h a l f b a k e r y
Warm and Fussy
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Let me begin to commence by starting with the
observation that I am not in favour of drink-driving. For
one thing, if you can find your car (let alone the ignition),
you are not taking your drinking seriously.
Having said that, I was recently breathalysed for the first
time. It was a spot-check
and, to my embarrassment, I
scored 0.00 on the breathalometer.
This event gave me the opportunity to spot a loophole (or
"loop-hole", but strangely not "loo-phole") in the
procedure. The Very Nice Policeman handed me a little
plastic package with a white plastic mouthpiece in it. He
asked me to open the package, and then to insert the
mouthpiece into the breathalometer before blowing into
it. I presume there is some law that says that only you can
handle the mouthpiece. Likewise, after the test, I was
asked to remove and retain said mouthpiece.
If I had been (a) drunk and (b) prepared, I could have
passed the test using a little sleight of hand. All that is
needed is an identical-looking mouthpiece, containing
One option would be an inline charcoal filter. The myth
that activated charcoal in your mouth can fool the
breathalyser has been busted, but a tightly-packed inline
filter ought to be able to do the job.
||//to my embarrassment, I scored 0.00 on the breathalometer.//
||Keep a small spritz bottle of whiskey on hand, to be liberally applied to the face as well as a few shots across the gums while the officer is walking up to the vehicle.
||You might not fool the machine but, if the spirits are of poor enough quality or vintage, breathing heavily into the bobbie's face could get you some paperwork.
||//Keep a small spritz bottle of whiskey on hand// I
do that anyway. I just felt it would have been more
supportive to the policeman if I'd scored something
closer to a win for him.
||I know someone who was taken to a police station for drink
driving and managed to eat one of those toilet cubes
(napthalene?) that used to be commonplace hanging in
men's urinals as fresheners . He was having a pee under
police supervision, but still managed to grab the horrible
object then crunch it up and swallow the bits. In his mind
he thought it would ruin the subsequent blood test. It
didn't of course. I am not making up this story.
||~Don't eat the big white mints!~
favorite restroom graffiti I ever read
||//... and managed to eat one of those toilet cubes (napthalene?) //
||Let's hope not napthalene. Given that the jar we have in the lab has the orange warning logo with the dead tree and fish: " Very toxic to aquatic organisms, may cause long-term adverse effects in the aquatic environment". Probably not the best chemical to flush into the sewer.
||[Max], you failed to explain why the Very Nice Policeman
was breathalysing you, rather than your driver.
||Good point, [lurch]. My drivers all have one week's
holiday every N weeks, where N is a different prime
number for each driver. Unfortunately, this means
that there is one week in N1 x N2 x N3... when all my
drivers are on leave. Just my luck it was this week.
Shouldn't happen again for about 784 years.
||Anyone using this method will have to practise their drunken slight of hand which is a couple of magnitudes harder than normal slight of hand.
||In the case of Spanish police (based on recent
experience), it's enough to shout "Look! Tapas!" and
point. That gives you several seconds of time to play