Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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I Can't Believe It's Not Toast.

Simulated cold toast
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(+10, -4)
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Those who prefer their bread slices lightly toasted are often disenfranchised by the wrong-minded dark toasters whose toasty preference is irreversible when unintentionally administered.

Toast that is too light for whinging charcoal eaters can always be burnt to their satisfaction. However, there's simply no way to reverse, or reason to eat darkened toast. Surely all the calories have been consumed, and whatever other meager nutrients already been destroyed.

Dark toast eaters are a scourge, and light toasters should keep their bread slices away from slots where the others' have been.

I Can't Believe It's Not Toast is for those who enjoy toast, but rather distance themselves from those whose aim it is to destroy perfectly good toast. Simply by spraying or spreading this rapidly hardening agent on the surface of sliced bread, something akin to lightly toasted bread can be achieved.

I imagine it to be something like edible glue, or perhaps a desiccant of some sort that dries the surface.

rcarty, Feb 14 2011

This would probably do it http://www.screwfix...Wood-Hardener-500ml
[hippo, Feb 14 2011]

Toast, the song http://www.youtube....watch?v=WJmKStqugMc
[not_morrison_rm, Feb 14 2011]

Wikipedia: Shellac http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shellac
Only excretions from the lac insect are fine enough for this product. [rcarty, Feb 19 2011]

Single use self-destructing toaster Single_20use_20self-destructing_20toaster
Any time, any place, anywhere ... except perhaps gas stations [8th of 7, Feb 19 2011]

//couldn't you use an electrically heated knife?// - not_morrison_rm http://www.engadget.../05/toasting-knife/
- perhaps you could. [Loris, Aug 13 2015]

[link]






       eww! glue? If I burn my toast, I just scrape some of the burnt part off and there is perfectly good toast under the black ashes!!
xandram, Feb 14 2011
  

       Really disgusting [+]
pocmloc, Feb 14 2011
  

       I'm slightly confused as I have always considered that one of the prime factors in determining whether bread has been magically transformed into toast, is that it is warm; thus enabling the interfacing of various spreadable substances with the bread via the process of gooey meltiness. So the concept of *cold* toast, other than as a consequence of not being able to eat any more toast this morning, I wish I hadn't made so much of it today, seems a self-contradictory one.
DrBob, Feb 14 2011
  

       Is this like the clay application that traditional Japanese master sword-smiths used to apply to the edges of their blades prior to forge-hardening them - so as to get these areas to cool/heat more slowly, allowing a finer crystal lattice to form within the high-carbon steel, and hence enable the metal to take and hold a keener edge?   

       By applying this glue to differing areas of the toast, you might be able to control its entoastment to a similar degree, resulting in toast that is both moist, but which still holds a crunch and can incapacitate a man at arm's length.   

       DrBob - on cold toast - it really should, as any gentleman ought to know, be served vertically, having had the opportunity to steam for a minute or two - the crispness of the outer edges is softened slightly by the escaping steam, forming an almost caramelised texture. Not flaky and crumbly, but a kind of crisp plastic, something that will allow both a crunch, but leave behind a pattern capable of supplying forensic analysis of the consumer's dental pattern, post-bite.   

       The gooey-meltiness is an enjoyable artifact of consuming still-hot toast, but it fades into insignificance when compared to a well cured round of springy luke-warm toast.
zen_tom, Feb 14 2011
  

       // wrong-minded dark toasters whose toasty preference is irreversible when unintentionally administered. //   

       If you only knew the Power of the Dark Side ...
8th of 7, Feb 14 2011
  

       Bun for the name alone. [+]   

       Why not use some binary mixture that thermally activates to toast the surface when combined? It would have to evaporate after heating up the bread or be tasty enough that the residue wouldn't "put you off" as the English say.
doctorremulac3, Feb 14 2011
  

       // binary mixture that thermally activate //   

       Edible thermite ...... ahhhhhhhh ....
8th of 7, Feb 14 2011
  

       baked
pashute, Feb 14 2011
  

       If you only knew the Power of the Marmite…
Ian Tindale, Feb 14 2011
  

       Marmite is Evil and must be Destroyed .... by being spread thinly over fresh toast, and eaten ...
8th of 7, Feb 14 2011
  

       This would go great with "That's Not Yogurt".   

