Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
h a l f b a k e r y
Alas, poor spelling!

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email opener

Like a letter opener but for emails
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A turned wooden handle (prefereably yew, with a beeswax polished finish) has a brass rod extending from the end. At the end of the brass rod is a little brass hand with an extended, downward curling finger. The tip of the finger is inlaid with some kind of capacitancing stuff so that the finger will actuate touchpads and capacitative touchscreens.

Verdant

pocmloc, Mar 20 2013

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       Just get your staff to open the emails, edit them for grammar, spelling, format and font, print them out and place each one in an envelope. You can then have the pleasure of receiving a luscious stack of uniform envelopes to be opened in the conventional manner.
MaxwellBuchanan, Mar 20 2013
  

       Printed? Really? I thought you'd have them hand calligraphied on vellum.
scad mientist, Mar 21 2013
  

       The old scrivenor woulda, but he quit in that parchment-in-fax-machine debacle. The new one - well, she's probably spending most of her time trying to work out the problems of animated-LOLcat-gif on onionskin.
lurch, Mar 21 2013
  

       You laugh [MB] but I once had an email correspondence with a wealthy and influential 90-year old lady, and this is exactly what happened. Her replies were punctuated with asides by the transcriber about how her handwriting was unclear at that point.
pocmloc, Mar 22 2013
  

       [+] love it.
sqeaketh the wheel, Mar 22 2013
  

       Dear Sir:
I hope this communication finds you well. I am Mr. Dramane Yadi, I work in the Accounts/ Operations Department of a Prime banks here in Abidjan Cote D'Ivoire. I actually have an urgent and very confidential business proposal for you. I got your contact from Internet and decided to contact you immediately...
RayfordSteele, Mar 22 2013
  

       Well, as long as it can be designed with the same "impromptu murder weapon" cachet as the old letter openers...
normzone, Mar 22 2013
  

       Super luxuriousness for those with time on their hands. +
blissmiss, Mar 22 2013
  

       would yew believe it...   

       //Dear Sir: I hope this communication finds you well.   

       Where's the rest of the email? You're just keeping it all to yourself...
not_morrison_rm, Mar 23 2013
  
      
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