles on carpet-sweepers will be screwed together from their segmented parts, and additionally spot-welded together to enhance their utility. Flat-pack furniture will not only be assembled precisely using the correct torque on all screws and bolts, but will be discreetly reinforced with additional fixings and state-of-the-art adhesives. Plastic feet will be screwed onto convector heaters, executive office chairs will be fully and firmly assembled and batteries will be installed in remote controls. Unopenable plastic blister packs will be opened, their contents lovingly repackaged in boxes; endless quantities of expanded polystyrene will be recovered for recycling and replaced by a minimum of corrugated cardboard. Protective films will be peeled off smartphone screens, pointless plastic covers will be removed from plugs. Rechargeable batteries will be charged to fullness, ready to work.

When you receive the item (a mere 24 hours later than would otherwise be the case), it will be presented in a fully-assembled ready-to-go state in a minimum of unfussy packaging.

MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 14 2018

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       I didn't know you had minions [Max] (have you seen a doctor about it?), perhaps you can enlighten me on a small point, I've often wondered what species the little yellow tic tacs are, and where I can get some?
Skewed, Dec 14 2018
  

       He has a breeding colony of them in the dungeons of the North-north-east tower at the far end of the old south-west wing extension.   

       Oh dear ... not again.   

       Look, it's very simple. Yes, it's self-assembly, but really not that difficult. Put the cheese on the biscuit; put the assembled item in your mouth; eat.
8th of 7, Dec 14 2018
  

       Would prefer if all of the parts were fitted improperly or attached to the wrong items before despatching, so only a half croissant this time. 1/2+
xenzag, Dec 14 2018
  

       Well, there's no pleasing some people. But for you, [xen], I believe [8th] has a service that will satisfy.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 14 2018
  

       //it's very simple// No, it very isn't. First, there's the cheese. There are only seven cheeses really worth eating, most of them are hand-made only when it's a good year for the milk, and two of them are French. In each case, it's necessary to visit the respective cheesemaker, get to know his or her family, become godparent to one or more of his or her children, help with renovating their barn/cowshed/house, rescue their dog/cat/horse and then possibly, when the moment is right, hint at the possibility of desiring the opportunity to buy that year's cheese. Then there's the crackers, and don't even get me started on those, especially when negotiations have to be started even before one is confident of being able to obtain the particular cheese for which any given cracker is best suited. There are further problems in keeping particular rooms at the right temperature for eating a specific cheese. And we haven't even considered the necessary pairing with wine/port/spirits/beer. So don't "very simple" me.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 14 2018
  

       You need to get more in touch with your Inner American ... there's only one sort of cheese* in America, and one sort of cracker (but in two different sorts of packaging, to perpetuate the myth of "consumer choice").   

       * Or wax. Or plastic. Or adhesive. Or wood filler. Or ... well, multi-purpose conformable pale coloured substance thought (but not necessarily proven) to be largely non-toxic.
8th of 7, Dec 14 2018
  

       That's unfair, [8th]. Some of the finest artisanal cheeses in the entire world come from the United States. Cheesemaking there goes back generations, and has developed in a multitude of region-specific ways, each with its own charm and qualities to delight the palate.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 14 2018
  

       No, wait - I was thinking of Italy.
MaxwellBuchanan, Dec 14 2018
  

       Easy mistake to make - they're both run by secretive, corrupt, exploitative criminal organizations ... in fact, the same one.
8th of 7, Dec 14 2018
  
      
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