       I'll see if I can find the link.
doctorremulac3, Feb 14 2011
  

       marmite AND cheese - awesome.
po, Feb 14 2011
  

       what [poc] said
Voice, Feb 14 2011
  

       [Po}! How could you! It's cheese AND marmite!
pocmloc, Feb 14 2011
  

       [Po}?   

       [po]!   

       does it matter which is on top?
po, Feb 14 2011
  

       //Simply by spraying or spreading this rapidly hardening agent//   

       couldn't you use an electrically heated knife? Or one that runs on propane for people out camping, could double as a hair curler.
not_morrison_rm, Feb 14 2011
  

       //does it matter which is on top?//   

       Yes!!!!   

       And amn’t I allowed to be creative with capital letters and curly brackets? I don’t know, what is the world coming to....
pocmloc, Feb 14 2011
  

       Is it just Us, or is there an echo in here ... ?
8th of 7, Feb 14 2011
  

       Wow. Something akin to toast bondo. I'm one of the "scourge" subset, preferring mine burned. Escpecially good is day old and cold, spread liberallly with room temp butter.   

       But I bun this idea for it's creativity.
normzone, Feb 15 2011
  

       [pashute] wins.
mouseposture, Feb 15 2011
  

       [po] //does it matter which is on top?// It does when there is a rapidly hardening agent involved, as mentioned in the idea.
xenzag, Feb 15 2011
  

       hot cheese and hot marmite are probably equally slippy.
po, Feb 15 2011
  

       How exactly did you come by that information ? No, on second thoughts, we don't want to know ...
8th of 7, Feb 15 2011
  

       years of experimentation but yeah, the detail is probably wrong for this time of day.
po, Feb 15 2011
  

       //as any gentleman ought to know//

Oh yes, right you are guv!
DrBob, Feb 15 2011
  

       [couldn't you use an electrically heated knife?]   

       Someone will probably put in one of those long initialisms in about this annotation, but in the newer film of the Hitchiker's Guide there is one of these on Zaphod's ship (don't know if it is electrically powered though).
TomP, Feb 15 2011
  

       //wrong-minded dark toasters//   

       Are you sure it's toast you are wanting? What you are calling toast seems more like stale bread.
MikeD, Feb 16 2011
  

       At first I thought this said "I Can't Believe It's Not Goat"   

       That would make a funnier commercial.
doctorremulac3, Feb 16 2011
  

       //wrong-minded dark toasters//   

       of course, this could shed a revolutionary new perspective on what dark matter is made of..
not_morrison_rm, Feb 16 2011
  

       //dark matter //

Ain't no such thing. It's just what we accountants call a 'figure needed to balance'.
DrBob, Feb 17 2011
  

       I've always preferred my toast laden with dark, charcoal-esque carcinogens, preferably smothered with cheeses and meats of various descriptions. This is primarily just to get the cheese or butter to melt faster and more optimally without the use of toast-sullying microwaves, however, and I do prefer my toast on the lighter side when meltable condiments are not to be applied. However, this is just gross, period.   

       ...And if you have sliced bread that's not already charcoal, why not just toast it, without sullying the purity of Almighty Toast by mocking it with your weird, pseudo-toast dessicants?
Hive_Mind, Feb 19 2011
  

       That question leads to the idea's inspiration. I share a toaster with others, and we have grown annoyed at each other's toast preferences. I turn the regulator to light, they turn it to dark, I turn it to light, they turn it to darker, I turn it to light, they turn it to the dark burning flames of Hell I read about in Joyce. That's why I want an alternative to the toaster. They are upset that they have to toast twice, but once my toast is burnt it's irredeemable.
rcarty, Feb 19 2011
  

       //it's irredeemable.//   

       Nonsense, my boy. It's been purified by fire! Your heathen bread is left teaming with sinfulness when lightly toasted.
MikeD, Feb 19 2011
  

       Is my breed teaming, bread teaming, bread teeming, breed teeming with sin? One can never be so sure in dealing with typos.   

       A temporary recipe for I Can't Believe It's Not Toast:   

       One measure of shellac.
One measure of alcohol as solvent.
One measure of liquid smoke.
  

       Apply and ignite.
rcarty, Feb 19 2011
  

       //teaming with sinfulness //   

       I've always wanted to team with sinfulness. But I suspect you meant "teem".
MaxwellBuchanan, Feb 19 2011
  
      
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