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Most modern greeting card reasons ("sorry your meeting has been cancelled" etc.) can just as well or better be handled by electronic greeting cards.
But there is one modern occasion that just cries out for postal or hand-delivery, and that's greetings to a remote co-worker whose Internet access is
cut off by a defective DSL line and insufficient tech support resources of their provider.
I propose a line of "Get Reconnected Soon" greeting cards
and products for this occasion.
"Compost Is Brown,
Roses Are Red,
Small Feathers Are Down,
And So Is Your Net."
Other gifts for the occasion:
- a bottle of champagne or wine with a card "Here's something else for you to unplug";
- a book with mock instructions stressing its wireless operation;
- any "unplugged" music CD;
- a gift set of stationary with preprinted fields and checkboxes for IP headers, together with a copy of RFC 2549 and a bag of breadcrumbs.
[link]
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or flowers with the heads off |
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I see a personal delivery option.
Vivacious docents pushing a 'crash' cart filled to overflowing with word puzzles, rock candy jacks or jackstraws, cool towels, a margarita blender. Then, an impromptu "Kids go to work day" is made possible by cooperation with schools. |
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Big downer -- when the all-clear "file at will" notice signals everyone should return to normal. |
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we're all very sad to hear,
your high speed link is down,
just use your dial-up if need be,
to prevent withdrawal from the bakery |
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A card depicting a blank screen and an empty appointments calendar, with a little message appended, "Courtesy of your local Taliban franchise" |
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Carrying on the theme to other areas: |
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I tried to ring you up today
when I thought you'd be at home,
then I heard a voice say
you no longer have a phone!
(Gift suggestion: Two tin cans and some string) |
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I'm leaving you, dear roommate,
I've finally had my fill,
they cut off our electricity today,
because you didn't pay the bill.
(Gift suggestion: A box of votive candles) |
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I was eager for our dinner date,
but I guess I'll have to pass,
since you can't use your stove or oven,
as they've cut off your gas.
(Give suggestion: Jiffy-pop popcorn and a can of Sterno) |
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Gift-wrapped mail-order catalogues for all your newly disconnected co-worker's favourite online shopping sites.
A radio. |
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An SLR camera, a portable darkroom with requisite chemicals, plenty of paper, envelopes, stamps, and a pen to write the address.
To substitute for your webcam. |
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Well, hello there, what can I say?
It's great to see you back,
To the way things were yesterday,
On the information goat track. |
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Farewell to Office and XP Pro
There's something we'd like to say,
By now I guess you already know,
You won't be going *there* today. |
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So you don't have power, or gas or a 'phone?
Aww shucks pal, that's a real shame,
We'd call 'round and see you in person,
But we've all forgotten your name. |
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Back here in the office
our work now shows promise
Our network's just singin'
'cos you're not dialling in
But I bet you're forlorn
now you can't surf for porn. |
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With great dispair and forlorn,
you've finally been of computer shorn, |
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a virus download with nudes of Beth,
has brought you the
Blue screen of death |
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You might as well cheer them up by snail-maliing them some porn. |
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I'm sad to hear your link is down
But you haven't missed a lot.
I did your surfing for you
And this is what I got!
[Enclosed 404 screenshot]
[One to send to the worker in the next cubicle]
Oh shame and woe!
You're stuck off-line
Your link is down
And so is mine! |
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The net is our cool water.
My spirit drinks deep.
But your well now has run dry. |
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