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The Stinkless Fart

Remove The Stink Before Release
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This technique has always seemed obvious to me, but since even my own bright children were skeptical of it, I will attempt to explain it here, as I explained it to them. (They call me the Master of the Stinkless Fart.)

When you feel a bit (or a lot) of flatulence building momentum, simply remove--withhold--the offensive odors before you allow it to pass. People in your vicinity will appreciate the resonance and timbre (who doesn't?) without the miasma.

This takes lots of practice, as I've told my kids, but so does playing the French horn, and that doesn't stink, does it? (I say to them, and now to you).

Boomershine, Oct 03 2010

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       [marked-for-deletion] it's not working.
FlyingToaster, Oct 03 2010
  

       I can't believe I'm writing this, in my defense I'm really tired right now:   

       Activated carbon suppositories.
MechE, Oct 03 2010
  

       [MechE], brilliant! In one swell foop, you have saved the day for flatulent people everywhere! [Boomer], the problem I had with it was I didn't see the HOW. Please share this bun with [MechE] as he seems to have helped you pull this idea back from the brink of MFD extinction... [+]
Grogster, Oct 03 2010
  

       When I mentioned practice, I meant LOTS of practice. My kids are still working on this.   

       [MechE] Fatigue definitely makes this technique more difficult. Get some rest.
Boomershine, Oct 03 2010
  

       I will admit that the technique is not easy to explain let alone teach.   

       It's something like whistling and humming, only you don't hum...or like inhaling cigarette smoke (don't do this), then speaking without allowing the smoke out.   

       Tuvan throat singing might give some insight.   

       I have never resorted to carbon (or any other) suppositories (which is not to say these would not help).
Boomershine, Oct 03 2010
  

       //activated charcoal// See other ideas in category.   

       You could always put activated charcoal in the french horn.
bigsleep, Oct 03 2010
  

       //You could always put activated charcoal in the french horn.//   

       You could, but I do not think it would affect your farts...but, perhaps I am wrong about this.
Boomershine, Oct 03 2010
  

       I hesitate to ask, oh who am I kidding, no I don't...Where does the smell...go to?   

       Just to clarify... This technique doesn't involve a flame near the exhaust port, does it? That does rather neatly take care of the smell; however, it has been baked beyond a burning cinder by teenage boys since the discovery of fire.
Grogster, Oct 03 2010
  

       //Where does the smell...go to?//   

       It is neatly packaged in solid form, expelled later.   

       //This technique doesn't involve a flame near the exhaust port, does it? //   

       Not in my house. No. I'm not saying flames don't work. They are just so...conspicuous.   

       Anal ventriloquism is another, but very different approach, to odiferous flatulence I have employed to good effect. You 'throw' the blame (the audio portion of the broadcast) to someone else in the room. This is for when you are having trouble keeping the stink out. (It happens.) But, I digress.   

       Surely most HBakers have heard of Indian yogis who can slow their heartbeats? Ever read instructions for this feat? Stinkless farts are comparatively simple.
Boomershine, Oct 03 2010
  

       This must be tested.   

       Methane, being odorless until otherwise effluvioused, should still ignite. As I have yet to hear of another test subject... ye must git ye to a bowl of chili and a lit tinder man! Science awaits!   

       //This must be tested.//   

       Of course. Practice, then test your skills on your children (for instance).   

       I never said 'anyone can do this.' Some clearly cannot.
Boomershine, Oct 04 2010
  

       I'll bun that [mech]
Voice, Oct 04 2010
  

       I'm still confused about this: [MechE] actually considered this seriously? - (although he was tired...)   

       CH4 (methane), isn't the problem, it's analogs/homologues of SULFER which produce the smell; HS (hydrogen sulfide) being the worst culprit. (Rotten egg smell...)   

       Activated Charcoal (C) anal filters? Naw, I have an even Better, Surefire solution to ram up your butt!   

       Vodka Enemas! I swear, if you ream out your colon with an almost lethal dose of vodka, you won't notice any smelly flatulence! Others may, but you won't! (Ass-uming you live...)   

       . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .   

       Butt seriously folks [-]
Wily Peyote, Oct 04 2010
  
      
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