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Duck Discriminator

If you're not sure whether it is or not.
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Tunnel shaped box containing three systems integrated to answer the "Duck Test" questions. Firstly a video imaging system to determine "does it look like a duck yes/no". Secondly an audio pickup with sound recognition to determine "does it quack like a duck yes/no" Third section can be done using either gait recognition or pressure pads in the floor to determine "does it waddle like a duck yes/no" The system can then process the duck (or notDuck) What happens to the fowl next depends on what you want it for. If all you want is a determination of the duckness of the item, a large lighted sign can go off above the box saying "DUCK". If you are sorting items, a two way exit can be arranged, with a spurious fowl ejector on one side, and a duckpond on the other ( or automatic Chinese duck pressing plant). A boon for short-sighted waterfowl farmers everywhere.
unclepete, Mar 12 2004

Does it have a 17 inch penis? http://www.abc.net....epublish_366856.htm
"Dr Kevin McCracken of the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, and colleagues, report [...] that they have found a specimen of the Argentine lake duck (Oxyura vittata) that has a penis as long as its body - nearly half a metre long." [kropotkin, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

(?) Wood ducks do not quack http://sites.state...._notes/woodduck.htm
Other reports indicate a cry of "pe-e-e, pe-e-e, pe-e-e". [kropotkin, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

All sorts of ducks http://animaldivers...tidae.html#Anatidae
Great site, will give pics and sounds for some of the types [unclepete, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]

Oldest Penis, Largest Penis http://www.telegrap...12/05/ixportal.html
The Ostracod : Small, but well endowed. [jonthegeologist, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]

[link]






       Utterly quackers. +   

       By the way, only female ducks actually quack loudly. The males just mutter quotquotquotquot under their breath. Kinda like my fella.
squeak, Mar 12 2004
  

       No, but they do have abnormally large penises. Which might also be factored into this, especially if their quacks prove indistinctive. And might I take this opportunity to use the phrase "cloacal kiss", which I try to work into conversation at every possible opportunity. (Most birds are dickless and copulate by a cloacal kiss where sexual openings are pressed together. Long-donged ducks and other waterfowl - and ostriches for some reason - do it like mammals on the Discovery Channel.) (Linky-poo.)   

       Also, I'm told that wood ducks don't quack. (Less-sensational link.)
kropotkin, Mar 12 2004
  

       The lighted sign should read "MUST BE A DUCK".
waugsqueke, Mar 12 2004
  

       If spurious waterfowl are ejected in the direction of the operator, the sign should also read "DUCK".
squeak, Mar 12 2004
  

       Thanks [waugs] I missed that one. <mutters under breath>Quotquotquotquot<mub>
unclepete, Mar 12 2004
  

       Thanks [squeak], you're the first to make me laugh today.
yabba do yabba dabba, Mar 12 2004
  

       People going out to see clients for for presentations, software demos, etc. where I used to work were always asked to take the "Arse/Elbow Differentiator". Similar technology.
hippo, Mar 12 2004
  

       enter one sample of Clinton>>> sign reads "Chicken"
krod, Mar 12 2004
  

       [squeak] - you made me laugh a great deal with that one :)
phundug, Mar 12 2004
  

       Quak? :)
silverstormer, Mar 12 2004
  

       qvak
lintkeeper2, Mar 12 2004
  

       // <fascinating fact> Bragging rights for 'longest penis in relation to an organisms size' goes to the barnacle.<ff> //   

       sorry [toejam], I think the answer is the ostracod [link attached]
jonthegeologist, Jul 16 2004
  

       A 'dusk discriminator' would help solve those terrible moments when you wake up and can't figure out whether it's early morning, or early evening.
zen_tom, Jul 16 2004
  

       A 'Duck Discriminator' could also help you work out whether or not an on-coming frisbee is worth dodging.
spiritualized, Jul 16 2004
  

       //If spurious waterfowl are ejected in the direction of the operator, the sign should also read "DUCK".//
..or Grouse!
gnomethang, Jul 16 2004
  

       An Ostracod has the longest penis in relation to its body size? Don't make me laugh. From that link:   

       "An ostracod is only 5mm long and its penis can be as much as a third of the size of its entire body."   

       A barnacle penis can be 20 times its body length.
Loris, Jul 27 2004
  

       tabs, do you use it as a rudder or were the two statements unrelated?
po, Jul 27 2004
  

       We need a third feature: when it detects a fowl that is not merely a non-duck but is in fact a goose, it needs to YELL that fact and run around in a circle.   

       PS: Discrimination is wrong. Did Duck-tor Martin Luther King teach us nothing?
gardnertoo, Jul 27 2004
  

       Revisiting this so long after posting it, I'm amazed where it has got to. I never thought a Duck Discriminator would end up as a penis size detector (and, on the "empty vessel making the most noise" principle, it appears to use a negative scale). Funny annos though.
unclepete, Jul 29 2004
  

       A fowl idea...   

       Hold it everyone! After all this, I think it's actually a rabbit.
Ian Tindale, Nov 29 2009
  

       You mean "wabbit", of coarse.
blissmiss, Nov 29 2009
  

       "Nyeeeer...... what's up, Duck ?"
8th of 7, Nov 29 2009
  
      
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