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What Pants Should I Wear?

app for iStuff
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[The Alterother] has a problem: he doesn't know what type of pants to wear today. For the answer, he turns to his iPad.

"O magical omniscient picture-telling window," he queries, "what pants should I wear today?"

The iPad, which has learned to cope with its owner's constant, frustrating demands, quickly downloads, installs, and opens the What Pants Should I Wear app (from AlterNet World-Domination & Web Design inc., $3.99 at iTunes Store). After collecting and analyzing a number of variables, including gender (male), age (30- something), mood (grumpy), nation of birth (USA), outdoor tempurature (friggin' cold), present location (right here), expected activity level (I got some stuff to do), presentability (N/A), chance of precipitation (20%), chance of fire (89%), chance of rhinoceros (.07%), and, of course, is your wife around (no), the iPad helpfully informs [The Alterother] that he should wear Finnish Military seyntex KL-type torjua/apuohjelma dungarees, OD green, size: 82x90 (European), the pair with the mended tear on the thigh, not the pair with the oil stains.

[The Alterother] bows respectfully, burns a small effigy of Bill Gates, and puts his pants on.

Alterother, Dec 20 2011

THe Empress' Tired Attire The_20Empress_27_20Tired_20Attire
[theircompetitor, Dec 20 2011]

The Church of No-Pants The_20Church_20of_20No-Pants
All your answers can be found here. [tatterdemalion, Dec 20 2011]

Churchill Crocodile http://en.wikipedia...Churchill_Crocodile
Happiness is ... 1800 litres of petroleum products under high pressure. [8th of 7, Dec 20 2011]

Cleaver Pants http://www.chrismcl...2008/03/c_o_w_2.jpg
NSFW [Klaatu, Dec 21 2011]

[link]






       The blue velour ones.
calum, Dec 20 2011
  

       What's wrong with the oil-stained ones if the wife isn't around?
RayfordSteele, Dec 20 2011
  

       Y-fronts? Boxer shorts? Y-fronts? Briefs perhaps? Commando?
pocmloc, Dec 20 2011
  

       11% odds that Bill won't light?   

       I would recommend that it be able to use the camera to decide if this shirt goes with those pants. Some guys having defective color receptors, and others having a certain tone-deafness about spectral interrelationships.
lurch, Dec 20 2011
  

       // What's wrong with the oil-stained ones if the wife isn't around? //   

       89% chance of fire (effigy-burning excluded). [The Alterother] always considers flammability when selecting garments. Oil- or fuel-stained pants are reserved for non- combustible activities, such as skiing or holiday dinners with the in-laws.   

       The wife-presence factor is a useful tool in predicting the likelihood of idiotic activities. If T.G.F.J. isn't home, it behooves [The Alterother] to wear heavier-duty clothing to field the inevitable shrapnel.
Alterother, Dec 20 2011
  

       // burns a small effigy of Bill Gates, //   

       Immediate vast flour-based leavened comestible for that alone.   

       // What's wrong with the oil-stained ones //   

       Nothing, if the oil in question is a large drip from the engine of a Spitfire Mk IX in the flying hangar at Duxford, in which case said oil stain becomes not a disfigurement but a matter of pride, and the subject of a solemn blood oath never, never to ever wash the now-sanctified garment.
8th of 7, Dec 20 2011
  

       All stains are souvenirs. The one I took from Duxford is on a pair of Carrharts; rubber from a tire of a PBY, where I sat for a few minutes just taking it all in.
Alterother, Dec 20 2011
  

       I quite like the oil stained ones with the funny deep engineer type pockets...
po, Dec 20 2011
  

       You should seek professional help. Immediately.
8th of 7, Dec 20 2011
  

       A pants idea.
mouseposture, Dec 20 2011
  

       Just fall to your knees and than the Deity of your choice that they don't come with a pole attached to the back ...   

       // 11% odds that Bill won't light? //   

       "Bring forth the Wicker Man ... and the Crocodile ..." <link>
8th of 7, Dec 20 2011
  

       Well I think you should invent a pair of iPants that will change with your moods...
xandram, Dec 21 2011
  

       /use the camera to decide if this shirt goes with those pants/ That would be a tricky app. I think it would depend very much on ambient light.
bungston, Dec 21 2011
  

       Pants? We don't need no steenking pants! On the other hand, this seems like a natural for any pants aficionado...   

       <GROG walks off, mumbling about commandos>
Grogster, Dec 21 2011
  

       Ah yes, didn't notice the fire odds.
RayfordSteele, Dec 21 2011
  
      
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