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Mechanised Sex Harness

Takes the hard work out of the sexual act
  (+2, -8)(+2, -8)
(+2, -8)
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We live in a world where everything is mechanised and automated. We travel in cars everywhere, buying through drive-through windows; our cars have power steering and powered windows, requiring very little muscle movement. At home, our televisions, air conditioners and lights are remotely controlled, so we don't have to get up to change them. Most people work in offices, sitting in front of a computer all day. By technology, physical effort has been made unnecessary.

One exception to this trend is the conjugal act. Whilst one can earn one's paycheck, spend it and enjoy the goods bought with it with a minimum of effort, one cannot as yet have sex in such a way. This problem is compounded by the fact that the effortless life is making people unused to effort, and thus making the sexual act relatively more strenuous to a sedentary population. The health consequences of this could be grievious: from a declining birth rate (albeit correctable with artificial insemination) to the psychological effects of sexual frustration on a mass scale.

A motorised sex harness would solve this problem by mechanically assisting the sexual act. The harness would consist of two halves, one for each party involved. The participants strap themselves in, and activate the machinery; the sturdy mechanisms do the rest of the work, moving the two halves together and apart. The speed and proximity would be controllable by the users with easily accessible joysticks.

A deluxe model could have TV screens displaying pornography individually tailored to each participant to facilitate arousal. Another option is for an intravenous Viagra drip, metered by negative feedback from erection sensors.

acb, May 07 2002

[link]






       if you really want to put your back out, try the front seat of a fiat
po, May 07 2002
  

       hmmmm . . . this *would* have some appeal to necrophiliacs
quarterbaker, May 07 2002
  

       I'd go for one that helped me play the saxophone.
Dog Ed, May 07 2002
  

       Every jazz band wants a saxophone player that has to be buckled into his mechanized sex harness before each gig, I'm sure. I think the mechanics involved would be better suited for trombone though.
spartanica, May 07 2002
  

       sax harness, surely?   

       or maybe it's a jizz band....   

       (maybe that's too risque?)
yamahito, May 07 2002
  

       Go to your room [yamahito].
spartanica, May 08 2002
  

       Ye cats and little fishes. A Sax Harness would just strap onto your hands to help you master that difficult instrument. I just meant that I would be more likely to use a Sax Harness than a Sex Harness.   

       Though the jizz band is kind of thought-provoking.   

       No, wait, I take back that thought. And that one too, that nasty little thought that just slipped out...
Dog Ed, May 08 2002
  

       How about a mechanized idea writing harness?
bristolz, May 08 2002
  

       I think some people are already generating ideas mechanically.
pottedstu, May 08 2002
  

       We WILL see this in the future, along with the aging of America. What a boon for the older lover with arthritis! I thought of it years ago.   

       Actually, Catherine the Great thought of it years ago...
spriteidea, May 08 2002
  

       This would actually be quite useful for paraplegics. Take back your fishbones!
mrthingy, May 08 2002
  

       If the idea was cast as a sex harness for paraplegics, with the sorts of accomodation that such people would need, then I might take back my fishbone.
bristolz, May 08 2002
  

       reasonable point mrthingy, but the idea itself only mentions "the sedentary population" which I take in context to mean 'lazy fat people', not even 'glandular illness related fat people'. So I think the fishbones stay. [and bristolz beat me to it!]
sappho, May 08 2002
  

       It was my understanding that the majority of paraplegics would not be able to make practicle use of this invention... I'm not going to go into why.
yamahito, May 08 2002
  

       Not always, yama. Depends on the cause of the paralysis.   

       Harnesses as sexual aids to para/quadraplegics are baked, thingy. Damned if I can find a link, though.
waugsqueke, May 08 2002
  

       *Sproing Sproing*
"Oh Baby, Oh Baby"
*Sproing Sproing*
Aaaaiieeeeaaaaaaahhhh
*Sproing Sproing*
"That was beautiful"
*Sproing Sproing*
ZZZZZZZZZ
*Sproing Sproing*
"Honey"
*Sproing Sproing*
ZZZZZZZZ
*Sproing Sproing*
"It's getting everywhere, hand me a tissue"
*Sproing Sproing*
ZZZZZZZZ
*Sproing Sproing Sproing Sproing Sproing Sproing*...
thumbwax, May 08 2002
  

       That's the last time I'll try to collect honey whilst in a sex harness listening to Britney Spears..
yamahito, May 08 2002
  

       /How about a mechanized idea writing harness?/

Baked by [Blaise] and some sort of text-search-driven-thingy.

In fact, the sex harness is pretty well baked also. (See US patent class/subclass 128/845-846 for a start.)
X2Entendre, Feb 22 2003
  

       And they thought all of that practice riding a mechanical bull was simply wasted effort.   

       "Honey, Let's crank this thing all the way up to nine next time. Yahoo!"
RayfordSteele, Feb 23 2003
  

       [thumbwax], you made me laugh out loud at work. I'll get you for this.
snarfyguy, Feb 23 2003
  

       I actually saw something like this in a Philippines motel room, out in the stix.   

       One room had a gyno chair, stirrups and all. Another room had a single seat swing chair.   

       <shakes head>   

       <sigh>   

       And I had nobody to share it with....
FloridaManatee, Feb 24 2003
  
      
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