h a l f b a k e r y"It would work, if you can find alternatives to each of the steps involved in this process."
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Tunnel shaped box containing three systems integrated to answer the "Duck Test" questions.
Firstly a video imaging system to determine "does it look like a duck yes/no".
Secondly an audio pickup with sound recognition to determine "does it quack like a duck yes/no"
Third section can be done using
either gait recognition or pressure pads in the floor to determine "does it waddle like a duck yes/no"
The system can then process the duck (or notDuck)
What happens to the fowl next depends on what you want it for. If all you want is a determination of the duckness of the item, a large lighted sign can go off above the box saying "DUCK". If you are sorting items, a two way exit can be arranged, with a spurious fowl ejector on one side, and a duckpond on the other ( or automatic Chinese duck pressing plant).
A boon for short-sighted waterfowl farmers everywhere.
Does it have a 17 inch penis?
http://www.abc.net....epublish_366856.htm "Dr Kevin McCracken of the University of Alaska, Fairbanks, and colleagues, report [...] that they have found a specimen of the Argentine lake duck (Oxyura vittata) that has a penis as long as its body - nearly half a metre long." [kropotkin, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
(?) Wood ducks do not quack
http://sites.state...._notes/woodduck.htm Other reports indicate a cry of "pe-e-e, pe-e-e, pe-e-e". [kropotkin, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
All sorts of ducks
http://animaldivers...tidae.html#Anatidae Great site, will give pics and sounds for some of the types [unclepete, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 21 2004]
Oldest Penis, Largest Penis
http://www.telegrap...12/05/ixportal.html The Ostracod : Small, but well endowed. [jonthegeologist, Oct 04 2004, last modified Oct 05 2004]
[link]
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By the way, only female ducks actually quack loudly. The males just mutter quotquotquotquot under their breath. Kinda like my fella. |
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No, but they do have abnormally large penises. Which might also be factored into this, especially if their quacks prove indistinctive. And might I take this opportunity to use the phrase "cloacal kiss", which I try to work into conversation at every possible opportunity. (Most birds are dickless and copulate by a cloacal kiss where sexual openings are pressed together. Long-donged ducks and other waterfowl - and ostriches for some reason - do it like mammals on the Discovery Channel.) (Linky-poo.) |
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Also, I'm told that wood ducks don't quack. (Less-sensational link.) |
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The lighted sign should read "MUST BE A DUCK". |
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If spurious waterfowl are ejected in the direction of the operator, the sign should also read "DUCK". |
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Thanks [waugs] I missed that one. <mutters under breath>Quotquotquotquot<mub> |
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Thanks [squeak], you're the first to make me laugh today. |
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People going out to see clients for for
presentations, software demos, etc.
where I used to work were always asked
to take the "Arse/Elbow Differentiator".
Similar technology. |
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enter one sample of Clinton>>> sign reads "Chicken" |
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[squeak] - you made me laugh a great deal with that one :) |
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// <fascinating fact>
Bragging rights for 'longest penis in relation to an organisms size' goes to the barnacle.<ff> // |
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sorry [toejam], I think the answer is the ostracod [link attached] |
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A 'dusk discriminator' would help solve those terrible moments when you wake up and can't figure out whether it's early morning, or early evening. |
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A 'Duck Discriminator' could also help you work out whether or not an on-coming frisbee is worth dodging. |
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//If spurious waterfowl are ejected in the direction of the operator, the sign should also read "DUCK".// ..or Grouse! |
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An Ostracod has the longest penis in relation to its body size? Don't make me laugh. From that link: |
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"An ostracod is only 5mm long and its penis can be as much as a third of the size of its entire body." |
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A barnacle penis can be 20 times its body length. |
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tabs, do you use it as a rudder or were the two statements unrelated? |
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We need a third feature: when it detects a fowl that is not merely a non-duck but is in fact a goose, it needs to YELL that fact and run around in a circle. |
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PS: Discrimination is wrong. Did Duck-tor Martin Luther King teach us nothing? |
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Revisiting this so long after posting it, I'm amazed where it has got to. I never thought a Duck Discriminator would end up as a penis size detector (and, on the "empty vessel making the most noise" principle, it appears to use a negative scale). Funny annos though. |
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You mean "wabbit", of coarse. |
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"Nyeeeer...... what's up, Duck ?" |
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