Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Quis custodiet the custard?

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quuch-quuch-qchk-qchk aid

a DIY anti-choke heimlich manoeuvre device
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for the lone eater who has the nasty experience of something going down the “wrong way” ; resulting in desperate choking and gasping for air. there is no one to thump you on the back or perform the heimlich manoeuvre to save your life.

there are only seconds to spare here and we only get one shot at removing the chunk of food from the trachea. desperate times call for desperate measures.

1. pull down loft type ladder. 2. climb up to top. 3. remove wee hammer from its easy-release holder on the ceiling next to the q-q-q-q aid. 4. break glass protective shield on front of emergency q-q-q-q aid box. 5. unfold q-q-q-q aid which is in the form of a leather harness with pressure points in all the anatomically correct places. 6. put harness on and adjust buckle at side. ensure that the front pressure point beneath rib cage is secure (this is very important) 7. attach bungee jump cord to hook in ceiling – come on, come on – time is short. 8. jump from top of loft ladder, in an upright position – bungee rope breaks fall, just above ground level – giving just enough pressure from force of fall onto the pressure point beneath ribcage to heave all the internal organs upwards and force blockage from wind-pipe.

normal breathing is resumed. put equipment back tidily for the next time. finish meal.

po, Sep 07 2002

How to give yourself a Heimlich http://www.the-office.com/cpr.htm
As noted by bliss, no special equipment needed, though I'd move fast if I were you, you've probably got thirty seconds before you pass out. [DrCurry, Sep 07 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]

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       A chunk of croissant for you. In case this qx4 didn't work, can I send for your DIY tracheotomy kit by express delivery?
FarmerJohn, Sep 07 2002
  

       sweet. No sale to depressives, hopefully.
General Washington, Sep 07 2002
  

       [not for use by children] Croissant with pre-drilled safety ventilation hole.
st3f, Sep 07 2002
  

       when I did a quick search before posting, I came across that chair thing in an idea by Farmer. that was a new one on me. however the 4 x Q aid is much gentler and bruising is kept to a minimum and no chance of flattening the dog (who you may or may not know is going blind and tends to get in the way a lot these days)
po, Sep 07 2002
  

       Blissmiss; When I took a first aid class, they taught self-Heimlich as 'make a fist, extend thumb. Wrap other hand around fist. Put thumb just below breastbone, and either shove as hard as you can, or push against table or wall as hard as you can.'.
StarChaser, Sep 07 2002
  

       would you show me that in finer detail?
po, Sep 07 2002
  

       <urban legend>
He passed out lying in his garage's doorway and the automatic door kept pounding on his stomach and rebounding due to the pressure sensitive safety mechanism. After about 40 blows to his stomach the barbeque chunk was dislodged.
</urban legend>
reensure, Sep 07 2002
  

       But first, unlock security trunk using combination lock, and remove red wastebasket. Place wastebasket over bullseye painted on floor. Be sure to face wastebasket when jumping.
phundug, Apr 21 2004
  

       I thought the Heimlich had been superceded by lateral chest thrusts, and was being discouraged in first aid courses...?
Detly, Apr 21 2004
  

       Nicole Kidman could have done with this...
xaviergisz, Apr 22 2004
  

       1 - Get ball hammer on right hand (or in left when you are zurdo) 2 - Place index finger of left hand over hard surface (or index finger of right hand, if you are...that) 3 - Smash index finger of hand not holding hammer with same, violently and repeatedly, as necessary, until screams unblock air passage   

       De nada. PD.: you guessed I'm zurdo, eh?
finflazo, Apr 22 2004
  

       well, perhaps I should have thought of that alternative method...
po, Apr 22 2004
  
      
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