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under-bed (and elsewhere) scary monster probe

for children obviously
  (+18, -6)(+18, -6)
(+18, -6)
  [vote for,
against]

children are sophisticated these days and well aware of what technology can do for them so when they are feeling a little scared of the dark or wake up from a bad dream, this reassuring little gadget will soothe their fears.

a wand, such as harry potter might own, that when waved in any potentially unpleasant location, scans the area for: sudden drops in temperature, vibrations of either the earthly kind or the other sort, unexplained noises, bumps, groans or heavy breathing with or without a whiff of bad breath.

when the scan is completed successfully with no hidden malevolence or evil found, then a loud, cheerful, pre-recorded all-clear is sounded (possibly a ring-tone of the child's choice).

warning - not to be used around hand-dryers.

po, Aug 24 2008

[Phoenix]'s classic. hmmm, try saying that five times fast. Boogieman_20Forensics_20Kit
[2 fries shy of a happy meal, Aug 24 2008]

Randy's scary monster http://www.hiarchiv...tent=script&s=5&e=8
[Ctrl]+F then "Cut to Randy's room, 3:03 a.m." [Klaatu, Aug 26 2008]

Chihuahua Vacuum Chihuahua_20Vacuum
Keeping the world safe for Shih Tzu. [8th of 7, Aug 27 2008]

Night of the Lepus http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0069005/
Horror movie about Giant Rabbits. Not at all scary. [8th of 7, Aug 31 2008]

[link]






       Can also be used to check the safety of the dark kitchen when fetching bottles at 03:00.
wagster, Aug 24 2008
  

       (+)
Previous art. [link]
  

       A Hairy Potter under your bed?   

       Yikes!
skinflaps, Aug 24 2008
  

       ah but, phoe's is a toy!
po, Aug 24 2008
  

       Should give false positives once in a while to incite fear.
Bcrosby, Aug 25 2008
  

       I bun it...although I think it encourages the childhood belief in monsters under the bed and in the closet.   

       I would get one of these myself...but we have a Chihuahua...it would be going off constantly.
Blisterbob, Aug 25 2008
  

       "ah but, phoe's is a toy!"
Is not! It's full size!
phoenix, Aug 25 2008
  

       How can it tell whether a noise has been explained or not?
pertinax, Aug 25 2008
  

       let me explain it to you...I imagine that there is a database of normal household noises e.g. the 3rd step on the stairs that creaks, the noise the cat makes when someone stands on his tail.   

       phoe, let me re-phrase that...
po, Aug 25 2008
  

       Can't this detector be built into a cell phone?
phundug, Aug 25 2008
  

       why would you want that?
po, Aug 25 2008
  

       //but we have a Chihuahua...it would be going off constantly//
In that case, change the setting from "irritating" to "scary"
coprocephalous, Aug 26 2008
  

       Or, along with your Scary Monster Probe, purchase an item from the BorgCo range; the Chihuahua Swatter, the Chihuahua Harpoon, or the Ride-On Chihuahua Roller (Also available mail order. Chihuahua not included).
8th of 7, Aug 26 2008
  

       ...and, of course, the hand cranked Chihuahua Press (also available for other small mammals).
DrBob, Aug 26 2008
  

       <adjusts under-bed (and elsewhere) scary monster probe to take DrBob in to consideration>   

       oops, I think something just exploded.
po, Aug 26 2008
  

       <tries to quietly slacken off Chihuahua press without any HB'ers noticing>
8th of 7, Aug 26 2008
  

       Keep cranking that thing! There's at least three chihuahuas left. We must drive out the evil!
ye_river_xiv, Aug 27 2008
  

       <Throws [ye_river_xiv] a bag containing a bottle of Scotch, three spare mags of 5.56, two cans of corned beef, a set of kebab skewers and a large wooden mallet>   

       "C'mon son, you want to live forever ? Let's go get 'em !"
8th of 7, Aug 27 2008
  

       chihuahuas do not represent scary monsters and have no relevant place on this idea. stop it!   

       what 4 twats boned an idea for comforting human children? I'm ashamed of you.
po, Aug 27 2008
  

       Not us.   

       And Chihuahuas are horrible yappy little bulgy-eyed non-dogs. Real dogs have noses. Real dogs do not have ears like furry venus fly-traps. Real dogs do not fit inside George Foreman grills.   

       Even yorkshire terriers are more likeable than chihuahuas, and that's saying something.
8th of 7, Aug 27 2008
  

       so we agree - now shut up!
po, Aug 27 2008
  

       And then theres those children who are genuinely scared of Chihuahuas... why can't we think of them? They are the perfect monster, nobody ever suspects the dog... ever!   

       This idea could have uses in horror movies as well (I wonder what would happen if you strapped one of these things to a zombie...?)[+]
xxobot, Aug 27 2008
  

       New batteries of course.
tsh!
  

       // an eerie silence from the detector ? //   

       That means that the monster is .... BEHIND YOU !
8th of 7, Aug 28 2008
  

       i want the taser variety for probing for the girls' boyfriends du jour. Of course there's the cheapass variety: tape the cat to a broomstick; just before poking it under the bed, shake it up so it grabs the first thing it can (monster's face or something)
FlyingToaster, Aug 28 2008
  

       //Should give false positives once in a while to incite fear.//   

       An occasional false positive is necessary to prevent the more astute child from realizing it's all a hoax. In case of monster detection, the probe could display a menu of anti-monster countermeasures, thus giving the child a sense of empowerment.
ldischler, Aug 28 2008
  

       //the probe could display a menu of anti-monster countermeasures//
As any movie buff or six year old child knows, the only effective monster countermeasure is a flamethrower, which is going to make a mess of their Toy Story II bedspread.
coprocephalous, Aug 29 2008
  

       //flamethrower//   

       Could be substituted by a fairly powerful xenon flash (ex - dispsable cameras).
neelandan, Aug 29 2008
  

       I'm cool with the flamethrower
Mr Burns, Aug 30 2008
  

       how ironic!
po, Aug 30 2008
  

       If it could detect spider activity as well, I'd surely buy one!
blissmiss, Aug 30 2008
  

       Use a Chinchilla on a stick, and check for absence of fur and loud sneezing; unless it's a monster Chinchilla under the bed, of course.
Ling, Aug 31 2008
  

       // unless it's a monster Chinchilla //   

       It's hard to envisage even a monster chinchilla being in any way scary......... they're vegetarian.........even a three metre tall chinchilla could be easily distracted with a few sacks of hay and food pellets ......
8th of 7, Aug 31 2008
  
      
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