Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Instant Life Experience

And you don't have to do anything.
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If your vapid, insipid existence is a constant reminder of how little people actually like you, simply berate others and act like you're better than them by forging a remarkable and opulent past for yourself, based on other people's ideas, experiences and anecdotes.

This is an instant fix - all you need is one phrase. This is it:

"I've seen/heard/done that years ago."

There you go. It fits any occassion. If you're feeling inadequate because the postman is telling you what fun he had in Bangkok last March, just say "I done that years ago," and slam the door in his face.

That young whippersnapper at the office getting everybody's attention with bright new ideas? Simply stand up in the middle of his or her presentation and bellow "I heard that years ago!".

You don't even need to qualify yourself. If anybody questions you, just wave your hand irritably, look grumpy and storm off.

Nobody will like you any better, but everyone will think you're multifacted and well-versed for at least three minutes.

kpx, Sep 14 2001

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       I done that years ago.
Guy Fox, Sep 14 2001
  

       What a coincidence. I was talking over this whole 'fake existence' thing with my billionaire benefactor. My conversation was cut short by news that the private jet flight to Fiji was canceled because I was getting late: the playboy bunnies were understandably restless and well, you know what a luxury jet full of playboy bunnies can be like! <chortle chortle> Moral of the story? Be very careful when hiring a limo driver, tardiness is a tragedy that affects us all.
sdm, Sep 14 2001
  

       I find that crying "baked" works just as well.
pottedstu, Jun 20 2002
  

       Baked!
Voice, Apr 24 2008
  
      
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