Half a croissant, on a plate, with a sign in front of it saying '50c'
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Planetary species audit

Time for a tidy up.
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There are billions and billions of species of plants and animals on the planet.

Why ?

It's appalingly inefficient. And most of them are nasty creepy crawly insects, infectious diseases, or parasites of one sort or another.

This is not good enough. It's messy, wasteful, and confusing. Thousands of hours of time are consumed cataloging and identifying all the myriad forms of life.

The obvious answer is to audit the eintire biosphere. A number of aseptic environments would be created. Into each storage area, DNA samples from all "authorised" species would be stored - in sufficient variety to give a workable gene pool. Unwanted, surplus or duplicate species (mosquitos, tapeworms, the malaria parasite, cats and the French) would of course be ruthlessly excluded.

These "arks" would then be transported out into space; others would be buried deep undergound. All human life would be frozen in cryochambers and packed away in a similar manner, leaving just a few technicians in nice white lab coats to complete the process, on time and under budget of course.

Once all the people are away, the Earth's magnetic field would be "shorted out" by putting it bteween the poles of a huge horseshoe magnet to divert the magnetic flux. This will resut in the entire surface being bathed in intense cosmic radiation, sufficient to sterilise all reminaing infestations. Some life forms at the bottom of the deep oceans may be fortuitously screened from the cleansing rays of the sun, but these will be dealt with by dropping gigantic Steritabs into the sea at regular intervals.

After the planet has been cleaned up (which might take a few years), the magnet is removed and the atmosphere allowed to restabilise. The now sterile land surface is revegetated using "clean" plant specimens grown hydroponically from the saved DNA by the men (and women) in white coats. Then, the selected animal life is reintroduced.

Thus the whole planet will be returned to a "Garden of Eden"-like parkland, with no nasty creepy crawlies or diseases.

The huge magnet, now no longer needed, will be used to steer streams of charged particles to enhance the Auroras during the Northern and Southern polar winters.

8th of 7, Oct 10 2002

Wasps http://www.landcare...owaways/faq.asp#q11
All you ever wanted to know but were really afraid to ask. [PeterSilly, Oct 11 2002, last modified Oct 21 2004]

[link]






       Le Français doit mourir.
Interestingly, if one uses the (Beta) Google Translator to translate from French to English...
Croissant > Growing
thumbwax, Oct 10 2002
  

       Who makes the decisions about the flora/fauna that stay?   

       This could be the opportunity for someone to eradicate felines from the face of the earth.
Jinbish, Oct 10 2002
  

       //There are billions and billions of species of plants and animals on the planet. Why ?//

Because the French haven't got 'round to eating them all yet.
DrBob, Oct 10 2002
  

       // Who makes the decisions about the flora/fauna that stay //   

       The people in the white coats - they know best. We can trust them. Can't we ?
8th of 7, Oct 10 2002
  

       thumb: which Frenchman?   

       and croissant is the pres. partc. of croitre, to grow. So called, according to one theory, because the crescent represents the waxing moon.   

       Latin: crescere, to grow.
General Washington, Oct 10 2002
  

       "Thus the whole planet will be returned to a "Garden of Eden"-like parkland, with no nasty creepy crawlies or diseases."
And which the whitecoats decide to repopulate themselves, leaving the rest of us in the freezer (or in orbit around Jupiter). After all, who needs hairdressers or phone sanitizers?
phoenix, Oct 10 2002
  

       // who needs hairdressers or phone sanitizers //   

       People with bad haircuts and dirty telephones, one would imagine ......   

       // We need to exorcise the spirit of Vernon from the corporeal presence of 8/7. //   

       Hmm. Tha reminds me. I have a good idea for a full scaleable 256-bit RISC microprocessor architecture using multiple address and data busses to shared memory for highly pipelined pseudo-parallel vector computation.........
8th of 7, Oct 10 2002
  

       And then you find out, too late, that one of the white coats has the uncommon cold.
FarmerJohn, Oct 10 2002
  

       //thumb: which Frenchman?//
All
thumbwax, Oct 11 2002
  

       Reminds me of an old Twilight Zone episode, starring Vic Morrow I think. Guy hated the world, hated people, blah, blah, blah, woke up one day and he was the only person left in the whole wide world.
ty6, Oct 11 2002
  

       ty6: Wasn't that the guy that spent all his time reading? After a nuclear war, he wandered around the wasteland until he overjoyed, happened upon the ruins of a library. Then his reading glasses fell off and shattered.
FarmerJohn, Oct 11 2002
  

       It seems to me that sometimes, some halfbakers are perhaps just a wee bit inebriated when they post their ideas/annotations. I see nothing wrong with getting drunk, opening up, and letting loose, from a distance, with one's halfbaked ideas. But. Is it allowed for a halfbaker to wake up sober, see what was written under the influence by same self, and laugh at it? Or is it a rule that one must defend whatever one said at some previous time under whatever conditions to the very death? Just wondering, and off again to the safety of my burrow.
rabbit, Oct 11 2002
  

       UnaBubba's family must have a tough time ....
8th of 7, Oct 11 2002
  

       You guys... ...both of you now...   

       <wink>
hollajam, Oct 11 2002
  

       Rather than doing this entirely "unselectively", we should determine the usefulness of each species and allow their survival based on that. House flies for example - what on earth do they do? Tapeworms? The influenza virus? And why just the French? Why not the Portugese? They're all out for themselves without any idea of the bigger picture. Any species that cannot justify their existence by proving that they make the world a better place should be terminated.   

       I just have a sneaking suspicion that humanity would be forced to terminate itself.
PeterSilly, Oct 11 2002
  

       // who needs hairdressers or phone sanitizers // This was already dealt with in Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy wasn't it? But on the same basis we could collect up all the nasty species and put them in the "arks" that get sent into space. Obviously much more humane and would use a lot less Cif. First into the ark - wasps.   

       <PS> Whadya got against the Portugese - just come back from a trip to Lisbon - nice people. And you can still buy roast chestnuts on the streets. Obrigado.
TwoSheds, Oct 11 2002
  

       // Whadya got against the Portugese ....nice people //   

       Seconded .... they make nice wine, and Port .... and they fought with us against the French in the Peninsular War .... no, the Portuguese get a space in the "C" Ark, I say.   

       // wasps //   

       Scheduled for Termination with Extreme Prejudice.   

       // why just the French //   

       They were the most obvious first choice to suggest.
8th of 7, Oct 11 2002
  

       <Sigh> "wasps" = social insects of the genus Vespa, but, actually, now you mention it .......
8th of 7, Oct 11 2002
  

       //Whadya got against the Portugese - just come back from a trip to Lisbon - nice people// - Ok, comedic value only. Except that all they eat is fish. Went on a business trip to Lisbon for three days with my ex-boss - she was allergic to all forms of seafood, and nearly died of starvation. At least the French eat other kinds of food, even if they don't cook it properly.   

       Also, 8th, I did think of eliminating wasps but, unfortunately, they are useful in that they eat other, often destructive insects. Therefore they do have some use. However, they could do with discriminating a bit more. I mean, do I look like a larvae?
PeterSilly, Oct 11 2002
  

       FJ; possible, possible, just possible, my way back machine fades in and out with that scene, vaguely. Possible possible, just possible, I think that was one of Daffy Ducks taglines.
ty6, Oct 11 2002
  

       Speaking as an accredited man in a white coat, I think I'll take my chances with the French.
DrCurry, Oct 11 2002
  
      
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