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When you need something done, without anyone really
knowing it's being done or who's behind it.
An agency, comprised of men and women who've gone a
bit beyond the law perhaps. Nondescript, obscure,
shadowy... they even drive the most popular make of
car; wear clothing so bland it's impossible
it and never pay with credit cards or shop where cash
Small, unimposing and therefore non-threatening. "Tell
him Gatehouse sent us", might be the only interaction
they have with you.
Need your former business partner's garden turned into a
smoking ruin in the dead of night?
There'd be an advantage to having your dead-beat dad's
holiday account emptied into your school book account?
Need your dog walked, vigorously, at 2am?
Call the FLMA. We'll remember what we have to do,
if you and we testify in court that none of us are aware
of it ever being ordered.
No records are kept; no tales told.
water melon shark
[not_morrison_rm, Jun 06 2012]
||I like it, but you'd probably end up doing a lot of mindless,
||This reminded me of an 'experiment' I tried years ago: I set
up an anonymous email account, then put up an ad on
Kregslist that read "Problems Solved, No Questions Asked."
||The only response I got was from some guy who wanted to
||You needed to do more advertising?
||Probably the kind of problems us Craigslisters have don't match up with the solutions you could deliver. I, for example, bought a refrigerator with two keg tapper fixtures, a CO2 tank and some lines and such from the 'list this weekend.
||Now if you could figure out how to get it into my spare bedroom, that would be a problem solved.
||I really just did it to see what kind of responses I'd get; I
set up the anonymous email so that I wouldn't get caught
up in anything that I couldn't back out of. I chose Craygzlist
because it was around the time that the press was going
apeshit about the online prostitution scandal, and there
was all manner of speculation about what other scandalous
activity might be taking place on such 'unregulated'
websites. I thought I might get people with interesting or
unique conundrums, and also those who wanted something
immoral or illegal done. I even fantasized that I might get
proactive cops or sleazy journalists trying to entrap me in
some concocted misdeed.
||But, to both my amusement and disappointment, all I got
were repeated messages from this guy trying to convince
me that he had 'the skills that it takes' and that I really
needed him 'on the team'. He never asked what kind of
problems 'we' solved (he seemed to have formed the
impression that I was actually a group or organization), nor
did he specify what his 'skills' were. I'm pretty sure he
thought he'd be joining the A-Team or something. It
probably broke his heart when I let the ad expire and
canceled the email account. Even now, I imagine him
sitting at the end of the bar in some shabby watering hole,
telling anyone who will listen about his 'shot at the big-
||[normz], that's easy, you just mount the taps on the door
the kegs go inside the fridge with long enough lines to let
the door open all the way--if you use the tall, skinny
kind from soda fountains, you can fit three standing up and
build a bracket to mount a fourth horizontally above them.
Then you disconnect the thermostat from the freezer and
put the CO2 tank in there, drill a hole for the CO2 line
through into the fridge compartment and seal it with spray
foam, and install your gang valve on the wall or ceiling of
the fridge (get the clean-out kind with the inspection
window so you can tell if it's iced up). The soda-fountain
taps (available from restaurant supply stores or websites)
come apart into two pieces, so just disconnect the tap
heads and wheel the whole thing through the door with a
||Remember to close the CO2 tank's head valve and bleed
the pressure from the main line when you're not using it. A
30-lb tank will fit diagonally into a standard-sized freezer
compartment, unless it has a bulky ice-cube maker, which
you'll have to remove in that case. In addition to the
convenient dimensions, a couple of other advantages to
using the soda-fountain kegs are that you can de-
pressurize them very easily, and they have large hatches
on the top, making them very easy to fill, empty, and
clean. You can buy used ones for about $35, but bring
along a tank and some soapy water to check for leaks
before you hand over the cash; they're the one component
you don't want to purchase online.
||Geez guys, I just wanted someone to take to the
owner of the local gym with a pick handle, because
he's a jerk who rips off his staff and his customers.
All this talk of beer fridges in spare bedrooms sounds
like hard work.
||No worries, we'll just call in the FMA to do the heavy
||Won't they arrive 5 days late? Oh, sorry, that's FEMA.
||"wheel the whole thing through the door with a hand truck"
||[Alterother], I'm truly grateful for the detailed advice, and I'll stand you to a growler if you get out this way, but my problem is that even without the doors on it won't fit through the doorway and around the dogleg turn. Apartment life...
||I'm thinking refrigerator on the patio with the taps mounted in the window.
||Now, if those were faceless little men, there'd be a [+]
||I wasn't sure whether I wanted to make them "little"
when I first posted.
||I have no copyright...damn now I have to bun you...<starts rummaging around for a bun>
||Bun is such a sad word, is it not?
||Particularly when it resembles a croissant... unless
it's a faceless little croissant, of course.
||They're easier to swallow when they don't have
||I was trying to find a pic of one of them Japanese fish chopping boards, which has a fold over bit, so you don't have to look at the face while you're chopping it up...but I found the watermelon shark instead.
||It's much more amusing..see link.
||Hey! That guy doesn't have a face!