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"Sorry I Missed Your Funeral" Cards

Perfect for when you're late seeing the late
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All sorts of problems can happen on your way to a funeral; car accident, bad traffic, giant dinosaurs, invading aliens, maybe you just don't like the person. Well show them you care (even if you don't) with our special "Sorry I Missed Your Funeral" Cards. Made of our special un-biodegradable paper, it's sure to make anyone's heartwarm. Unless they died by a heart attack. Then what happens isn't our fault.
Karzan, Nov 29 2000

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       Good idea. It's like Yogi Berra one said:   

       "Always go to other peoples' funerals. Otherwise, they won't come to yours."
BigThor, Dec 06 2000
  

       Surely it should be "Sorry I missed your funeral" flowers?
Jim, Jan 22 2001
  

       Jim: In which case the flowers delivered should be decayed the number of days between the funeral and their arrival.
iuvare, Jan 22 2001
  

       By the time I got around
To sending you this card
You were six feet underground
In a very, very big yard
I wasn't at your hole they dug
So I didn't get to say
To your now departed mug
I never liked you anyway
thumbwax, Jan 22 2001
  

       thumbwax:   

       That's great! DId you write that? I was just thinking about sending a card that says "I'm sorry you're dead." I dunno--too sentimental, maybe?
rachele, Jan 22 2001
  

       Great idea, but what about also making reply slips so that you can really freak out the sender of the card? Glad you missed my funeral, We had a real laugh, but now I'm gone, I'd like to say, You made me want to Barf!
Ivy, May 24 2001
  

       Everybody has to die
Funerals make me squirmy
In your eternal trunk
You Rest in Peace
Now you're all wormy
Every little chunk
Though I didn't get to say goodbye
I made it with your niece
thumbwax, May 24 2001
  

       Going to the chapel, and we're, Gonna get buried, Going to the chapel......
Ivy, May 24 2001
  

       what about "sorry I caused your funeral" cards?   

       i'm always killing people - accidentally of course.
benfrost, May 24 2001
  

       They'd be useful for Procrastination Man.   

       Actually, no, he'd never get round to sending them...
CoolerKing, May 24 2001
  

       Sorry about your road smash, but you thought it was a game, You went had to much to drink, so you've got yourself to blame, But now they've hosed you off the road, and you're well and truly dead, you can pass the time on the other side, with that jigsaw that was your head.
Ivy, May 24 2001
  

       Sorry to hear you carked
it. Hope you're not narked
that I parked
outside your palatial home in Berk
shire.

And ran over your cat.
Which wasn't going to live, fat
as it is, very long anyway.

I am more concerned with eating
the cake
at your wake
than pretending to celebrate
your fleeting
time on this earth when your constant whiny bleating
was all I bloody well remember about you anyway.
lewisgirl, May 24 2001, last modified May 25 2001
  

       Sorry this card is late. They raised the postage rate.
melanerpes, May 25 2001
  

       Missed your funeral, missed your wake,
If you weren't dead you'd think I was a real flake.
I'm sorry I pushed you off the cliff; You fell and broke your back.
Hey! Just Noticed: Your girlfriend looks really hot in black.
hippo, May 25 2001
  

       as the bells pealed
slow yet instantaneous
from the chasm
of the church
and the riderless horse
made his way
some hearts broke
through the park
by the lake
with its flowers
your wife squealed
and I simultaneous
during our orgasm
our kisses besmirch
after intercourse
as we smoke
in the dark
before we take
our showers
thumbwax, May 25 2001
  

       Sorry I missed you,
You thought I'd forgotten?
About it I feel like,
Your corpse: just plain rotten.
MrWrong, May 25 2001
  

       This reminds me of a Nightcourt episode. The undertaker who was arrested trying to put the FUN back in FUNeral. Corpses were discovered wearing tee shirts that said "I'd rather be breathing." And coffins were found with bumper stickers that said, "Yesterday was the last day of the rest of my life."
grackle, May 26 2001
  

       Ode to Him   

       He lived, he lied; He laughed, He died. He drank, he smoked; He stank, he croaked.   

       He dipped, he dived; He even beehived. He knew, he nixed-- He got deep-sixed.   

       He crept, that creep; He oozed around; He slept, He sleeps-- Six feet down.   

       He's dead, He's gone; He was a dolt. He never saw that Lightning Bolt!
zaphod12, Nov 01 2001
  

       For the "I couldn't come to your funeral coz I'm already dead" cards:   

       Now weary traveller rest your head, coz just like me you're utterly dead.   

       This was just a sad excuse to crowbar in a red dwarf qoute really.
kaz, Nov 01 2001
  

       Perhaps one of those annoying cards that play beepy electronic music upon opening. I can imagine nothing more dreary than the funeral dirge rendered by microchips.
Farrod, Nov 01 2001
  

       I'd use them... but I'd NEVER put a stamp or a return address on them...let the Post Office just try and get the postage due from the deceased ;)
Ala, Jan 13 2002
  

       Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Sphagnum is Peat
And so are You

P.S. Please try to maintain your decomposure
thumbwax, Jan 14 2002
  

       Or perhaps...."Youve donated your liver and spleen, To a poor cancer-ridden teen, And your kidneys, they plan To give to an old man, Who gave away his to the Queen   

       Your heart, a repairable device, Was packed to keep cool in some ice, I was promised your brain, But theyd shipped it to Spain, But I guess your pancreas will suffice."   

       And include a $20 bill.
obsessive_doodler, Dec 03 2002
  

       But where would these cards be delivered?   

       Perhaps coffins with postage slots could be constructed.   

       Or gravestones could have letterboxes attached.
Actually, no forget that - they'd fill up with junk mail.
  

       Anyone else worried about these cards being returned unread 'addressee deceased'?
Loris, Dec 04 2002
  

       //And include a $20 bill.//   

       Rather, a $20 check. Made out to the deceased.
namuh, Dec 04 2002
  

       How about 'Welcome to My Funeral' cards?

I see you've got your best suit on.
You've come here from afar
I'm sorry it's a wasted trip.
I don't know who you are.

or...

The tears role slowly down your face,
Your vision is a fog.
But save it, you won't get a thing,
I left it to the dog.
DrBob, Aug 29 2006
  

       Sorry I couldn't make it
To your funeral yesterday
I missed the bus, my leg dropped off
I'd flu, to my dismay
  

       My boiler sprang a gas leak
My dog ate my black coat
Both wheels fell off my bicycle
And rolled into a moat
  

       But the others all were there I hear
Tom, Sue and Uncle Bill
I s'pose you know they only came
To ask about the will
  

       But I'm different to that callous bunch
And comforted, my dear
By the carriage clock and candlesticks
I stole from you last year
  

       Sadly missed
Squeak
xxx
squeak, Aug 29 2006
  

       Lovely [sqeak]!   

       But what do I care? . I'm not going to his funeral, because he won't be going to mine.
Dub, Aug 29 2006
  
      
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